Damn. That smarts.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Listening to this podcast episode struck just way too close to home. I don't know whether it's diagnostic or not, but I sure as hell do a lot of these things with my partner. Brutal, but the good kind that a sick person really needs to hear.

http://www.podbean.com/podcast-detail/t ... ws%20Radio Disarming the Narcissist

Still. Ouch.

[Imissmysun]

I know the feeling of thinking that you are right that you are normal that you really haven't done anything wrong and then having an epiphany that your behavior is harmful - the guilt and shame that brings up is hard -

I had one of those epiphanies about my inaction and lack of taking accountability and control for my life in general... It was affecting people I cared deeply about in a negative way - and for willfully indulging that thinking pattern I was ignoring their feelings - and hurting them - so I am doing my best to make changes - its hard my brain has been hard wired and getting past the thought metrix and saying no! dumb brain this doesn't work for me any more - I need to change - this is destructive now and not helpful - we need to go in this direction now - brains are really hard to corale sometimes -

But I get the feeling of hearing really just how much your behavior can effect others negatively - espectially when it comes in a flood and kind of slaps you in the face - but I guess we need that wake up sometimes

[HowDidIGetHere]

I think that's the hardest part of starting to get better for me. I don't know how to go through the world without being able to rely on my brain for anything at all. Especially since I was raised to believe that my brain (intellect, creativity, whatever) was my primary value. The fact that I now believe I've had periods of psychosis (maybe manic, maybe depressive, who knows) makes that even harder. I mean, I have to get in the habit of constantly asking myself "what if it didn't happen the way I think it did?" Having grown up in an addicted family makes that especially fraught, given how often families of addicts are told "oh, it's nothing. Go back to sleep."

I'm really afraid of my future. If not for my partner, I'm pretty sure I'd be living on the streets and yelling at phantoms.

Insha allah, that's not still waiting for me.