Narcissistic parent with a shot of illness
Posted: November 15th, 2016, 8:12 pm
This past year has been one extreme carnival ride I want to get off of. It's not one of those peaceful rides that adults get on to relax from the ids; no this ride is the one where you get tricked into riding it and have no control over the seed or duration of the ride.
My year with my already narcissistic mother was pretty tolerable, but just like anything, the tolerable never lasts. My feelings with her were manageable and looking back now I guess you could say I was utterly in denial on how she was treating me up to this point and time while writing this. I think I was afraid and numb at the same time to how she would manipulate my feelings and actions because now that I see her for how cruel she really is, I'm lost in translation of where she ends and I start.
She developed pneumonia in February and while we were there a nurse infiltrated her vein and caused a large hematoma to form. Of course the hospital denies any wrong doing and needless to say when she left, she had developed severe nerve pain and the gradual loss of her left arm. Many nights for two weeks she had episodes lasting 30 minutes to an hour and half of nerve pain that would cause her to sweat and shake. We did go to the hospital and after waiting to get to see an er doctor, we were dismissed with a script of pills and elevation of her arm. Two weeks later, she lost feeling in her left wrist because the blood and compressed her nerves to the point where she couldn't use her hand or flex her wrist. Surgery released the pressure and it would take months for her to get some functionality back. Meanwhile, I was the one who shouldered everything around the house, listening to her cry and try and help through her episodes of depression.
Two months ago, she had a complete shoulder replacement surgery and just last monday, she had a back surgery where 6 nerves were decompressed. All of her surgeries I spent alone and was her only support in recovery.
Sure she says she's appreciative of what I do for her and that she loves me, but when someone who says they love you tells you not to make the situation about you and the entire thing was about her, what kind of jacked up kind of love is that. All I was simply saying is that when she has moments of self pity and whining of how much pain she's in, I feel helpless to help her and that I don't have anyone to help me with her or the little things around the house. I'm not crying because I feel helpless; I'm crying because you devalued how I felt and once again you expect me to be that ever faithful light fixture that uou can depend on for illumination in times of darkness, but never once thought of who,m and how that illumination was being provided.
I don't have the money to move out on my own and my own issues with bpd and antisocial personality disorder make leaning on someone outside the family an internal tug of wmwar where no side has no glimpse of victory at the moment.
I don't know when her npd started and I would even go so far as to say she's the dark triad that makes up npd. I would say that my emotionally neglectful father received most if not all of it while he was married to her and that could explain why I never saw it and why he treated me the way he did. Now that he's out of the picture, she has a new object and it's taken me this long realize that neither of my parents know or understand the true meaning of love for a child.
So at the end of this year, I don't know what is really worse: a parent who is narcissistic or a narcissistic parent who is physically ill.
My year with my already narcissistic mother was pretty tolerable, but just like anything, the tolerable never lasts. My feelings with her were manageable and looking back now I guess you could say I was utterly in denial on how she was treating me up to this point and time while writing this. I think I was afraid and numb at the same time to how she would manipulate my feelings and actions because now that I see her for how cruel she really is, I'm lost in translation of where she ends and I start.
She developed pneumonia in February and while we were there a nurse infiltrated her vein and caused a large hematoma to form. Of course the hospital denies any wrong doing and needless to say when she left, she had developed severe nerve pain and the gradual loss of her left arm. Many nights for two weeks she had episodes lasting 30 minutes to an hour and half of nerve pain that would cause her to sweat and shake. We did go to the hospital and after waiting to get to see an er doctor, we were dismissed with a script of pills and elevation of her arm. Two weeks later, she lost feeling in her left wrist because the blood and compressed her nerves to the point where she couldn't use her hand or flex her wrist. Surgery released the pressure and it would take months for her to get some functionality back. Meanwhile, I was the one who shouldered everything around the house, listening to her cry and try and help through her episodes of depression.
Two months ago, she had a complete shoulder replacement surgery and just last monday, she had a back surgery where 6 nerves were decompressed. All of her surgeries I spent alone and was her only support in recovery.
Sure she says she's appreciative of what I do for her and that she loves me, but when someone who says they love you tells you not to make the situation about you and the entire thing was about her, what kind of jacked up kind of love is that. All I was simply saying is that when she has moments of self pity and whining of how much pain she's in, I feel helpless to help her and that I don't have anyone to help me with her or the little things around the house. I'm not crying because I feel helpless; I'm crying because you devalued how I felt and once again you expect me to be that ever faithful light fixture that uou can depend on for illumination in times of darkness, but never once thought of who,m and how that illumination was being provided.
I don't have the money to move out on my own and my own issues with bpd and antisocial personality disorder make leaning on someone outside the family an internal tug of wmwar where no side has no glimpse of victory at the moment.
I don't know when her npd started and I would even go so far as to say she's the dark triad that makes up npd. I would say that my emotionally neglectful father received most if not all of it while he was married to her and that could explain why I never saw it and why he treated me the way he did. Now that he's out of the picture, she has a new object and it's taken me this long realize that neither of my parents know or understand the true meaning of love for a child.
So at the end of this year, I don't know what is really worse: a parent who is narcissistic or a narcissistic parent who is physically ill.
