Mother/Family as a trigger

[didbakenaked]

I moved away from my home at 25 exactly one year ago. Since visiting with family twice, I have realized that they are a trigger in my depression/moods. Most recently, a day after returning from time with my family, I sobbed uncontrollably for hours. I couldn't give any specific reason either. I have not experienced that since I was a teenager. It's been one week since I have been back and I received a job offer on a Wednesday, a couple days ago. I was so thrilled, I could not contain myself. I was jumping on top of furniture, (for a lot of good reasons.) This feeling continued, I even noticed I was shaking uncontrollably the rest of the evening. I was clumsy because of the shaking and have bruises all over my legs from bumping into things. I did feel a lot more social/outgoing than typically the next day. I think I had less anxiety about speaking to people mainly. This continued until Friday evening, when I felt so meaningless, and I could not stop crying again. I could not sit and cry. I had to be doing something. I washed dishes and cleaned while crying for about 2 hours. I went to bed still feeling like my life meant nothing, but I was tapped out.

It took a couple of days, but I'm realizing that Wednesday-Friday were pretty connected in some kind of episode. As quickly as Saturday, I was feeling more level. I could look at the days before with some thoughtfulness without the feelings of worthlessness attached.

In a separate instance, months ago, I skyped with my parents and brother. I had a new idea in regards to my career, and I was exploring options. I was very excited and wanted to share it with them. I received only strongly negative feedback, without any real consideration for my feelings from all of them. I was considering applying to vet medical school. They acted like I had decided to become a prostitute as a career. (NOTE: I have no objection to people who work in the sex industry, but I imagine it would be difficult to tell immediate family about your job.) I was not even asked questions as to why. They just shit all over my ideas. I was depressed for a solid week after that. I had bouts of crying, and all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I hated myself quite a bit. I looked for ways to self diagnose what was wrong with me for being so pathetic and unreasonable.

Has anyone else experienced such strong reactions to interaction with family? It literally affects my physical health because I abuse myself with food often afterwards. I think it's incredible it has taken me this long to see how clearly they affect me. Also, I would like to mention, that I dearly love all of my family members. I am grateful they are in my life. However, I want to change this pattern I've come to notice since I've moved away.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello didbakenaked!

So important to have a professional therapist voice, to talk back to unreasonable negative message of parents and other loved-ones. A trusted third-party can provide support and impartial reasonable judgement on the competing messages.

Please take care, all the best, cheers!

[oak]

Oh did, you are most certainly not alone.

But first! Congrats, super congrats, on getting a job offer! I am happy for you in the way that only an unemployed (but close!) person can be! That is super awesome!

As far as parents bringing up old/bad memories: yeah, been there. I didn't realize how much of my personality, good and bad, came from my family of origin until I moved away from them.

As far as vet med school, so long as you understand the demands, know about the MCAT, and have a proper undergrad degree, there is no reason for anyone to criticize one's professional dreams. Poor form on their part.

Sometimes I wonder if career-negative people secretly resent their own professional lack.

Trust me, there are plenty of people who will affirm your efforts, starting with me.

Good luck out there.

[IceLupus]

I feel your pain DID,

As to the physical side effects of dealing with family I have had those in the past. For almost 23 years I wouldn't even hug my mother because of the stress and emotions it would bring up in me. Not to mention anyone else in the family giving me a hug it would actually make my skin crawl, and make me nauseous. I still can not deal with certain members of my family. Even the mention of them causes my mind to shriek in disgust and dislike. I would avoid any family get together and have in course become kind of the family outcast. To your pain i can say I understand and commiserate with you.

As to becoming a Vet Tech or Vet, if you go further. I will tell you what my fiance', a certified Vet tech says about it. "The patients are fine they are animals and don't complain to much. It's the owners that are morons. But all in all I would rather deal with animals than people. At least animals are honest."

Don't let anyone tell you what you can or can not do you are worth more than you can imagine.

-IceLupus-

[didbakenaked]

Thank you all for your words of advice! It feels good to know that others can relate on the subject.

[rxtravaganza]

Wow, yes, absolutely I can relate to this so much.

I finally, officially moved away from my home-country (and the people in it) two years ago and was at odds and ends about how close or distant to stay with my parents and sister since then. I thought my father was the biggest trigger because of his alcoholism and abuse while I was growing up, but I quickly realized that my sister was the worst one and my mother was just as bad a trigger as my father.

Anyway. I got married in June. I hesitated to even tell them when we got engaged and just elope, but I did and they flew over to my country. It was two weeks of constant anxiety and under-the-surface rage for me, and the second they called to say they were boarding the plane I decided it was time to really take a break from them, but still talking to my mother now and then. Then sometime in July I Skyped with my mother who was visiting my grandma, and right after we got off the line I spiralled quickly and came very close to a suicide attempt (which ended with emergency services taking me to the ER...)

