YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Let's face it. Not all narcissists are males who beat the shit out of thier wives and children. Sometimes the wife has NPD and often the husband is the one who takes on the co dependant role.

Everyone raved about how funny that movie "The Hangover" is, but I couldn't enjoy it. Early in the movie, the dentist's fiance is a controling bitch. The character is so much like what I have to deal with on a daily basis that it made me really uncomfortable. If you are walking on egg shells, shutting all your friends and family out of your life, watching her spend you into bankruptcy, while you are belittled and acused of cheating, then you have a clue of what it's like to be married to a narcissist.

For these women, there is a profound lack of ability to be honest about how things are. There is an inability to accept responsibility for problems. There is a profound lack of empathy for how other people in the family feel. There is a constant projection of a perfect family to the outside world while the truth about how things are at home is vastly different. Yes, there is sometimes physical abuse on the part of the wife, however, verbal abuse is probably common in most of these cases.

I would love to hear others talk about being stuck here. What has your experience been?

Hey Chris, I've worked with a narcissist for the past 6 years! I had to up my medication in order to stay there! I know exactly what you are going through!! There are different 'branches' of narcissism and this bitch has the lowest self esteem I've ever known. Her hatred of herself compells her to do everything in her power to make those around her feel lower than she feels. it's sick and twisted beyond belief! She's very controlling, panics easily and acts as though it were everybody else's fault, constantly makes mountains out of mole hills, is very confrontational - except when somebody confronts her - then the shit really hits the fan! She can't admit to her mistakes to save her life. Nothing she does ever makes sense. She's been at the business for over 20 years (the boss has never had the balls to put her in her place. How's that for non-confrontational?) and acts as though she owns the place. She also takes advantage of her position and goes next door to fuck the dog whenever she can.
When I first started at this job, I was rather timid and she could smell it a mile away. She would yell at me for parking in the 'wrong' spot when I didn't even realize it was wrong. It just escalated from there. My self esteem plummeted to the point where I was harming myself there! I was miserable but couldn't find another job that paid the same. I felt so alone, since my boss wouldn't do anything about it. I was the only other person who worked at this store (yes, store, with customers!)I finally got so angry with the insane shit she used to pull on me that I had a number of blow-ups with her. It was like screaming at the wall, but at least she got the hint. I also had to be firm with my boss about letting her treat people like she does. It's ever so slowly gotten better over the years, since she realizes that if she pulls any of her shit I won't have it. Believe me, it's always hard for me to do that, but it's necessary for my mental health. As you probably figured out, I've become much stronger as a result of dealing with such a person. I don't regret having to go through this; I actually believe I was meant to, to become stronger.
You can do one of two things: 1-stay and teach yourself - or get help in learning to - handle this woman's b.s.. Once she realizes that you won't put up with that kind of garbage, she may begin to tone it down. Not before she 'ups the ante', though. It's extremely mentally wearing, and even then people like that can still be difficult to live with.
2-GET OUT! If you have children, GET THEM OUT! The trauma and stress people like her can load onto a child can be irreparable! My co-worker has 2 older boys, and I don't know how they survived! You have to decide whether it's worth your mental health to stay and try to fix things. Most of the time I don't believe it is. From what I've read in your post, this woman is ruining your life. I've never been there personally, but I believe the money spent on getting a divorce is nothing compared to your mental health and sanity! Or your friends! Are you seeing anyone professionally about this? if not, please do! At least I can go home and get some peace at the end of the day. It doesn't seem like you can.
I hope I've been of some help to you. I'm glad I came upon this post so that I could give my 2 cents worth. (and we don't even have pennies anymore )
good luck. I would like to hear how you're doing in the future.
You can do it! Whatever it is you choose to do.
J.

Thanks for your comments. I know other people have had similar experiences. It's hard to quit when you need the money, and it's even harder when you are married. I have just started going to codependents anonymous meetings and I will see where that takes me. Thanks for understanding.

Awesome, Chris! I wish you the best of luck!

I've been married for over 17 years and I'm just now figuring out that a lot of my unhappiness stems from emotional abuse directed at me by my NPD wife (Obviously not ALL of my problems stem from her, I brought a predisposition toward depression and anxiety into the relationship - I also am starting to think I'm hard-wired to be a narcissistic supply)

She's subtle and not as overtly nasty as some stories I've seen on the internet, but once I awoke to this discovery, all the pieces are falling into place. She's always seemed oblivious to some basic common courtesies when it comes to me. She's hypercritical; everyone in our household feels like we have to walk on eggshells because you never know when she's going to get really upset over something we're doing (or something we're not doing that she thinks we should). We constantly have to hear about how much she does and that none of us come close to pulling our weight. She's a master at very subtle manipulation tactics. I've only figured it out this year after 17+ years of marriage. But the entire time, I've felt like I was just a big loser who couldn't live up to reasonable expectations. This problem is compounded by the fact that I am kind of a loser who struggles to handle normal responsibilities - let alone the unreasonable expectations that are projected onto me.

We have three adopted children (two of whom are currently in therapy, the oldest has Reactive Attachment Disorder from his situation before us - which could fill an entire other forum in itself).

If it was just me, I would leave and be done with it, but I feel a responsibility to protect the children and try to remove them from the emotional abuse. I suspect they would prefer to live with me if we separate, but I would move closer to work which would involve changing school districts etc. It's just such a messy situation and I don't know what to do. Splitting up would also be a financial disaster since we currently live in a big house we can barely afford and would never be able to sell in this market.

We're currently in couple's therapy, but I have been afraid to bring up the idea that she may have NPD, because I fear the shitstorm that would inevitably follow. She already gets so angry/upset/sad by "everyone picking on her" with just the few specific issues we've brought up - like trying to not be so accusatory and judgmental with me and the kids. I feel like I need to talk all this over with a therapist alone (we're always together with our couples therapist) but we're already shelling out the money for three therapists and we can barely make ends meet as it is. I just don't know what to do at this point.