Recovering from a relationship with a covert narcissist
Posted: June 28th, 2021, 2:52 am
Hi! I am 38 years old and I have been listening to the podcast for years now and it has been an eye-opener and life saver for me. Please forgive me, if I am doing this wrong, since I am new to the forum. 
I decided to join in order to channel my focus away from the break up with my ex boyfriend and more to connecting with other people who might have had similar experiences.
I have been with my ex for over 7 years. He was the love of my life and I was (or so I thought) his. We met at work and first were only friends since we both had spouses, but we fell in love very quickly and very heavyly and we both felt we had married the wrong people. We did not have kids, so we ended our relationships and moved in together right away (I know, not recommendable, but no other options at that time and also it felt right). There were some alarm signs in the beginning, but I chose to ignore them since other than those, we were "made for each other". Same sense of humour, never ending conversations, physical attraction, everything clicked. For the first time in life I had the feeling that I would die for this person. Our colleagues and friends said we were meant for eachother and thats what we felt. Although today I think, this might have been shared trauma. Nevertheless, also at the beginning, there was some behaviour I found strange. He kind of played "hot and cold" with me. Lead me on and then gave me the feeling he is not interested. Whenever I addressed this behaviour, he acted as if I made it up. If his behaviour irritated me to the point that I was upset, he did not reach out to me. He would just wait for me to approach him again and then, when I asked him why he did not come to me when he clearly saw that something was wrong, he said (and this is a reoccurring sentence in our relationship): "I had the feeling you did not want to have contact with me, so I did not reach out."
When I finally left my husband and moved in with him, it was like all our dreams came come true (despite of all the pain of course that still came from the break-ups). However, again there was some strange passive behaviour that made me feel bad. I knew that he did not have feelings for his ex anymore so I was not worried or jealous, but still, he did not remove the pictures from the flat of them that she had hung up. I had to ask him 4 or 5 times. He made me feel like a guest sometimes. During the next years (I am trying to speed it up ), we were very close. Worked together, lived together... Actually, he was quite clingy compared to the relationships I had before and we never really wanted to be apart. What I found a bit strange was that on the one hand, he almost "serviced" me, meaning that he cooked for me, made sure that I was the one being satisfied with sex (his own satifaction was more important to ME than it was to him, which I had never seen in a man), whenever I just looked thirsty, he would get me something to drink, although I never asked for this kind of pampering and I even told him to stop.... But on the other hand, he totally ignored the things that were indeed important to me. For example for him to take care of his divorce (I know, when I write this it sounds as if he did still have feelings for his ex, but believe me that is not it), take the next step in our relationship with me, take me out once in a while, etc...
Also the compliments became rare. The tons of sugar he had for me in the beginning was quickly gone. I guess I did feel loved and I loved him so much, that at first it did not really bother me, but I started to feel more and more insecure. For example when we got out to dinner (which I usually had to organize) and I tried to look pretty, he made me feel guilty, because "great...now he had to change into something nicer". I know he has always been insecure, according to his information did not have friends at school, his parents treated him poorly, so I thought that it was his insecurities and that the more I would show him how I love and adore him, the more this would improve, but spoiler alert, it did not.
Trying to wrap this up a little, the more within the recent months and years I realized the imbalance and his passiveness and the more I adressed it, the more cold he became towards me and the more he became mean. Whenever I tried to sit down with him and talk, he in some way "punished" me afterwards. Mostly with silent treatment or little arrogant and derogatory statements. Then, in the end, my mom died last year. It was a very sudden and traumatizing death for me (another topic). My bf was very cold to me during this period which was not easy, but he trumped it by moving out behind me back and then ghosting me. Since then, we have been in a very strange on and off situation in which all my friends and my therapist try to make me aware of the abusive and unhealthy things that have happened (I haven't written down everything here of course), but I cannot let go. He on the other hand, sometimes gives me the impression that I could be "worthy of his love again" (that is of course not what he says, but that is exactly the impression he creates with the way he communicates), but at the same time, he does not make a real effort. I feel miserable and I know I should cut the contact, but he was my life and I was used to be his and I cannot believe how much he changed. Or didn't he change and I did not see it? Or am I the manipulator and narcissist who cannot stand to be left??? This is something I honestly cannot exclude coming from a narcissistic and abusive household, although my therapist tries to convince me otherwise and says what I am experiencing is normal and some kind of withdrawal symptoms after this kind of relationship (and she also knows my ex bf, since he came with me to therapy twice in the attempt of a couples counseling.)
