YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi everyone.

My parents have both passed away (2001 Dad, 2009 Mom--I'm in my early/mid twenties) and I'm still dealing with clearing out the family house. My eldest brother is out of the picture and my older brother in the middle is now thankfully in a sober living situation for the next 9 months, so I'm pretty much alone.

It's funny how a house can create so much of a burden. All of the memories that flood back in when you step inside. It's almost like I can see my family walking around years ago as if I was in a home movie. It's hard to throw away knick knacks. It was important enough to put on the mantle, so why should I throw it out? It's becoming to the point that I don't have the time to pack things up to give it to Goodwill. I have to just put in a trash can and set it in the dumpster I have in the drive way.

It's hard thinking that my old school projects or trophies don't mean anything to anyone except myself. Do I keep them? I feel like if I do, they'll end up in a box that I will never end up opening until years from now. Just more baggage from the past. Should I keep those things? I don't know the items I'll want to show my future children someday. I worry that if I throw things out my childhood and the memory of my parents and past will be wiped away. It's just hard.

The house just feels like a ball and chain to me. I need to finish up my cleaning and get it on the market. However, the thought of not having this home anymore is terrifying. Like my parents passing away again. I don't know.

Has anyone dealt with anything like this before? Does it get easier?

Hey!

Thanks for posting! A very important post.

First up, I am sorry for the loss of your parents.

Second up, I am happy that your brother is sober.

Third, I am glad you are willing to feel feelings.

Gosh, I really don't have any advice, other than this:

A few weeks ago I decluttered my house and car. I considered three piles, or categories:

1. Stuff I definitely wanted to keep.
2. Shit I definitely needed to sell, give away, or throw away.
3. Stuff in the middle.

I found it easiest to start with #2. I might suggest to you to take one garbage bag (just do one!) and go around the house and throw away any stuff that simply needs to go. Old magazines, old clothes, and the like.

The problem is when #3 stuff migrates into #1

Whenever I have erred on the side of #3 stuff getting a #2 fate, I have never regretted it.

If something is iffy, ask yourself if it is worth packing for when you move next.

Re-reading your post, I am struck at the depth of your question:

"It's hard thinking that my old school projects or trophies don't mean anything to anyone except myself."

That is a profound thing to consider, so I give you hugs for being willing to ask that tough question of yourself.

One final caveat!

When you have the final cleaning out, communicate early and often for when the family can come pick out stuff they want before it is disposed of.

I know some families use post-it notes. Some do it when convenient for each person, and some people have a free-for-all.

Whatever you do, possessions are not worth losing friendships within family over. That is why I suggest being clear about who gets what.

Keep us posted!

And keep asking those tough questions of yourself. Hang in there.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. That sounds like a lot to deal with at a relatively young age - losing both parents and being put in that position of having the responsibility of handing the estate. Places and things trigger strong memories and emotions, and that is probably the most important thing to consider in what to keep for yourself, is what it reminds you of/makes you think about. I hope you do find some choice items that you have particularly good memories of your childhood or your parents with, maybe even a story. So what if they go in a box. The idea of having them to show your kids someday is a great reason to save it, but also you just knowing that you have a piece of your childhood or a reminder of a nice experience with your parents tucked away in that box in your closet is a good reason too. I know that it is hard to let things go - I can identify with the fear of throwing things away and having some piece of your life lost forever. But you can't hold onto everything - so try to focus on finding those especially meaningful things if you can.

I was recently responsible for administering the estate of my grandparents. It was a nightmare for lots of reasons having to do with family disagreements (which is why I was the one put in charge of it in the first place). We were able to actually hire a company to do an inventory of the stuff in the house, get rid of things that were definitely junk, set aside things that may have sentimental value, appraise things that have monetary value, and then have an estate sale for the items that no beneficiary wanted and donate/junk anything that was left. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had to do all that myself (especially since I was out of state). For me, being a little detached from that part of the process helped me a little. I think that it does get easier over time, because at least in my case, everything seemed overwhelming and with each little thing that finally got taken care of, the list got shorter and shorter and it seemed a little less scary.

Best wishes and peace. I hope to hear some updates from you as you continue working on this.

Thanks so much for the replies. I really appreciate taking the time to respond. It really feels better when you know people have been through experiences so simliar in this. I've found that not a lot of my friends my age have dealt with this, so I don't talk about it too much, and if I do, I just state the facts and try to bring up other, happier topics so I don't feel like I'm complaining or whining about it.

I've finally gotten to the point where I can start getting rid of the stuff that was in that pile #3, Oak, the stuff in the middle of my keeping or throwing away decision making. Or, I've just gotten to the point where I just don't care as much anymore. I currently live about 3 hours from my house, so down here I've been mentally making the decisions and deciding the stuff that I'm ready to let go (like the trophy I got being the mvp of a basketball tournament freshman year. I'm proud of myself, but I can just remember it instead of holding on to some trophy signifying it). It's a good hurdle to get over I guess. The prelims are over, so now it's time to get down to business!

Thankfully, I have a very small family that is somewhat out of the picture, or just detached from the situation so not too many problems with getting rid of items. I gave an old antique desk to my aunt, and my eldest brother already went in and grabbed some stuff. I gave this old painting to my middle brother's AA sponsor (he came in and walked around the house with me going over how to get this done which I immensely appreciated). I went last weekend with my SO and we managed to throw away about 7 trash bags full of junk in the dumpster and got an old couch out. A lot things were destroyed when my middle brother was there during his last alcohol fueled hallucinations and self injury so many things that I would have wanted to keep were already decided upon as they were just destroyed.

I'm planning on going every weekend for the rest of the summer to clear more things out. I have this propensity towards saying I'm going to do things, but never following through (haven't been to a regular doctor in years, or actually gone to see a mental health counselor), but I'm really trying to keep going with this process in the house. If I can just get the main clutter out, maybe I'll feel better. Like you said weary, I'm hoping that as the number of items in the house get lower and lower, it will seem a lot less overwhelming.


I'll keep everyone updated with the progress. I started the clean out about 3 years ago. What's another few dumpsters and some months. I keep telling myself that.

My dad died in January, so I'm in the process of getting rid of things and selling the house. My mom is still around, so I have to make sure she's taken care of.

It was hard getting rid of his clothes, and he had a lot of books and music. We got rid of the clothes, except for one or two shirts, and I'm keeping a lot of his media, since he had good taste, and I'd like to read, listen to, and watch a lot of it.

Before my dad died he bought a bunch of furniture that wasn't really needed. Frankly we could have used the money he paid more than the furniture itself, but we got rid of a lot of stuff on Craigslist.

I know it's not easy, but take it one thing at a time.

We moved in the house when I was 12, and I still live here, so it's going to be emotional to move out. But I was also ready to move out anyways, and I'm personally not that attached to the house itself. I would like for my mom's new place to have a nice garden, though I don't know if that's possible.