First contact since moving out?
Posted: October 8th, 2014, 2:41 pm
It's been almost two months since I moved across the country to start college and live on my own for the first time. I've been doing really well, I'm making friends and enjoying school. My mental health is still concerning but I'm much more relaxed and self-confident now that I have control over my own life.
Next week my mother has a layover on the way home from a work thing so she'll be visiting me for two days. I do miss her because we've never been apart for this long, but the thought of her being in my house is making me very anxious. She's always been overbearing and self-centered, when I lived at home she would make hurtful comments about my weight (I'm not overweight by anyone's standards) and verbally and emotionally abuse me. I'm scared she'll judge the way I live now or lower my self esteem again, I'm scared she'll embarrass me in front of my new friends or roommates. I'm finally feeling fairly safe and settled and I don't want that taken away.
I'm also scared she'll notice that I've started self-harming again, I had issues with it in high school but she thinks I stopped years ago. I'm worried that since this is her only chance she might force me to undress so she can look, or go through my things when I'm not around (both of which she's done in the past). There's no way to have a rational conversation about self harm with her, in the past she's just made me feel guilty for upsetting her. If she finds out, she might make me come home, which would be the worst possible thing for my mental health.
I'm still very much financially dependant on her, so I really don't have much control over the situation. I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt, I should be grateful for all she's done to help me get this far.
I just wish I knew how the visit is going to go so I could prepare, but I have no idea and it's terrifying.
Next week my mother has a layover on the way home from a work thing so she'll be visiting me for two days. I do miss her because we've never been apart for this long, but the thought of her being in my house is making me very anxious. She's always been overbearing and self-centered, when I lived at home she would make hurtful comments about my weight (I'm not overweight by anyone's standards) and verbally and emotionally abuse me. I'm scared she'll judge the way I live now or lower my self esteem again, I'm scared she'll embarrass me in front of my new friends or roommates. I'm finally feeling fairly safe and settled and I don't want that taken away.
I'm also scared she'll notice that I've started self-harming again, I had issues with it in high school but she thinks I stopped years ago. I'm worried that since this is her only chance she might force me to undress so she can look, or go through my things when I'm not around (both of which she's done in the past). There's no way to have a rational conversation about self harm with her, in the past she's just made me feel guilty for upsetting her. If she finds out, she might make me come home, which would be the worst possible thing for my mental health.
I'm still very much financially dependant on her, so I really don't have much control over the situation. I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt, I should be grateful for all she's done to help me get this far.
I just wish I knew how the visit is going to go so I could prepare, but I have no idea and it's terrifying.
