YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm having a lot of trouble with my mom right now and wanted to share here. My mom is very important to me, but I don't feel like I can really talk to her, especially about my depression. She also deals with depression and anxiety, so I hate to burden her with my own issues, but her comments lately have been very hurtful to me.

Here's the situation. I just graduated from college and am currently unemployed--not by choice. My mom, who has been in the same job for as long as I've been alive, seems to think that my joblessness is my fault and that if I was really trying, I could easily find something. Worst of all, I've had to borrow some money from her in order to put down the security deposit on my new apartment and buy a new laptop, since my old one died. She's basically lording it over me. The one time I tried to talk to her about it, she seemed to be understanding, but the behavior hadn't stopped.

I don't know what to do. Part of me believes her, that I'm just lazy or too picky with the jobs I'm applying to. At the same time, I can feel the depression creeping in, and I know it's affecting me. I feel like there's a gaping hole in my chest, and I've cried myself to sleep more than a few nights in the past weeks.

I'd appreciate any advice/support you guys have to give. Feeling very alone right now.

If she deals with depression herself, I doubt she thinks it's laziness. Maybe she's taking her own irritation with herself out on you. When you have external motivation, like a child for example, it's....I wouldn't say it's easier, but you can kick yourself out of bed when someone else is counting on you for their survival. No matter how old the child gets, the parent still feels that sense of responsibility.

Without you having that external motivation like she does, she may not be able to relate.


I don't know your circumstances, but if you are being selective about a job and now you're to the point you have to borrow money....well, it would be time to settle. This is in no way a stab at you - I've been in the same situation. The only light at the end of the tunnel, I've found, is knowing that there is a way out. Just sacrifice 8 hours of your day to pay the bills at some shithole job, for now, and spend the other times searching for something that makes it a little easier to get out of bed.

That, and all employers (if you're in the states) are required to provide mental health resources to their employees for free - they're limited, but it's a start.

Maybe, for now, distance yourself from your mom a bit. You may love her to death, but if she's making you feel worse about yourself, she's not helping you. You can try being honest with her about how she's making you feel, but if she doesn't respond, you do need to distance yourself for a bit.

There's an end. It can end, and that's what I like to remember...

Hello mouse! Remember what people say is reflective of their internal monologue. She is projecting her own unhealthy, incapable response to depression. fifthsonata's reply hits the nail on the head. Below is the forum copypasta for getting low/no cost professional help. Please take care. Use this forum as a resource for support and sharing! All the best!

___.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.___

United States website to find sliding scale "low/no" cost mental health services. Also information on medication assistance: NeedyMeds - Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics U.S. Database

Discussion of low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: Maria Bamford podcast, Episode 95, Jan 04 2013 at minute 6:00.

If you think you might need this resource, then you definitely need this resource - please check out the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network - RAINN at RAINN.org

Google searches for low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: your town or county + one of these terms:

• low cost counselling service
• sliding scale counselling service
• CMHC
• community mental health
• community service board office

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines

Here is a post and thread on Reddit about getting medication at low or no cost: Community Assistance Program, accepted at Target pharmacy and many other pharmacies

Cheers to you, for scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this copypasta!

Mouse,

I have the same problems with my mother. Last February, I had been unemployed for 3 months after working full-time for 5 years. I was living with my cousin in the city, and spent 5 days just laying in my bed, only leaving the room to go to the bathroom, refill my bottle with ice water, and maybe find something to eat. Days 4 and 5 all I did was cry. I had no cell phone, no computer, no motivation to do anything. I finally couldn't take it, and at about 7:30 p.m. on a Sunday, threw some clothes into my carry-on suitcase and drove the 20 miles to my parents. I had the radio turned off, and just did my best to hold in the tears as I drove home. I felt like such a failure. I had a negative balance in my bank account, owed TMobile for my cell phone bill and had the phone turned off because I could not pay, I could not get any response back from the hundreds of jobs I had applied for. I walked in the door, and my dad was in the kitchen and asked why I was there. I just completely broke down and told him and my mother about how I hadn't gotten out of bed in days and was just at a loss and didn't know what to do. My mother, in a rare showing of compassion, pulled me into a hug (I hate being touched) and told me everything would be ok, that things would get better, and we would talk about it the next day after I had gotten sleep and showered. (I really smelled after spending so long not getting out of bed).

The next day, I sat down with my parents and just laid everything out on the table: my failure at finding a job, my overdrawing of my bank account, my phone being turned off, everything. My mother said she would help me out and took me to the bank that morning, to put money into my account to bring it up to $0 and close it, and used her credit card to pay the money I owed TMobile and to cancel my account with them. She took me to Chick-Fil-A for lunch, and as we were driving home while I drank the world's best lemonade, she proceeded to tell me that she expected me to get a job soon so I could pay her back, and that it would be best if I moved back home, as long as I went back to school (which I had already decided to do) and I could NO LONGER FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF, because feeling sorry for yourself is not allowed in her house. She said she expected me to be applying to at least 10 jobs a day, and she wanted to see my job applications and the e-mails I received from applying for them. I was 27 years old! But, I did not see any other choice, so I moved back home.

I did get an overnight babysitting job for a police officer in the city, so I would drive the 15 miles 4 nights a week to babysit for almost nothing a month. But, there was money coming in, so I was happy. I contacted the 4 universities I had attended in the past and had them send my transcripts to the local community college so I could finally complete an associates degree (and I'll have a certificate once I'm done next spring!). I took 1 class last summer, 3 in the fall, and 6 this past spring. I had no complaints throughout the summer and fall, when I was still really battling my depression, but once I was on campus 12 hours a day, she started harping on me about finding a job once again. I was lucky enough to find a temp job working for a large company in the suburbs here, but it's still just a temporary project, and I don't know how much longer it will be.

Luckily, mom lives at our lake house over the summer, so I get to stay on my own with my brother all summer long, but the thought of her coming back in 2 weeks is killing me. I've been feeling down and low the past 2 weeks, and know that if she was here it would be more "Stop being lazy" and "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's not allowed in this house." I have made an appointment with the therapist I used to see for 2 weeks from now, it's great to have the money to be able to afford it again.

Best of luck with your mom, they can be tough at times.

LettEggs

Thanks, LettEggs. It's a lot harder finding work straight out of college than people think. My mom and I recently had a heart to heart, and things have gotten much better. Hope you can work things out with your mom. Best of luck!

Glad to hear that mouse.

Mouse, I'm glad to hear things are going well with your mother.

As for me and mine, I talked to her on the phone and she's coming home in 2 weeks to do some work at her school for 3 days, then she's back to the lake for 5 days before coming home to start up the new school year. I'm planning things to do with friends and meet-up groups so that I won't have to be in the house with her a lot, so that is a big help. Plus, if I am at home, I can just go up to my room to get away from everything once in a while.

I swear, once I am not living here, I want nothing to do with my mother or her damn boyfriend. Nothing at all. I know a lot of my situation is my fault, but they don't get how fucking scared I've been, or how depressed, or how I've spent much of the last few years just trying to keep myself alive. Quite frankly, there are some days where I'm not even sure that was a good decision. They've fucking bitched at me for I don't know how long because I ate a gods damned can of corn. Really? What the fuck?

I've gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I can find a job. I don't know why I'm in grad school (though I'm doing relatively okay academically) andI just feel like...what is the point of anything? I'm sad, frustrated, tired...I don't want to do anything anymore. Maybe I am just as lazy as I keep hearing.