Abusive mother & setting boundaries: cutting off contact?

[littlem]

My mother currently lives across the country. We don't talk much (this is good) but she recently announced (to my sister) that she wants to move to the city my sister and I live in. Cue immediate panic on my part!

I moved away from her almost 10 years ago and I, quite frankly, do not want her in my life again. She only ever causes me stress. Just the mention of her moving here has brought up so much past stuff I thought I was "over," I am considering going to therapy again!

I was always her primary target for abuse (primarily emotional, but occasionally physical); of course in her mind she deserves the Best Mom Award and has never done anything wrong. The fact is I will never ever be able to trust her or care about her the way a daughter should, and thanks to therapy I now recognize that she will never change, and I need to focus on protecting myself from her abuse.

I have been able to set some boundaries, by phone, which have made our phone conversations tolerable (and by that I mean, she no longer spends 99% of our phone conversations screaming at me and telling me I'm a horrible person). Mostly there's small talk when I speak to her now, which is primarily on holidays/birthdays/etc. (though I avoid talking with her when I can); every time I have to speak with her my anxiety spikes. I have seen her twice since I moved away, post-boundary setting, and she is less abusive than when I lived with her, but still a complete narcissist, immature alcoholic.

I'm terrified if she moves to the same city with me I won't be able to maintain boundaries with her. That, being who she is, she'll try to butt into my life again and create chaos in my currently mostly peaceful life, which I desperately need and want to maintain. My husband and I are having nightmares about her showing up at our door screaming, trying to beat the shit out of us, and we will have to call the police (this would only be a repeat of previous experiences with her, such as on my 16th birthday when I "selfish enough" to spend it with my father instead of her and she reamed me out for an hour on the phone before driving over to my father's, cutting his face with her car keys as he tried to physically force her out of his house while I hid, crying and terrified, in the basement).

I am pondering whether I bite the bullet, before she gets here, and tell her we can't be close and I will only see her rarely (on my schedule, and no unannounced visits), or cut off contact with her completely. I don't really want her in my life. But setting those boundaries scares the crap out of me.

Anyone have experience with setting boundaries with abusive parents or cutting them out of their lives?

[oak]

First up, you seem like a lovely, kind, articulate person. You don't deserve this.

The following advice is from my experience as a fraternity house director, specifically regarding drunk people who are causing problems. Escalating situations that need not exist in the first place.

I have high regard for people who struggle with alcohol. I recognize their inherent worth.

I also have no regard, disdain actually, for drunk people who instigate drama. I am cool with drunk people who keep to themselves, but drunks disturbing the peace? Well, they will experience consequences.

Here is what I advise you to do:

You, your husband, and your therapist should come up, beforehand, with measurable, objective criteria for what you deem inappropriate behavior.

In cases like this, eventually someone is going to become a jerk, play the jerk, or brinkmanship the jerk-ness up to end the situation that never should have started in the first place.

In other words, if your mother chooses to be a jerk, then be ready/prepared to dictate the terms of brinkmanship.

Ergo, if she is never a jerk, then she'll never find out what you and your team are willing to do to keep the peace.

But if she is a jerk, which she will be, then as soon as she does the stupid behavior you guys decided ahead of time, then you get to implement the terms you previously decided upon.

In practice, IME, this means calling the police. Though drunk people think they are geniuses, they really don't think these things through.

Were I in your shoes, I'd talk ahead of time with a lawyer and a community police liaison.

Consider this: if I, heaven forbid, were to walk up to your house, yell like a fool, threaten, then you would rightly call the police. Why should it be any different because this is your mother?

Remember, right or wrong society has a very low opinion of drunk people causing trouble.

Here are two lines I found effective when dealing with drunk troublemakers:

1. "I'm not discussing it, and I'm not discussing not discussing it."

2. "I am going to get my phone. If you are here 30 seconds from now, when I get back, I am calling the police."

Above, do what you say you will.

Good luck.

There are few likely happy or morally uplifting outcomes, but I think you and your husband can move through this to a more-whole place.

Keep us posted!

[littlem]

Thanks, Oak, I appreciate the support and advice. Looks like I need to come up with a plan--which I already expected, but it's nice to have some validation.

I haven't heard anything further about her move in the past few weeks. Secretly hoping she changes her mind (in all honesty, for her own wellbeing, it would be better if she stayed where she is; she has a bigger support system and more opportunities in her current town than she would have here).

At this point, I have accepted who she is--alcoholism and all. But that doesn't mean I accept the stress and hurt she causes. I just wish it was easier to keep them separate.

[littlem]

Well in a crazy turn of events, my mother was pulled over by police while driving across the country and her car was impounded. She has to go to a hearing in 7 days and may have her license suspended. I was told this was because of speeding, but the cops don't impound your car for speeding unless she was going WAY over the speed limit or has other infractions on her record.

Mixed emotions: a little bit of relief that she won't be here next week; the feeling that my mother really is the cause of her own demise (though I'm sure she will blame everything on the policeman). I found it odd that it took me about 6 hours to feel any sympathy for her-- admittedly, it's a crappy situation to be without your car or money in a strange town away from anyone you know; but wouldn't a normal person have a) not done something to get pulled over in the first place, and b) saved some money or had a plan before moving across the country instead of relying on their 23-year-old daughter (my younger sister) to put them up and solve their issues??