YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So right up front I will say I know it isn't my responsibility to figure this out and I should focus on healing myself but at the same time I really feel the need to understand because I can't walk away like I want to. I have tried for years to understand my soon to be ex wife and why I was treated the way I was. Of course for a long time I blamed myself. Therapy and meds helped me to leave the marriage. Sadly I am still linked to her through our kids and she is definitely in a power position there. All signs point to the fact that she will get full rights and responsibilities and custody despite the fact that I was a stay at home dad for 10 years. That's a whole other topic...

In my futile attempts to understand my former "partner" I came up with many theories. The last of which was that perhaps she had some form of aspbergers or high functions autism. Mostly the bit about not being able to empathize. However not everything fit. Listening to the podcast image learned a lot about different things I was unaware of. When I heard about narcissism I did some reading. It seems to fit so well and I am hoping it can help me to protect myself and my kids as we go to court and beyond

Here are some examples of her behavior. There have been many times where she talked down to me in front of my parents or was dismissive. If they called her out she would cry and make it about her like she was being unfairly persecuted and they would back down. She often bowled over our friends with seemingly no awareness. Example: we went camping once with several families. One friend had reserved a site for another friends family so they could be next to each other because one family was going to be single parenting and the other wanted to help out. We arrived before they did and my wife deciding one of their campsites was more desirable had us set up camp. I was uncomfortable as we knew the situation but I was afraid to stand up to her. The other friend tried to ask if we could move and explained the situation giving us the benefit of the doubt. My wife ignored the request and simply said we were here first and didn't see any problem and wouldn't discuss further. Our friend was uncomfortable confronting her further and didn't push it. In social situations someone would be telling a story about themselves and she would interject her own story talking over the person. Sometimes her story would be related, sometimes it was completely unrelated.
She frequently mad major decisions effecting
Our lives without consulting me. When she did, it was really more to announce the decision and get me to agree. My opinions and suggestions were mostly Dismissed and rejected. Although sometimes after some time had passed she would come to the conclusion I had and suddenly my suggestion or opinion was now correct because she had thought of it.

When we had disagreements or arguments I often held my feelings in because I was uncomfortable confronting her ( low self esteem). When I finally worked up the courage and had figured out what I wanted without fail I would walk away from our conversation feeling that I was in the wrong and wondering how that had happened.

At the dinner table with the kids we should be discussing the day and frequently she would burst into tears because no one had asked her about her day yet, or she would cut one of us off to tell us about her day and the get angry if whoever she cut off try to carry on with what they were saying.

I've had many of our friends tell me they don't like her or can't stand to be around her. Yet they all still hang out with her as she has the kids most of the week.
I am really scared about what she is going to do to me in court. She is steadfast in her opinion that I am in her words " a bad parent" yet she hasn't explained that and refuses to have a conversation about why she thinks so. She is definitely using my depression against me saying it is damaging to the kids. I realize there is truth to that, but denying kids access to their father who happens to be depressed but has always done the work to try and get better, is not going to be good for them either. I am deeply concerned about my depression affecting my children but I am also scared of what her behaviors will do to them and I am powerless to stop her

Does this sound like narcissism? If so, how do I navigate advocating for myself and my kids safely. How can continue to communicate with her since we are bonded by our kids and not get burned and continue to give her power? Any thoughts?
Thanks

I am not sure if she is a narcissist, but I am glad you are using your words.

btw, I'd be interested to hear about your ten years as a stay at home dad, if you'd like to share.

A few thoughts as I read:

Oh no! She violated the campsite rule! A literal campsite!

That sounds like many an awkward dinner.

I suppose, as a rule, if one or two friends say they don't like an SO, then that can be ignored. But dude, if "many" say that, then yikes.

As far as fear of the court, here is my two cents, which very well may be completely wrong, and I'll use an "I" statement: sometimes in life I go into situations where I know I can't win the game. Some games, especially when people start talking about how "honest" they are, just can't be won. I've not spent much time in a court, except as a juror. From that experience I wonder how much is "justice" and how much is emotion.

In other words, if you go into court with really low expectations, it might turn out well. Just my two cents!

As far as how to handle the depression vis a vis your children, I can't offer any specific advice. I do know that you are going through a difficult time. What helps me in difficult times, is to try to hold onto principles and values, even if I often fail at that goal.

I wish you well. I don't have any advice/suggestions that are not trite, even if they are well-intentioned. Decide what is most important to you, then stick to that. Good luck!

I'm not an expert on any of this. She definitely sounds like a narcissist in the common definition of the word. As far as if she qualifies for Narcissist personality disorder I have no clue. I don't know too much about the court system, but I do know it varies from state to state. From what I know in my state, they'd give you visitation as long as you're wanting it and not in trouble over abuse or drugs. I know one guy who's wife abandoned their baby at a daycare while she went off on a meth binge, and she still gets visitation.
My best advice is to try to be there for your kids when you get the opportunity to see them. Try to be a good parent and they will remember that. In time, they will see there mother's flaws for themselves. I'd also keep notes of any communication with your ex, so if she starts making some stuff up, you'll have a record of what actually was said.

Thanks everyone. I searched for episodes dealing with this topic but only found the one about the article on co-narcissism. Anyone recall any other episodes on this issue?

Based on personal experience, it sounds like she's at least borderline. My ex-wife is textbook. I have been attempting to eliminate all contact with her. Even though I'm not formally a part of the family, there are a couple of nieces who I love, and like to visit with. Because of that, my ex uses that as an excuse to either inject herself into my life or make it more difficult. I'll post about it separately so I don't threadjack.

Brief background of her - she was "the baby", the youngest of 10. Nothing is ever her fault. She will claim to be the best person, but act like a complete monster, completely disregarding others feelings.

The thoughtlessness you talked about certainly fits the pattern, but there are other explanations that might fit as well. I hope you at least find the best way to navigate the situation. If you can at least understand the reasons she acts the way she does, that will help you deal with it.