YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I am going through a great challenge at work.

I have not shirked my responsibility, and I can look myself in the mirror.

I’ve been ready to quit for some months, and even gave my notice a few weeks ago (I was talked out of it).

I am really struggling. I even prayed (!) that I either get help soon/now or that I get moved. (If I pray that is a sign of the end of my rope).

So I stop by to visit my parents.

They ask how I’m doing. I say bad (true).

I state that I am ready to quit, notice or not.

I really can’t fathom having a normal mother. You know, that person that is supposed to love you?

What I needed to hear: “We know you’re going through a hard time. No one will support you more than us! If we can be of any assistance, you call 24/7. In the meantime, you hang in there. You’ve got this!”

What she actually said: “Do you have money?”

This is rehash number 5213 of 2006 conversation about why Oak is bad/broke #4.5.

I was broke and foolish in 2006. I am now wiser and paycheck to paycheck (big difference).

Another example: two years old my elderly father was about to have major surgery. 36 hours before did he talk about his love for me, giving me encouragement for a future that he might be there for?

No.

They lectured me extensively about having an old (but well maintained) car.

So that’s where I am: they cannot/will not see past who I used to be.

I think I’m cool, or at least sort of interesting.

That must be a sad way to live: yelling at people just doing their job (me at work) or being so caught up in the past that you can’t love (my family).

Hello Oak,

A few thoughts.

1. Why do they do this? Maybe because that's what a lot a parents tend to do. Heard many stories of parents who harp on the past, or remind their kids of their failings or the parents wishes for them (why weren't you a doctor, etc).
As we get older, seems like we need to actively try to stay alert and flexible, otherwise mental calcification sets in.

2. You do seem like an interesting fellow, trying to make your way and sharing your experiences.

3. One way to think about your mom's question is out of concern - "Do you have a financial buffer until you find another job?" sort of thing....

4. I know the feeling of saying "Fuck this - Take this job and shove it!" Almost did that last year during a quite stupid and gut-wrenching period at work. Upper "Management" wanted us to move out of an under-occupied building with a minimum of communication and planning. It eventually fell through, and stressed a lot of people for no good reason.

5. It's easier to look for another job while you're still employed. You don't have the financial pressure and worry that you would if unemployed and possibly too much free time. Is it possible to hang on for awhile?

Wishing you the best.

Snoring Dog

Oak, their words may have nothing to do with you at all. When I tried to talk to my dad about some stuff in my childhood, he went on extensively about how they had no money but made sure I had a new coat, lessons, etc. I 100% do not care about what I had or didn't have in my childhood. I have never mentioned it. I think my parents had some shame around money and my dad was projecting it onto me. Is it possible they are projecting their own money worries on to you?
Heather

@Snoringdog and Heather: thank you for your lovely posts. They help me be more human. I have taken your insights and recommendations to heart.

I have two guesses:

1. My mother already has the role of "broken person", and I got off-script of my (never agreed to) role of "broke guy".

Other roles in the family include successful daughter, fun/reckless son, uptight religious daughter, endlessly patient and giving father, and put upon but good sport daughter.

2. She's right.

As I've posted elsewhere today, I have potentially serious car trouble, and a minimum of savings.

(Though I do consider that I've had a grand total of zero savings for 95% of the last fifteen years, so I am doing much better.)

Now, she is rightly sick of doing this same old crap.

(Yet, her lifelong bad habits are not up for discussion, ever.)

She could handle this like I handle 10-20 situations a day at work: de-escalate, offer alternatives, manage expectations, express encouragement, and welcome contact. In practice:

"Ah yes, I see what's going on. I've got several options to resolve this, and there's a 90% chance we'll get you taken care of today. In the unlikely chance it doesn't work out, I have a Plan B ready. In the meantime, you call anytime if you have any questions!"

Translated to my personal finance life, here is the words I crave to hear from my parents:

"Hey, we know you've struggled with this a long time. You've come a long way, and there is a great future right out in front of you. With a little more effort, we know you'll get there. We'll have a party when you do! In the meantime, nothing can change our love for you. Hey, for fun, why don't we sit down right now and write up a budget on a yellow pad? We'll give it a good try for ten minutes, have a good laugh, and then go for a walk. I'll buy you an ice cream for your courage. Sound good?"

Sigh.

Oak wrote:Translated to my personal finance life, here is the words I crave to hear from my parents:

"Hey, we know you've struggled with this a long time. You've come a long way, and there is a great future right out in front of you. With a little more effort, we know you'll get there. We'll have a party when you do! In the meantime, nothing can change our love for you. Hey, for fun, why don't we sit down right now and write up a budget on a yellow pad? We'll give it a good try for ten minutes, have a good laugh, and then go for a walk. I'll buy you an ice cream for your courage. Sound good?"

My father has passed away 4 years ago, and I still grieve that he didn't nurture me during so many opportunities that he had to do so.

You may have the task of being the loving parent to yourself that your own parents did-not/could-not be.

I am sorry, you deserve better.