what's the best way to deal with a narc step-mom?
Posted: September 18th, 2019, 12:15 pm
My dad and stepmom have always been a little different and as I've gotten older, they've become more and more isolated, and our family dysfunction has only intensified. My dad is very codependent and has enabled her bad, and at times intolerable, behaviors. They moved out of state when my sister and I were in college and at the time it hurt very much, but now it's a god send that they're so far away. They just came out for a visit, which is something they do maybe once every couple years. This visit was particularly painful because my step-mom's narcissism was on full display and so was her maltreatment of my sister. After they left, my sister and I (who are extremely close) commiserated and began to search for an explanation for my step-mom's behavior. I can see that I'm the golden child and my sister is the scapegoat or lost child, and once we nailed that down, we realized that those roles are often formed by the narcissist. That discovery led us to an exploration of what it means to be a narcissist and it seems like it fits with my stepmoms behaviors over the years. In her case, I would say she's more like a covert narcissist.
Some examples of her cruelty to my sister... My sister had a major traumatic injury six years ago that landed her in the ICU for a couple weeks and doing rehab for a full year. She continues to have some problems as a result but my step mom has completely ignored it. She didn't ever come to visit her during that year (my dad only visited for the first week) and neither one of them ever asks my sister about it or talks about it. It's as if it never happened in their eyes but to my sister and I, it was life changing and extremely traumatic.
This week, she refused to ride in my sisters car, for no apparent reason, but was happy to ride in my car. I know it sounds trivial, but it's a constant steady stream of little things that add up to a very big message. Also this week, she told my sister (in private) that the jacket she was wearing looked like Melania Trumps, which was meant as a dig. She and my dad came to visit my house but not my sister's, which is only about an hour away. They never even talked about going up there. It's been two years since they visited her. Also, every time my sister begins talking, my step mom interrupts her with something completely unrelated and meaningless. It's uncanny. My sister will be telling us a story or about her business or something and all of a sudden my stepmom has to take back some attention and says something meaningless like "honey where are my kleenex" or "Broadway" (just literally reading street signs as we drive down the street), or "I want ice cream". No matter what she says when she interrupts, it's said with a dramatic flare that demands some attention and derails the conversation. My sister finally called her out on it on the last day of their visit and she did apologize but it wasn't sincere and you could tell she was shifty in her seat as my sister continued on with what she was saying.
So I think my sister has been given the scapegoat role and I've been given the golden child role. I can't help but feel responsible for contributing to my sister being treated poorly, even though i wasn't the one doing the manipulating. I've always been heavily praised by both parents and literally been told "you're the rock" and "you're the most successful kid". Recently they told me they wanted me to be the decision maker on their living will and medical directive paperwork. They literally said, "we only trust you". They have absolutely no grounds for feeling this way. My sister has been nothing but great to them. Not only that but she has recovered from a life threatening injury, started her own business, and never asked for a dime from them.
I don't know where it started - with my dad or with my step-mom - but they both participate. My stepmom is definitely the cruelest but my dad just watches and doesn't say anything. He's such an enabler. And there are times when he will participate in negative thinking about my sister too. He's never been supportive of her hobbies or dreams or jobs. With this recent visit, things became so clear that I have been looking at things with fresh eyes and I decided that this is the beginning of the end of this pattern of dysfunction in our family. I won't tolerate it any more. I refuse to watch them do that to my sister and I sure as hell don't want to be up on some pedestal. I'm terrified that in my current role, I will be handed the baton as caretaker when something happens to either one of them. I already work on my codependent issues but this elevates it. I am going to continue to do my own work, but I want to ask this group... what do you think is the best way to deal with this type of family dynamic? Should you confront a narc? I don't think she is capable of hearing criticism, let alone willing to do anything to fix it. I'm feeling like even if she doesn't change her behavior, maybe I should say something any way just so I can be clear and honest about my feelings. At the same time, there's a part of me (the pacifist part) that just wants to let some time and space build in the relationship and see how that pans out. They do live three states away so it would just be a matter of not calling as much. Currently, we probably talk or FaceTime about 2-4 times a month.
Open to feedback, suggestions, etc. And I'm so glad to have this forum to turn to after a major discovery about my family dynamics.
Some examples of her cruelty to my sister... My sister had a major traumatic injury six years ago that landed her in the ICU for a couple weeks and doing rehab for a full year. She continues to have some problems as a result but my step mom has completely ignored it. She didn't ever come to visit her during that year (my dad only visited for the first week) and neither one of them ever asks my sister about it or talks about it. It's as if it never happened in their eyes but to my sister and I, it was life changing and extremely traumatic.
This week, she refused to ride in my sisters car, for no apparent reason, but was happy to ride in my car. I know it sounds trivial, but it's a constant steady stream of little things that add up to a very big message. Also this week, she told my sister (in private) that the jacket she was wearing looked like Melania Trumps, which was meant as a dig. She and my dad came to visit my house but not my sister's, which is only about an hour away. They never even talked about going up there. It's been two years since they visited her. Also, every time my sister begins talking, my step mom interrupts her with something completely unrelated and meaningless. It's uncanny. My sister will be telling us a story or about her business or something and all of a sudden my stepmom has to take back some attention and says something meaningless like "honey where are my kleenex" or "Broadway" (just literally reading street signs as we drive down the street), or "I want ice cream". No matter what she says when she interrupts, it's said with a dramatic flare that demands some attention and derails the conversation. My sister finally called her out on it on the last day of their visit and she did apologize but it wasn't sincere and you could tell she was shifty in her seat as my sister continued on with what she was saying.
So I think my sister has been given the scapegoat role and I've been given the golden child role. I can't help but feel responsible for contributing to my sister being treated poorly, even though i wasn't the one doing the manipulating. I've always been heavily praised by both parents and literally been told "you're the rock" and "you're the most successful kid". Recently they told me they wanted me to be the decision maker on their living will and medical directive paperwork. They literally said, "we only trust you". They have absolutely no grounds for feeling this way. My sister has been nothing but great to them. Not only that but she has recovered from a life threatening injury, started her own business, and never asked for a dime from them.
I don't know where it started - with my dad or with my step-mom - but they both participate. My stepmom is definitely the cruelest but my dad just watches and doesn't say anything. He's such an enabler. And there are times when he will participate in negative thinking about my sister too. He's never been supportive of her hobbies or dreams or jobs. With this recent visit, things became so clear that I have been looking at things with fresh eyes and I decided that this is the beginning of the end of this pattern of dysfunction in our family. I won't tolerate it any more. I refuse to watch them do that to my sister and I sure as hell don't want to be up on some pedestal. I'm terrified that in my current role, I will be handed the baton as caretaker when something happens to either one of them. I already work on my codependent issues but this elevates it. I am going to continue to do my own work, but I want to ask this group... what do you think is the best way to deal with this type of family dynamic? Should you confront a narc? I don't think she is capable of hearing criticism, let alone willing to do anything to fix it. I'm feeling like even if she doesn't change her behavior, maybe I should say something any way just so I can be clear and honest about my feelings. At the same time, there's a part of me (the pacifist part) that just wants to let some time and space build in the relationship and see how that pans out. They do live three states away so it would just be a matter of not calling as much. Currently, we probably talk or FaceTime about 2-4 times a month.
Open to feedback, suggestions, etc. And I'm so glad to have this forum to turn to after a major discovery about my family dynamics.
