Parents coming to visit= freak out

[lawlessness45]

Well... My mother and father are coming to visit for 2 weeks. Normally is be marginally happy to see them, but this is the first time I will be face to face with them since my suicide attempt. I'm kind of freaking out. I just don't want to see them. Talking on the phone is one thing, because I can lie my ass off( by reassuring them that I'm ok) but puting on and maintaining that mask in person is nearly impossible, especially with my mom. Even more so because for the 2 weeks she is here she is going to " help me get my life in order" which is a horribly overwhelming prospect.i should be grateful for her help, especially since I can't seem to get motivated to do these things on my own, but there is such unvoiced disapproval in her assistance that it makes me want to just shrivel up and not exist. I know I should be doing these things on my own, ( paying bills, calling creditors, cleaning the house) but I can't seem to make myself do them. So, I guess I'm just freaking out because she is going to see how far I've let things go; and because she is going to " encourage" me to fix or at least try to fix them all in a period of 2 weeks. I know I need to do these things, and part of me is like " maybe this will be a good thing, because you will feel so shitty about stuff that you'll have to get it done" , but another part of me wants to scream " I like being in denial and ignoring all that stuff because I can pretend everything is fine". I guess, my parents visiting is just going to force me out of my state if denial, and that freaks me the fuck out. Even more so because I've changed since my suicide attempt. I listen to different music, because it reminds me less of my old self. I dyed my hair, and I've been dressing differently, wearing dark make up and black lipstick because it makes me feel like I'm not lying to myself. So my mere appearance is going to probably disturb them. I know I could remedy this by wearing my old clothes, and sticking to neutral make up, but the idea of doing that infuriates me, because my makeup is like the one thing I do that says " fuck you, I'm not ok" without actually speaking the words. Gahhh... Thee is just so much running through my head right now that I don't know how to process. I know it probably won't be as bad as I'm imagining it, but I can't seem to convince myself to stop freaking out. This is ridiculous. I'm writing this from my iPod at work, and all I want to do is make up some lame excuse about being sick, get in my car, and go do something completely irresponsible, like get shit faced ur go on a shopping spree. Just to give the finger to the universe, or to prove to myself that I can. It makes no sense. I just don't want to be here, stuck in my brain with all these thoughts for the next 4 hours. That idea alone is enough to make me want to " take a break" and drive down to the bar for a few shots... Goddamn it, this is ridiculous.

[oak]

Hey! I am glad you made it out of that situation awhile back. I am glad to see you lived.

Some thoughts as I read, which you are welcome to take or leave.

Ordinarily, honesty really is the best policy, until I read the part about "helping you get your life in order". Yikes. At the risk of being a Negative Nancy, I can see alot of ways that situation could go wrong. I encourage you to develop boundaries beforehand, and stick them the best you can during.

I am really glad that you are trying new behaviors with music and makeup. Very good!

(Full disclosure: I am sober for a few years, but straightedge-sober, not the sober-sober of my AA friends.)

As far as going to do shots, I don't really suggest that. You have the agency and free will to do it, certainly. I advise against it because what will it improve? Likewise with overspending. Perhaps we all have enough to handle without adding situations.

I am really pleased that you are using your voice, by typing this. That is really awesome.

Also, may I make a suggestion that you may not like? I encourage you, with whatever enthusiasm you can find or fake, to engross yourself in your work. For me, work can be very therapeutic. I contribute to something larger myself. But that's just me. Results may vary.

But whatever you do, keep doing just as you've been doing: using your voice. Type a post here. Write in your journal. Make notes on a napkin laying around. Call a friend. Stare at the walls and think.

Feel your feelings...that is my cheesy advice.