I think I've always been depressed and when I wasn't completely boarded up I was an anxious mess. I had a pretty horrible childhood. I have two parents that love themselves, money and status more than then their own children. I've always felt alone and shunned from my peers and family. I some how managed to keep a fuck them attitude, I may not have handled my mental disorders in the best ways in the past. Anorexia,cutting, pulling out my hair, drinking and drugs are just some of the bad ideas I had.
But now I have a chronic condition, at the age of 24 I lost the ability to ever run again or walk normally. It's been six years and there's rarely a day that I'm not in pain. Now I have herniated disc in my L5 that is pushing on my sciatic nerve, I've been through PT and had an epidural but the small amount of relief from those things only last so long. I have a pin management doctor but he doesn't know what to do. No one does. I feel like no one takes my pain serious and on top of being majorly depressed I don't know how much more I can take. I've tried to reach out to friends and family to no avail. I found a counselor but no longer can afford to see them. I'm on effexor, but I don't see much hope. I'm so tired of being in so much pain I don't want to live anymore. I'm at a loss, I'm broke and broken. People see how much pain I'm in everyday but do their best avoid me because they don't want to help. I don't have anything left to lose, the only thing keeping me here are my cats and that's pathetic.
I posted this in the depression forums too. I hope that's okay.
Chronic Pain
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SmartCookie
- Posts: 35
- Joined: February 26th, 2013, 1:43 pm
Re: Chronic Pain
Bigfun,
I'm hearing you here and I'm grateful you have shared your story here. Those are some rough circumstances. My mother suffered from chronic pain for a few years in her life and I saw how significantly it affected her ability to participate in relationships, so I feel for you.
I find that it is not always a common experience, to know what to say to someone in pain, if one hasn't experienced it or its emotional impacts firsthand. I know for myself, the Spoons Theory has opened my eyes a ton — perhaps it's a resource that you might be able to pass on or which may help you relate to yourself. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpres ... on-theory/
Have you sought out support groups in your area (or online) for people who have past or current experience coping with some of the challenges you are facing/have faced? Have you inquired with your counsellor if there are any low/no-cost options for you to continue to talking to someone?
And yeah, it fucking sucks to be too broke to see a counsellor — I'm in that same position. It feels sometimes for me like trying to climb out of a hole with absolutely nothing in hand. My approach has basically been to use my library card like crazy and begging for Amazon credit for birthday presents to help myself through reading self-help books as much as I can. It goes a lot slower and it definitely has significant limits, but in the absence of counselling, it may be a viable stopgap solution (and admittedly it may appeal to me more than it might others, I'm a "thinker" which is, as it turns out, actually part of my problem!). Some library systems even have e-book borrowing so you may not even have to go further than your computer to make use of it.
You deserve to be happy and healthy and loved, however that ends up looking and working for you. I hope some insights on what's causing your pain and what you can do to cope with it are on the horizon for you; and some moments of peace and strength. You sound incredibly brave and a force to be reckoned with. I wish you the best.
SC
I'm hearing you here and I'm grateful you have shared your story here. Those are some rough circumstances. My mother suffered from chronic pain for a few years in her life and I saw how significantly it affected her ability to participate in relationships, so I feel for you.
I find that it is not always a common experience, to know what to say to someone in pain, if one hasn't experienced it or its emotional impacts firsthand. I know for myself, the Spoons Theory has opened my eyes a ton — perhaps it's a resource that you might be able to pass on or which may help you relate to yourself. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpres ... on-theory/
Being pretty fresh from my own fights with depression, I know firsthand how depression often lies to us. Please don't take this the wrong way — my reading of the above sounds like it could be statement that warrants more investigation. Perhaps it really is true and I have no idea what I'm talking about. But perhaps there's a tiny chance that they don't know what kind of help they could offer that would make a difference. If they've never been sick or injured, they may not know how much of a difference to their day it would make to share a meal, get some help with a chore, have some company for doing a small task, etc., and that that would help even if it doesn't directly take away your pain.People see how much pain I'm in everyday but do their best avoid me because they don't want to help.
Have you sought out support groups in your area (or online) for people who have past or current experience coping with some of the challenges you are facing/have faced? Have you inquired with your counsellor if there are any low/no-cost options for you to continue to talking to someone?
And yeah, it fucking sucks to be too broke to see a counsellor — I'm in that same position. It feels sometimes for me like trying to climb out of a hole with absolutely nothing in hand. My approach has basically been to use my library card like crazy and begging for Amazon credit for birthday presents to help myself through reading self-help books as much as I can. It goes a lot slower and it definitely has significant limits, but in the absence of counselling, it may be a viable stopgap solution (and admittedly it may appeal to me more than it might others, I'm a "thinker" which is, as it turns out, actually part of my problem!). Some library systems even have e-book borrowing so you may not even have to go further than your computer to make use of it.
My heart goes out to you for dealing with these challenges while also being in the process of fending off demons in your past — either one formidable in their own right. Please, please try to hold on to the thought that you are not alone, and do seek out a crisis line if things get really dark.I've always felt alone and shunned from my peers and family.
You deserve to be happy and healthy and loved, however that ends up looking and working for you. I hope some insights on what's causing your pain and what you can do to cope with it are on the horizon for you; and some moments of peace and strength. You sound incredibly brave and a force to be reckoned with. I wish you the best.
SC