Arguing with Dad over my sister
Posted: September 6th, 2016, 1:24 pm
This morning I got into an argument over text with my Dad about my sister.
She is applying to dental school. I don't think this is a great idea given the fact that she finds intensive schooling really stressful and had pretty negative experiences in college, but it's her decision. Or is it?
Every time in her life she's ever had to apply for something she freezes up with anxiety and it usually only gets completed because my parents do it for her. Now, she is 27, and the same thing is happening with her dental school applications. My dad asked me to help her and I gave her some advice about how to answer the various application questions. At the same time she revealed that our dad had already written answers for her for most of them.
I texted him and said I didn't feel great about this, because it basically amounts to plagiarism (I've spent a lot of time teaching so I have lots of feelings about plagiarism in general). He told me that he knows her experiences well enough to write for her, and that it's fine because she'll probably end up editing them to some extent. He said that he knows she won't get it done if he doesn't give her somewhere to start. I know that's probably true but I still didn't like it.
I suggested that if she has this many problems with following through in these situations (and this is a very long-standing habit), maybe she should consider going to therapy and learning some coping skills. I myself have struggled a lot with procrastination in my academic career, and I found therapy helpful. He basically said that she'd gone before and it hadn't helped, that I might want and believe in therapy but she doesn't.
Now, my family has always been very negative towards mental health care in general. Both of my parents are physicians, and they're highly skeptical about psychiatrists and therapists in general. My mother once asked me what she could do to improve our relationship. I said "go to therapy" and she outright refused, because she thinks therapists are bullshit. So, this felt like an attack on me, even if it wasn't a direct one or intended as such.
On top of that I think my father was clearly upset that I described what he is doing as plagiarism.
Anyway, I guess my question is, what should I do? I feel like my parents are harming my sister by enabling her in this way. If she gets into dental school under false pretenses, I don't think it will help her. It will only make things worse when she can't perform under pressure. On the other hand, is it really my business or my problem? My parents are so resistant to anything I say. My sister breaks down utterly at the slightest hint of criticism (or what she sees as criticism) so I don't see much point in telling her what I think.
Maybe there is nothing I can do. This situation wouldn't bother me so much if my parents weren't constantly asking me to help my sister out, even though she will never ask me for help without their prompting. And I also feel resentful, honestly. She was always the baby. I feel like they've always been indulgent towards her in a way that has stunted her agency. I've done most of this same stuff on my own, although my parents have helped me out a lot money-wise.
Anyway, I'm just not sure how to deal with my feelings around this whole dynamic with my sister and my parents. Any suggestions?
She is applying to dental school. I don't think this is a great idea given the fact that she finds intensive schooling really stressful and had pretty negative experiences in college, but it's her decision. Or is it?
Every time in her life she's ever had to apply for something she freezes up with anxiety and it usually only gets completed because my parents do it for her. Now, she is 27, and the same thing is happening with her dental school applications. My dad asked me to help her and I gave her some advice about how to answer the various application questions. At the same time she revealed that our dad had already written answers for her for most of them.
I texted him and said I didn't feel great about this, because it basically amounts to plagiarism (I've spent a lot of time teaching so I have lots of feelings about plagiarism in general). He told me that he knows her experiences well enough to write for her, and that it's fine because she'll probably end up editing them to some extent. He said that he knows she won't get it done if he doesn't give her somewhere to start. I know that's probably true but I still didn't like it.
I suggested that if she has this many problems with following through in these situations (and this is a very long-standing habit), maybe she should consider going to therapy and learning some coping skills. I myself have struggled a lot with procrastination in my academic career, and I found therapy helpful. He basically said that she'd gone before and it hadn't helped, that I might want and believe in therapy but she doesn't.
Now, my family has always been very negative towards mental health care in general. Both of my parents are physicians, and they're highly skeptical about psychiatrists and therapists in general. My mother once asked me what she could do to improve our relationship. I said "go to therapy" and she outright refused, because she thinks therapists are bullshit. So, this felt like an attack on me, even if it wasn't a direct one or intended as such.
On top of that I think my father was clearly upset that I described what he is doing as plagiarism.
Anyway, I guess my question is, what should I do? I feel like my parents are harming my sister by enabling her in this way. If she gets into dental school under false pretenses, I don't think it will help her. It will only make things worse when she can't perform under pressure. On the other hand, is it really my business or my problem? My parents are so resistant to anything I say. My sister breaks down utterly at the slightest hint of criticism (or what she sees as criticism) so I don't see much point in telling her what I think.
Maybe there is nothing I can do. This situation wouldn't bother me so much if my parents weren't constantly asking me to help my sister out, even though she will never ask me for help without their prompting. And I also feel resentful, honestly. She was always the baby. I feel like they've always been indulgent towards her in a way that has stunted her agency. I've done most of this same stuff on my own, although my parents have helped me out a lot money-wise.
Anyway, I'm just not sure how to deal with my feelings around this whole dynamic with my sister and my parents. Any suggestions?