So yeah. Definitely family is one of THE WORST triggers. And I find them happening whenever because a family memory can just happen any time. There are no trigger warnings for old vacation photos and stuff! Anyway. I blocked them all on Facebook. It's been better already.

[letteggs]

Family is definitely a huge trigger for me, and it's aggravated by the fact that I live at home with them! Luckily, this summer my parents and younger brother stayed at their lake house a few hours away, so I only saw them one weekend a month, which was great. I was able to prepare myself mentally for the interactions, and make plans for what to do when things got too hard. I'm also extremely introverted, and have anxiety problems, so going to the lake, where there are always a ton of people around make it just that much harder.

I did take 9 months several years ago where I did not communicate with my mother. I would not call, text, or e-mail; anything she heard about me came from my brother or my cousin. It was so freeing to not have her constantly breathing down my neck. I haven't been able to do that recently, unfortunately, but my mother has learned that I will respond to her when I am ready to. I don't always answer the phone or respond to the text or email. And now she's signed up for FaceBook. I accepted her request, but put her on a limited list, so she can't see everything I do, and I don't have to see any of her status updates.

I still have constant rage underlying all of my conversations with my mother though. It really helps to have someone to talk to about it, and my therapist has been wonderful and helped me figure out what exactly my triggers are, how to avoid them, and how to deal with them if they can't be avoided. When I find myself getting anxious around her, or hear my voice getting really stressed, I just walk away and go to the bedroom where I shut the door and usually just lay down. There have been times where it has been so bad that I just cried myself to sleep, but again, they are few and far in between.

You are definitely not alone in the family/mother triggers. I'm sure you'll be able to find a great way to manage it all.

[ryeish]

My family is still a huge trigger for me. I can plan to visit them and be in a great mood but within ours of visiting my mood goes to hell and I have to escape. Once they visited me here and after a few hours I was violently ill. They left the next day and I felt better quickly. But still, even a call from them now is a trigger than can turn my mood from great to horrible within minutes. I ended up moving 500 miles away, which is far enough they can't just drive here and close enough that if there is a problem and I have to be there I can do so.

[Pigeon]

I can sooo relate, didbakenaked!
And It took me a long time to realize that my family triggered my depression and anxiety too, so don't feel bad about that. We tend to be kind of blind when it comes to the people that are supposed to be closest to us. Unfortunately, it's the people that we are the closest too that can hurt us the most... With other people (strangers and such), we tend to put up barriers, but you're supposed to be able to trust and rely on your family, or so I've always been told.

Personally, I have no defenses or distance when it comes to my family (I live with some and spend a lot of time around others) so I have been having an extremely difficult time! I wish that putting a distance between them and myself was an option, but I'm pretty well stuck at the moment. So I'm working instead on putting up emotional barriers instead.

So unfortunately, I have very little advice to give, because I'm just coming to the same realization! But I can say that you aren't alone, and tell you not to feel guilty about how you are feeling. Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean that they are good to have in your life. And as hard as it is (and I so know it is!) try not to let their opinion matter as much to you. Also, sometimes creating a family of friends can make up for the closeness and support that you can't find with your blood relatives. Try to surround yourself with encouraging and understanding people!

[Rian3424]

I know family triggers me when I have expectations for them. I love to be around them most of the time. I feel this is not reciprocal due to my brothers and mother being very busy with families, jobs, proximity, maybe lack of interest, etc. So when I texted, left a voicemail, or emailed and did not receive a response I did get upset. I have trouble getting out of my house due to major depression and severe PTSD, and I use a service dog. For one brother and his wife I am not welcome in their home with the dog, and they are the ones who usually hold family get-togethers due to proximity. Yet, when I do not attend because of not being able to travel without my service dog, I am blamed for "choosing" not to attend family functions. It is definitely a negative attitude, and I do not receive further invitations to anything because of my "choice." Several years ago I changed my last name to honor a very giving and loving couple who were extremely supportive in my teens and twenties when my parents were into their own things (alcoholism, gambling, affairs, etc.) and could not help me with my life's goals. This family did. Without them I would not have gotten a college education, and really do not know where my life would be today without them. The reaction to my name change which was only a positive motivation for me was one of anger and upset by some members of my family that I was "disrespectful" for taking on a new surname. I tried to explain, but two brothers and sisters-in-law were determined to add this behavior to my list of offending behaviors. Both of these families do not use my new last name when corresponding by mail. They just put my first name on the envelope. At the same time friends and colleagues were very happy and supportive for this change in my life.

I have learned over the years to keep in contact, but not hold expectations for family members. And, that contact has definitely lessened over the years. When I know of a family function, I do ask to bring my service dog, and if there are any hesitations or direct denials I do not attend. I have understood that my four siblings and mother cannot be supportive in the way I need them to be. When my expectations for them changed to nothing, then my upset diminished greatly. I really think we know our families well enough to set ourselves up for disaster when we rely on them for advice, emotional support, or even friendship. I have to remind myself that they too were raised in the same chaotic and dysfunctional household I was.