Different perspectives on an abusive parental figure
Posted: July 2nd, 2017, 10:15 am
I'm in an odd place with my family and I'm wondering if any of y'all have experienced anything similar.
tl;dr - different members of my family, especially my brothers, have different relationships and different levels of forgiveness for my abusive stepfather. I don't feel a need to forgive or accept him because he hasn't changed, but my brothers seem to have done so. The rest of my family thinks I should too, but they don't know and don't want to know how bad it was when we were kids. I've distanced myself from my otherwise loving and supportive family because I can't tolerate their denial and invalidation on this issue any more. It sucks.
the long version:
My stepfather was abusive, from the time he married my mom when I was 4 up until I left home for college. The abuse changed over the years, because like many abusers, he's a coward; as my brothers and I grew up and became potentially able to fight back, he became less prone to physical violence or forcing us to do household labor that was too strenuous for children, but remained unpredictable, manipulative, prone to screaming fits, and hypercritical. He was also neglectful in a way that I think is best described as being a bad roommate: failing to contribute to household chores or supply needs, leaving it all to fall on us kids and our (working) mother; demanding space and attention regardless of what we might be working on; and petty shit like watching TV with the volume up outside our bedrooms late at night.
My mother has always behaved in a very codependent way with him. I know she tried to protect us in some ways, and when possible we were shuffled off to our grandparents' house to get us away from him, but at the same time, she refused to talk about the abuse and has even said she doesn't remember any of it. His temper and moodiness have gotten him into trouble over the years, resulting in several lost jobs and mounting debt, and she's always protected him and supported him in spite of the fact that he's rarely expressed any gratitude or returned any support. She's spent so many years enabling him that while they've settled into a routine that means he's rarely provoked any more, he's never had to change or mature as a person. He's still deeply narcissistic; the only time he ever expresses concern for others is if he's afraid he'll get in trouble. The handful of times he lost his temper and hurt one of us kids in public, he ended up groveling to my grandparents for forgiveness because he's terrified of my grandfather. Last year I finally had a conversation with my mom about some of this, and she seemed surprised and upset (in spite of the fact that she'd been present for some of the worst of it) and said she'd talk to him; the next day he sent me an email with the subject line "I apologize" but the entire text was him rambling about what a hard life he'd had and how abusive his father had been, without a single word about what he'd done. There was no expression of remorse or attempt to make amends. He didn't actually talk about me or my brothers at all.
Being victimized at home led to avoidance and passivity, and that, combined with a tendency to eat for comfort which made me a fat kid, brought me in for years of bullying. I was never severely hurt but I was frequently struck, mocked, and robbed, to say nothing of spending years with few or no friends.
I came out of all this with attachment issues, a codependent personality, and c-ptsd that leaves me completely unable to interact with authority figures or handle conflict. I've also spent years depressed and isolated because I have a very poor self-image and an inability to trust.
So, that's the background. Now, here's the kicker:
I have two step-brothers, my stepfather's children from a previous marriage; and one half-brother, his son by my mother. I'm the only one who is not actually his son.
This had some weird effects over the years. I received somewhat less severe physical abuse, grabbing and shaking and slapping rather than closed-fist punches, I think because he was, as I mentioned, terrified of my grandfather, a special forces veteran and very well-known and well-loved member of the local business community. I also received none of the positive attention he occasionally gave to my brothers.
I've had some major upheavals in my life over the last couple years. I had two major relationship failures and a subsequent emotional breakdown when I found myself alone for the first time in years. Since then I've been working on unpacking a lot of this old damage and trying to heal some of it. I've actually made a lot of progress, which is great, thanks to finally finding a great psychiatrist, some good therapists, and a support group. I still isolate myself pretty badly and really struggle with self esteem, which is magnified by the fact that I have no career to speak of and I'm financially struggling, but all in all things are slowly getting better.
As part of figuring this stuff out, I began laying out some boundaries with my family. They've always been very loving and caring in a somewhat overbearing, conflict-avoidant way. My grandparents are generous with gifts and to this day still insist on slipping me cash when I visit, which is embarrassing at my age but since I have no healthcare and my truck is falling apart I can't really afford to refuse. Family holidays have always been big, festive affairs where we all get together and everyone is enthusiastic and joyful and all that other business, and I've tried to participate over the years and always found myself joining in but never feeling quite right. Last year I decided that I just was no longer going to participate in anything my stepfather would be present at; if no one wants to talk about what had happened or have any sort of accountability, then I'm just not willing to keep pretending everything is fine. I also don't trust myself entirely, because I've been overcoming some of my issues with passivity but I still have a very deep well of anger, and I worry that it wouldn't take much on my stepfather's part to set off a couple decades' worth of repressed rage. I want to work that anger out, but I don't think it's a good idea to work it out on his face at Thanksgiving.
