Cousin who touched me inappropriately when we were kids
Posted: June 24th, 2014, 10:14 am
This started elsewhere on the internet, but I'm bringing it here. I was commiserating with somebody else whose cousins are all getting married, but I decided it was unfair to dive-bomb that thread with this kind of issue because I didn't want it to seem like I was minimizing the OP's feelings around her cousin's wedding, but I do feel like I need somewhere I can just lay this out. So the part in italics is what I posted in the other forum, and then it gets into the stuff about what happened when we were kids and the effect it's had on me.
I can relate. I'm one of 9 cousins on one side of my family, and in September the last of them besides me and my brother is getting married. Even though I don't especially want marriage, it's a weird marker that makes me feel behind, and more anxious about the milestones I *do* want: financial stability, getting published, fulfilling a clear role in my community...
I guess it just makes me feel like once we get all these weddings out of the way the whole family is going to suddenly notice (as if they haven't already) what a fuckup I am.
It also doesn't help that the cousin about to get married is the one who touched me inappropriately when we were kids, and the fact that he's always been incredibly successful while I've been a total failure has always brought up a lot of gross feelings around that. I've done a lot of processing over the years; being around him generally is not a problem and I feel like our relationship is pretty great considering. The feelings definitely aren't as bad as they have been around his academic/career success, but I know parts of the wedding are going to be really hard for me, having a whole family weekend focused on this complex person in my life. I'm really happy for him and his fiancee and I don't hold what happened against his adult self (I doubt he even remembers it), but it does still bring up feelings, and having to act relatively normal because nobody else knows about the incident kind of makes it worse (although I've concluded that having anybody in the family know about it at this point would definitely be worse worse). I think it's also extra weird because it will be a quaker ceremony, which is a really intense participatory thing where everybody stares at each other because anybody could get up to speak at any time, and if I'm still in this depressive funk I don't know how I'm going to make it through without a lot of crying beyond the "oh it's so beautiful" mark. I don't want to fuck up the day for them, or draw attention to myself. Except perversely I'm praying I have book news to share by then, so I can at least play the role of the bright artistic cousin at the reception.
I can relate. I'm one of 9 cousins on one side of my family, and in September the last of them besides me and my brother is getting married. Even though I don't especially want marriage, it's a weird marker that makes me feel behind, and more anxious about the milestones I *do* want: financial stability, getting published, fulfilling a clear role in my community...
I guess it just makes me feel like once we get all these weddings out of the way the whole family is going to suddenly notice (as if they haven't already) what a fuckup I am.
It also doesn't help that the cousin about to get married is the one who touched me inappropriately when we were kids, and the fact that he's always been incredibly successful while I've been a total failure has always brought up a lot of gross feelings around that. I've done a lot of processing over the years; being around him generally is not a problem and I feel like our relationship is pretty great considering. The feelings definitely aren't as bad as they have been around his academic/career success, but I know parts of the wedding are going to be really hard for me, having a whole family weekend focused on this complex person in my life. I'm really happy for him and his fiancee and I don't hold what happened against his adult self (I doubt he even remembers it), but it does still bring up feelings, and having to act relatively normal because nobody else knows about the incident kind of makes it worse (although I've concluded that having anybody in the family know about it at this point would definitely be worse worse). I think it's also extra weird because it will be a quaker ceremony, which is a really intense participatory thing where everybody stares at each other because anybody could get up to speak at any time, and if I'm still in this depressive funk I don't know how I'm going to make it through without a lot of crying beyond the "oh it's so beautiful" mark. I don't want to fuck up the day for them, or draw attention to myself. Except perversely I'm praying I have book news to share by then, so I can at least play the role of the bright artistic cousin at the reception.
