Confronting Your Own Narcissism

[nightcitysong]

I've been working on deep diving into things that I find really distressing about myself:

- My obsession with wanting to be a success in my career, needing to achieve certain goals, and feeling self-hatred, anxiety and worthless when I don't. I think it's related to the importance of success in my family, being groomed to be a "gifted child" and needing to perform for "love" as a kid.
- Feeling super jealous of others who have achieved goals that I can't, and wanting to see that person fail, so I feel better.
- Feeling really mad when people don't conform to my idea of what will be successful.
- Feeling so disappointed in, hurt, let down, and upset by relationships that I retreat into self-obsession and self-objectification. (No one can hurt me here, I'm in control.)
- Feeling so engulfed by the pain of significant others letting me down that I dissociate and go into my narcissistic dream world where I accept I can't rely on anyone else and have to focus all my energy on me (this is something that started as a teen for me - everyone in my home is scary and hurting me, so just disconnect from all expectations of love and focus on self-concept).

Wondering can anyone else relate? It's super distressing because it causes an inability to just relax and accept myself outside of "what I do". It makes me split people into "good" and "bad", people who can help me and I want to associate with for my career, versus people I genuinely love and want in my life.

There are moments in my life when I connect with people, the children in my life I love, a small selection of friends whom I truly can be myself around - and I think oh man, this is life, this is love, this is what it's all about. However when the "narcissistic injury" is activated - when I feel used, ignored, worthless, totally inadequate, ugly, and sad, I retreat into the world of "I can control how I'm perceived, I'm going to achieve something to feel good, or present an image of myself that is powerful or beautiful."

It's all bullshit, self-obsession, and pathetic - but living without it feels terrifying like I will be totally consumed and destroyed by people who want to hurt and destroy me.

Not looking for answers, just wanted to share some stuff I'm working on in therapy and how heavy and scary it is.

[manuel_moe_g]

Unfortunately I don't have any worthy advice, but I know this feeling well of narcissism in the self. What helped me was to force myself to cheer success in others every time I encountered it. Made it a positive habit.

Thinking of you, wishing you the best, keep the lines of communication open, NightCitySong!

[nightcitysong]

Appreciate the encouragement and support!

[Beany Boo]

I can totally relate.

I can share how I’m responding to treatment.

I’m trying to simplify the response I have to my feelings. Everyday has a limited cognitive load. ‘Success’ is not exceeding that. Inside that, enjoying those feelings, whether they’re affection or disgust, is a refined sort of success.

Attention from other people - the simple fact of their energy directed towards you - can have an overwhelming, disruptive, painful effect. Accepting that difficulty and learning how to respond ably to it is huge.

If I am injured, I focus on how well I recover (measured in days), on where the injury locale finishes and when I see I become safe again.

Key to me, is understanding that letting things go is not the same as letting things slide. I can relax while people continue to behave badly (or just beyond me). Rejuvenated, I can participate anew without blaming myself for taking a step away.

I’m also aware that the older generation’s neglect or ham fisted guidance/discipline has a specific cause. In a way, they’re faced away from us, trying to show the previous generation that they are good people. They do this by showing them how ‘well’ they treat us. ‘Well’ is often damaging. We’re continuously draw in to try and do the same. It’s powerful too.

But in the end, building a simplified relationship to my feelings; one that’s intimate, is success.

I don’t know how this reads. I’m not in the advanced class when it comes to sharing

[nightcitysong]

Facing up to our own self-delusions is painful but also super freeing. Ok, so I'm not the image of myself I created - but I can now be very aware of that and allow that image to exist in a different space and begin to give more love and attention to the not to perfect seeming part. Duality is there for a reason, all parts deserve love, even the parts we hate.

Love to you guys.

[oak]

Nightcitysong, thank you for sharing.

These are difficult issues to look at, and you demonstrate ample courage by doing so.

I hope you have found some comfort and perhaps growth by getting it all out, here.

Hang in there!