This seems to have taken my mom and my grandparents by surprise, and my grandmother especially keeps cajoling me to come back, and "not let him have so much power over" me. They've thrown it in my face a couple of times that my brothers have all apparently made their peace with their father - although I know well enough that none of us likes or respects him - while I haven't. My grandparents think he's "grumpy" or at worst "unpleasant." The thing is, there was never any relationship for me to repair! They're all his kids, and I guess that relationship means something to them. I don't really get it; I love my dad in an abstract way, but he was never around in my life except the occasional holiday visit or summer camping trip and I wouldn't say I really have a relationship with him or feel any desire to build one. My stepfather was never anything to me; my entire experience of him was as a constant threat, like a home invader just moved in and wouldn't leave. There was no affection or rapport, only abuse. We can't reconcile because we were never "conciled" in the first place!
I don't feel particularly compelled to forgive and accept someone who hasn't changed and doesn't deserve it; I don't think that forgiving someone and moving on from the harm they caused you are necessarily the same thing.
So now I visit my grandparents regularly but I've mostly cut myself off from my family otherwise. It sucks, but it doesn't suck as much as disrespecting myself and pretending nothing is wrong. I do miss my brothers, though, and I guess that's the weirdest thing about where I'm at. No one in my family talks about adverse experiences, let alone child abuse and domestic violence. Now the stepchildren are the ones who are "in" with the family and I'm on the outside and I don't really know how to talk to my brothers about their experiences and how they dealt with it, let alone how to explain the difference to anyone else. I lived across the country for several years after college, and all of this receded into the background because I loved the place I lived and I had a pretty good life there; but now I've moved back to my hometown and, while it's not a bad place to live in general, it doesn't really suit me, and since my family is all here, all these issues are right back in my face where I have to deal with them instead of just processing them in the background over time while I get on with my own life.
I guess I'm just stressed and annoyed and deeply ambivalent. I'm kinda stuck where I am until I can make some kind of career recovery; I can't afford to move, so unless I can get a good enough job to transfer elsewhere, or get into grad school and get the financial aid to leave, I have to deal with where I'm at. It is my hope that as I recover more and develop a healthier sense of self and more emotional resilience, I'll be able to have a renewed relationship with my family in spite of the complexities of this situation. But right now I just can't. It would be ideal to be far away from them again, but as it is, firm boundaries will have to do, and if those boundaries are a little bit aggressive or even punitive... well, it's the best I can do for now.
tl;dr - different members of my family, especially my brothers, have different relationships and different levels of forgiveness for my abusive stepfather. I don't feel a need to forgive or accept him because he hasn't changed, but my brothers seem to have done so. The rest of my family thinks I should too, but they don't know and don't want to know how bad it was when we were kids. I've distanced myself from my otherwise loving and supportive family because I can't tolerate their denial and invalidation on this issue any more. It sucks.
the long version:
My stepfather was abusive, from the time he married my mom when I was 4 up until I left home for college. The abuse changed over the years, because like many abusers, he's a coward; as my brothers and I grew up and became potentially able to fight back, he became less prone to physical violence or forcing us to do household labor that was too strenuous for children, but remained unpredictable, manipulative, prone to screaming fits, and hypercritical. He was also neglectful in a way that I think is best described as being a bad roommate: failing to contribute to household chores or supply needs, leaving it all to fall on us kids and our (working) mother; demanding space and attention regardless of what we might be working on; and petty shit like watching TV with the volume up outside our bedrooms late at night.
My mother has always behaved in a very codependent way with him. I know she tried to protect us in some ways, and when possible we were shuffled off to our grandparents' house to get us away from him, but at the same time, she refused to talk about the abuse and has even said she doesn't remember any of it. His temper and moodiness have gotten him into trouble over the years, resulting in several lost jobs and mounting debt, and she's always protected him and supported him in spite of the fact that he's rarely expressed any gratitude or returned any support. She's spent so many years enabling him that while they've settled into a routine that means he's rarely provoked any more, he's never had to change or mature as a person. He's still deeply narcissistic; the only time he ever expresses concern for others is if he's afraid he'll get in trouble. The handful of times he lost his temper and hurt one of us kids in public, he ended up groveling to my grandparents for forgiveness because he's terrified of my grandfather. Last year I finally had a conversation with my mom about some of this, and she seemed surprised and upset (in spite of the fact that she'd been present for some of the worst of it) and said she'd talk to him; the next day he sent me an email with the subject line "I apologize" but the entire text was him rambling about what a hard life he'd had and how abusive his father had been, without a single word about what he'd done. There was no expression of remorse or attempt to make amends. He didn't actually talk about me or my brothers at all.