Has somebody here made similar experiences and wants to share?
I decided to join in order to channel my focus away from the break up with my ex boyfriend and more to connecting with other people who might have had similar experiences. I have been with my ex for over 7 years. He was the love of my life and I was (or so I thought) his. We met at work and first were only friends since we both had spouses, but we fell in love very quickly and very heavyly and we both felt we had married the wrong people. We did not have kids, so we ended our relationships and moved in together right away (I know, not recommendable, but no other options at that time and also it felt right). There were some alarm signs in the beginning, but I chose to ignore them since other than those, we were "made for each other". Same sense of humour, never ending conversations, physical attraction, everything clicked. For the first time in life I had the feeling that I would die for this person. Our colleagues and friends said we were meant for eachother and thats what we felt. Although today I think, this might have been shared trauma. Nevertheless, also at the beginning, there was some behaviour I found strange. He kind of played "hot and cold" with me. Lead me on and then gave me the feeling he is not interested. Whenever I addressed this behaviour, he acted as if I made it up. If his behaviour irritated me to the point that I was upset, he did not reach out to me. He would just wait for me to approach him again and then, when I asked him why he did not come to me when he clearly saw that something was wrong, he said (and this is a reoccurring sentence in our relationship): "I had the feeling you did not want to have contact with me, so I did not reach out."
When I finally left my husband and moved in with him, it was like all our dreams came come true (despite of all the pain of course that still came from the break-ups). However, again there was some strange passive behaviour that made me feel bad. I knew that he did not have feelings for his ex anymore so I was not worried or jealous, but still, he did not remove the pictures from the flat of them that she had hung up. I had to ask him 4 or 5 times. He made me feel like a guest sometimes. During the next years (I am trying to speed it up
), we were very close. Worked together, lived together... Actually, he was quite clingy compared to the relationships I had before and we never really wanted to be apart. What I found a bit strange was that on the one hand, he almost "serviced" me, meaning that he cooked for me, made sure that I was the one being satisfied with sex (his own satifaction was more important to ME than it was to him, which I had never seen in a man), whenever I just looked thirsty, he would get me something to drink, although I never asked for this kind of pampering and I even told him to stop.... But on the other hand, he totally ignored the things that were indeed important to me. For example for him to take care of his divorce (I know, when I write this it sounds as if he did still have feelings for his ex, but believe me that is not it), take the next step in our relationship with me, take me out once in a while, etc...Also the compliments became rare. The tons of sugar he had for me in the beginning was quickly gone. I guess I did feel loved and I loved him so much, that at first it did not really bother me, but I started to feel more and more insecure. For example when we got out to dinner (which I usually had to organize) and I tried to look pretty, he made me feel guilty, because "great...now he had to change into something nicer". I know he has always been insecure, according to his information did not have friends at school, his parents treated him poorly, so I thought that it was his insecurities and that the more I would show him how I love and adore him, the more this would improve, but spoiler alert, it did not.
Trying to wrap this up a little, the more within the recent months and years I realized the imbalance and his passiveness and the more I adressed it, the more cold he became towards me and the more he became mean. Whenever I tried to sit down with him and talk, he in some way "punished" me afterwards. Mostly with silent treatment or little arrogant and derogatory statements. Then, in the end, my mom died last year. It was a very sudden and traumatizing death for me (another topic). My bf was very cold to me during this period which was not easy, but he trumped it by moving out behind me back and then ghosting me. Since then, we have been in a very strange on and off situation in which all my friends and my therapist try to make me aware of the abusive and unhealthy things that have happened (I haven't written down everything here of course), but I cannot let go. He on the other hand, sometimes gives me the impression that I could be "worthy of his love again" (that is of course not what he says, but that is exactly the impression he creates with the way he communicates), but at the same time, he does not make a real effort. I feel miserable and I know I should cut the contact, but he was my life and I was used to be his and I cannot believe how much he changed. Or didn't he change and I did not see it? Or am I the manipulator and narcissist who cannot stand to be left??? This is something I honestly cannot exclude coming from a narcissistic and abusive household, although my therapist tries to convince me otherwise and says what I am experiencing is normal and some kind of withdrawal symptoms after this kind of relationship (and she also knows my ex bf, since he came with me to therapy twice in the attempt of a couples counseling.)
Has somebody here made similar experiences and wants to share?