YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm 31, I have 2 kids and 2 on the way at the end of next month.

I married my husband 7 years ago, because I desperately wanted to 'make it work' even though I knew then that we weren't a good fit. But we had a child together, and I needed to give the family i had created everything I had, and I have. In 2009, I separated from my husband and was convinced after only about 8 months to go back. Guilt at not giving him what he needed is the reason. Well, that and being totally convinced that no one would ever love me like he did. After a year of me trying to convince him to get a vasectomy, and wishing I had the courage to leave again, we had sex ONE time and now I'm 30 weeks along with TWO babies.

I have painted myself into a corner. I'm about to have 4 children and only a high school diploma, so I have no way of supporting them on the kind of money I am technically qualified to make. He is home from work with an injury, but will be on the road most of the time when (if) he goes back and I can not wait. I would rather take care of all 4 children, whom I love dearly and strive to do my best for, alone than have to spend one more night sleeping next to a man who makes me feel so empty and alone.

We are in marriage counseling now, but it's kind of a circle jerk. We have only discussed one issue in the past two sessions (which, per my husbands request are 3 weeks apart, due to the expense) and it's not even an interpersonal issue, its about whether or not to circumcise our twins. So we talk about that for 20 minutes (I talk in depth about my reasons and he says things like "well, I can't really answer that" when asked any question) then, the rest of the session is spent dicking around, talking about movies or whatever. It's absurd! That room is the only place I actually feel safe and even that is slipping away now that I feel the sessions are a. too far apart and b. wasted.

When I was young, i was a cutter. I'm supposed to be old enough to know better now, but the urge (along with some severe anxiety) is coming back and I don't know what to do. I tried to tell my husband that my state of mind is worsening, but we're fighting (all the time) and when I told him that he told me how much being with me is a roller coaster. Didn't even acknowledge that I had tried to ask for help. I could never commit suicide because of my children but I want to. I want to so much.

Is this hormones? Am I really just difficult to be around? I just need a hand to hold.

Hey PaintedLady-

I just wanted to say that I related to a lot of what you said in your post…more specifically staying in a relationship you know is doomed because you believe no one else will love you, then becoming unexpectedly pregnant and feeling trapped.

I understand the cycle of self-defeat that goes along with staying in a toxic relationship: you recognize how unhealthy the relationship is, you lose respect for yourself for staying in it, and this lack of self respect convinces you that you can’t do any better and might as well stay. Rinse. Repeat.

But deep down you know you need to leave. I don't think it's the hormones (though they're not helping) and I doubt you're losing your grip. That nagging, sinking feeling you’re experiencing is your gut telling you things aren’t right. And instead of facing the tough reality of what you must do, you’re entertaining the idea of self harm to cope with the pain. But it will only make it worse.

Bottom line: you need to leave. It’s sucks and it’s hard but it’s the only way you’ll be able to feel pride in yourself again. And that pride will let you believe you deserve a better life. And that’s the only way things can start to get better. I suggest getting your own therapist to help support you through this.

I can’t speak to the issues of lack of money or education. These are obstacles, though…not roadblocks. Do you have family near by? Friends? I think maybe a site like this one might give you some options to think about: http://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/

Hi PaintedLady,

First of all you express yourself beautifully and you sound like a really smart and nice women.

Secondnly, I identified very much with what you have wrote.

My circumstances are different. I have a good marriage and one child, but the normal wear and tear of life, fatigue, hormones, my natural tendandcy to be sad, together with my husbands on problems can bring me to a place were I state my misery and ask for help and don't get a response.

My advice for you is to be kind to yourself. "do what feels good" a bath after the kids are asleep, music, podcasts, exercise.

Hormones have their effects, but their not the whole story. Try to nurture yourself and acknowledge you are under stress as much as you can.

Yes, No and to the unanswered question, which is to stay or go, let it rest a few months, there is no crisis.
Yes Pre-Partum depression is real, if not in medical journals. Lets face it, you know from experience these bundles of joy are worth all your love and life and yet their needs will be 24 hours a day demands on you on all fronts from physical, emotional, financial, time demands...pregnancy is exhausting, mothering two is exhausting and bearing twins is exhausting, as is having a bad relationship because it makes you feel too much or shut down or try to which is exhausting. Add to that the huge huge hormonal shift that occurs in pregnancy (I used to joke it was a 9 month PMS, my x guessed my sister's 3rd pregnancy just by her crankiness on a weekend camping trip), and yeah, you are entitled to feel overwhelmed and to need some support. Which it sounds like you are not getting.
So, how can you get some?
Can you make a list of who can help support you and in what way (sitter, extra hands around house, vent on phone)? Because it sounds like hubby will not be there for you right now and while therapy might make things better, that is a long path and you have a big deep dip right in front of you to get past right now. Consider, if he is not talking in therapy, just going on your own to this or another therapist. Call and see if there are resources that have sliding scales or low fees.
He can go to therapy for years but if he doesn't bring his honesty and emotions with him, you are better off going on your own or going to the movies...
Humans really did not evolve to have just nuclear families....all pregnant women need the moms/grandmas/tribal crones and elders to support them and all people need some one to believe in them. you right now are lacking enough of those support systems and your feelings of being stressed are a natural reaction to that lack of support while meeting so many other human's needs...
you are strong, you are trying, you are full of love for your children and you will make it.

When I was pregnant with my second Son 2 years ago I was very depressed and married to a 33 year old teenager. The overwhelming stress of our marriage caused me to be very depressed and eventually I went into early labor and had to spend 5 days extra in the hospital with a pre mature baby. Luckily I live in Canada and have excellent health care and during this time the nurses saw what I was going through and referred me to get help with my depression. We were also in counselling and it was a joke, if the counselor knew anything about the effects of depression during pregnancy she would have advised us of the risks, which would have been more helpful than just mediated bickering. My husband and I are still together mainly because I am really good at repression. However I am now with a much better therapist that I found and we are much happier as a couple because of it.

Hi PaintedLady,
Thanks for your post, I wanted to see if you had gotten any support...
Sounds like a pretty tough position, I'm not at all surprised that you're stressed.
You must be about due? I just wanted to see how things are going right now...
Big internet hug!
Jillmimo

When I was young, i was a cutter. I'm supposed to be old enough to know better now, but the urge (along with some severe anxiety) is coming back and I don't know what to do. I tried to tell my husband that my state of mind is worsening, but we're fighting (all the time) and when I told him that he told me how much being with me is a roller coaster. Didn't even acknowledge that I had tried to ask for help. I could never commit suicide because of my children but I want to. I want to so much.

I read your post, Harry, and I honor your pain. You don't deserve this suffering. Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.