Being victimized at home led to avoidance and passivity, and that, combined with a tendency to eat for comfort which made me a fat kid, brought me in for years of bullying. I was never severely hurt but I was frequently struck, mocked, and robbed, to say nothing of spending years with few or no friends.
I came out of all this with attachment issues, a codependent personality, and c-ptsd that leaves me completely unable to interact with authority figures or handle conflict. I've also spent years depressed and isolated because I have a very poor self-image and an inability to trust.
So, that's the background. Now, here's the kicker:
I have two step-brothers, my stepfather's children from a previous marriage; and one half-brother, his son by my mother. I'm the only one who is not actually his son.
This had some weird effects over the years. I received somewhat less severe physical abuse, grabbing and shaking and slapping rather than closed-fist punches, I think because he was, as I mentioned, terrified of my grandfather, a special forces veteran and very well-known and well-loved member of the local business community. I also received none of the positive attention he occasionally gave to my brothers.
I've had some major upheavals in my life over the last couple years. I had two major relationship failures and a subsequent emotional breakdown when I found myself alone for the first time in years. Since then I've been working on unpacking a lot of this old damage and trying to heal some of it. I've actually made a lot of progress, which is great, thanks to finally finding a great psychiatrist, some good therapists, and a support group. I still isolate myself pretty badly and really struggle with self esteem, which is magnified by the fact that I have no career to speak of and I'm financially struggling, but all in all things are slowly getting better.
As part of figuring this stuff out, I began laying out some boundaries with my family. They've always been very loving and caring in a somewhat overbearing, conflict-avoidant way. My grandparents are generous with gifts and to this day still insist on slipping me cash when I visit, which is embarrassing at my age but since I have no healthcare and my truck is falling apart I can't really afford to refuse. Family holidays have always been big, festive affairs where we all get together and everyone is enthusiastic and joyful and all that other business, and I've tried to participate over the years and always found myself joining in but never feeling quite right. Last year I decided that I just was no longer going to participate in anything my stepfather would be present at; if no one wants to talk about what had happened or have any sort of accountability, then I'm just not willing to keep pretending everything is fine. I also don't trust myself entirely, because I've been overcoming some of my issues with passivity but I still have a very deep well of anger, and I worry that it wouldn't take much on my stepfather's part to set off a couple decades' worth of repressed rage. I want to work that anger out, but I don't think it's a good idea to work it out on his face at Thanksgiving.
This seems to have taken my mom and my grandparents by surprise, and my grandmother especially keeps cajoling me to come back, and "not let him have so much power over" me. They've thrown it in my face a couple of times that my brothers have all apparently made their peace with their father - although I know well enough that none of us likes or respects him - while I haven't. My grandparents think he's "grumpy" or at worst "unpleasant." The thing is, there was never any relationship for me to repair! They're all his kids, and I guess that relationship means something to them. I don't really get it; I love my dad in an abstract way, but he was never around in my life except the occasional holiday visit or summer camping trip and I wouldn't say I really have a relationship with him or feel any desire to build one. My stepfather was never anything to me; my entire experience of him was as a constant threat, like a home invader just moved in and wouldn't leave. There was no affection or rapport, only abuse. We can't reconcile because we were never "conciled" in the first place!
I don't feel particularly compelled to forgive and accept someone who hasn't changed and doesn't deserve it; I don't think that forgiving someone and moving on from the harm they caused you are necessarily the same thing.So now I visit my grandparents regularly but I've mostly cut myself off from my family otherwise. It sucks, but it doesn't suck as much as disrespecting myself and pretending nothing is wrong. I do miss my brothers, though, and I guess that's the weirdest thing about where I'm at. No one in my family talks about adverse experiences, let alone child abuse and domestic violence. Now the stepchildren are the ones who are "in" with the family and I'm on the outside and I don't really know how to talk to my brothers about their experiences and how they dealt with it, let alone how to explain the difference to anyone else. I lived across the country for several years after college, and all of this receded into the background because I loved the place I lived and I had a pretty good life there; but now I've moved back to my hometown and, while it's not a bad place to live in general, it doesn't really suit me, and since my family is all here, all these issues are right back in my face where I have to deal with them instead of just processing them in the background over time while I get on with my own life.
I guess I'm just stressed and annoyed and deeply ambivalent. I'm kinda stuck where I am until I can make some kind of career recovery; I can't afford to move, so unless I can get a good enough job to transfer elsewhere, or get into grad school and get the financial aid to leave, I have to deal with where I'm at. It is my hope that as I recover more and develop a healthier sense of self and more emotional resilience, I'll be able to have a renewed relationship with my family in spite of the complexities of this situation. But right now I just can't. It would be ideal to be far away from them again, but as it is, firm boundaries will have to do, and if those boundaries are a little bit aggressive or even punitive... well, it's the best I can do for now.
