dad in lockup

[ryeish]

dad has been treated for depression for a long long time. lots of it is family issues, he hates his mother and the focus of his life is his mother. every conversation involves him spending an hour ranting about what an evil person she is. yesterday he went off the handle about her, left his home and disappeared. late last night my brother began calling hospitals and discovered that he did a voluntary admit to the hospital near them. bro drove over there and they let him in to talk to him but he started yelling at my brother and told him to leave. they hung out there for a while, while they waited dad was moved to psych unit. he didn't sign a release to share any info, mom hasn't been able to find out where he is.

i'm 4 days from leaving for the only vacation we've had all year. :\

not sure when/if i'll drive up there, the last time we talked it didn't end well. he was upset that some money my gma set aside for me she spent on herself (she's nearing 100, she's probably running out of cash). i said no biggie, something i never had won't hurt me. wrong answer, he went off again and I told him to see his doc asap if not i'd call the guy.

[Cinnamon]

sorry you are facing this. Not sure of the ages but it sounds like you are an adult and your dad is still married to your mom. He was wise to check himself into healthcare and if he made a choice not share information, there it is.
As for vacation, take it, both physically and mentally. As you said, dad has had depression for a long time and you are no doubt worn out. Stay in touch but stay focused on self-nurture.
there must be more to the story about his mom...carrying anger that long doesn't just happen spontaneously...poor guy. sounds like he has not been heard for a long long time.

[ryeish]

I'm in my late 40s, dad mid 70s.

But his mom issue has been going on a long time. I cut off most contact when I couldn't deal with his narcissistic attitude anymore. For me I'd just tell him to knock it the hell off but when he started that on my daughter I put my foot down. If they want to talk to her they do it with me on the phone so I can stop anything before it gets too bad. I suggested years ago he needed to get therapy, he goes once in a while but he doesn't work on it. I tried to talk to his doc once but dad wouldn't give me power of atty so I wrote his doc a letter then mailed it. But I wish he'd start harboring so many grudges. He's now up in arms because of some medal he thought he earned when he was in vietnam in the late 50s. Also he's still on a rant about my brother's ex wife - they split 10+ years ago and my brother has moved on but dad hasn't. I used to call and let him vent to me but after hearing the same stuff it started to drag me down. My view on this is if someone bothers you that much either ignore them or tell them to @#$@#$ off then ignore them. To me relationships are like appliances, if something no longer works I'm getting rid of it.

Part of his stuff is he doesn't have a lot of outside life. Spends the day watching TV, usually news chat shows, which always get him agitated. I asked him to not watch those as they get him in a horrible mood but he loves them. If not TV then online reading news comment sites, which aggravate him a lot too. Not a lot is done in the exercise department, either. He used to be pretty active but not anymore.

They moved him to a different place yesterday. Mom was called and asked to send him some clothing, she couldn't find most of his stuff. Went to the car and in the trunk he had most of his clothing and his laptop. She also found stuff to indicate that he was leading a double life more or less, which has gotten her hugely upset. I've called to check up on her, no answer so I'll ask her neighbors to check up on her to make sure she's ok.

Never a dull moment in this family. :\

[Cinnamon]

Mom issues....ahh, does anyone ever get over these if they have them?

Sad your dad has chosen to stay stuck in anger and in a story for so long. Not sure, sometimes, when people rant for years about something and not working on it, if they aren't either really getting something in return from the anger or, and in my opinion, that anger and ranting hides some deeper scarier pain.

I am glad that you set boundaries for your daughter's interactions with him. It sounds like you struggle with being a support and a being separate and healthy from the drama. Good luck to you and your mom. Not sure what her story but this has had to have an impact on her, living with it so many years.
I had a friend who would rant for years on the same thing, and there is a middle ground. I would state: hey, I have heard this and unless you have some new insight, I am leaving/hanging up/not listening anymore. and stick to it. Ignoring doesn't really work because they don't know why and well, telling off never healed anyone else that I know of...but it does sure feel good at the moment.

[ryeish]

I really don't think people do. The mom issue keeps a lot of people in therapy.

He's still in, might be released Wednesday if all goes well. Mom saw him for a bit today when they met with a social worker, mom didn't say what happened but she sounded mad, so I guess the SW suggested something she didn't like. I love mom but my god, she can be hard headed.

I love your suggestion about "I've heard this before" I am going to start using that one.

Thanks, Cinnamon.

[ghughes1980]

If your family needs your help then they'll call you, go on with your daily life until then. If he's in the care of professionals you've actually done your duty. Make sure you take care of "you". This advice was given to me recently by a therapist regarding my own father. When he get's back into a routine at home volunteer to help out. You don't have to parent them you're their child not the other way around. It's alright for you to set boundaries here. Checking in to see how they are going is fine but let them ask you for help don't become Mr. Helicopter.

[ryeish]

I've been working on the boundaries, setting them has been tough for me. I've made it two full days, maybe it's working. Haven't heard from them but I got a slew of txts from other family members that I just deleted.

Nice to have a few days off out of the rat race.

[davidmikky]

Damn! I feel like I'm missing everything today