Starting on Relationships Late

[cyanidebreathmint]

I'm in my mid-twenties, and I've never had a close (romantic) relationship with another person. I still don't understand it, but my therapist says it's normal for what I've been through. I have attachment issues, and something she referred to as a "relationship based PTSD" ish thing, or something. She doesn't really like to label things too much, and prefers just talking through the emotions and experience. This may be good for me, since I can latch on to labels and obsess. I also don't plan on taking medication, and that's mostly what labels are good for.

Anyway, I've never met other people with my problem who have come out of it and learned to build working relationships. I kind of think it's impossible. Everyone I see with my problem, keeps it forever and never builds anything with another person. And even those people are rare. I've only been sure of two other people that are like me in this regard. Is there anyone here, who struggled this severely, never built any close relationships, and yet learned to do that later in life? What'd it take?

I'd appreciate having one example, at least. Maybe then I could believe it's possible.

[cpa85]

I'm not sure what your specific issues are (in the rel'ship department) but I think I may have some of the same concerns. I'm 28 and I've only been in one relationship at all (it was for about 5 months in 2006). I loved her dearly and I've always regretted how it ended (I had a minor bit of anxiety/depression flare up on me and I broke up with her because I didn't want to put her through my issues). I misunderstood what was happening to me at the time, so I naturally spun even deeper once I realized breaking up with her was a bigtime mistake. I do forgive myself for it, but it has left a legacy on my mind ever since. It's this basic worry: "if I couldn't make it work with someone who was essentially perfect, how will I have a chance with anyone else again?" Plus I'm already pretty much terrified around women as it is, so that creates quite the challenge in my life.

As part of this latest slip, I'm starting to focus harder on these (and other issues) and I have every intention of making the sort of progress I never really committed to properly before. All that being said, I'm not really sure how it's going to work. I'm just going to try my best and do everything right, and theoretically (hopefully) things will start to fall into place.

[manuel_moe_g]

I had my first sexual experience at the age of 25 (I am a male) and I had my only real relationship beginning at age 29 (I am 42 now, and that first real relationship is my current wife, and we are going strong)

So, by the numbers, I fit your criteria. I don't wish to push my autobiography on you, so all I can do is give my own self-diagnosis about what I could have done to make things move faster and for me to have suffered less pain from loneliness.

[1] I dropped my ego - this was very painful, me seeking professional help at 25 felt like a repudiation of my whole prior life

[2] I came forth with generosity and vulnerability and dropping my defenses - I could have killed the budding relationship with my wife multiple times if I can continued in old patterns of habit

[3] I accepted cause and effect, and I accepted the world on the world's own terms and I dropped the idea that I "deserved" something

[4] I got more realistic about the kinds of relationships that were possible for me to have

[5] I developed myself so I was a less needy soul, and I had some resources to draw upon to be able to give in a relationship

These would be the things I would communicate to my younger self. They could very well be garbage ideas, I don't know, I don't have the benefit of actually having a time-machine and performing the experiment.

I don't want to lecture you because you are the expert on your own experience. I just hope I can be honest. Please take care, all the best to you.

[cyanidebreathmint]

Thank you both.

What do 1, and 5 mean in practice manuelmoe?

[cyanidebreathmint]

Feel free to lecture me, either it won't apply to me, i'll get mad, or learn something.

[oak]

Hello!

I didn't have my first real girlfriend until 30. I went on zero dates for a five year stretch in my mid 20s.

Today, at 37, I am something of a rake.

At 29 I realized my romantic life was broken, so I took a ruthless look at my behavior.

I realized nothing I tried worked, so I consulted experts:

I read every dating book I could find: meant for men, meant for women, whatever.

If the book said to do x, I did x. I didn't do a, b, or c: I did x.

I read all of the books, and I was so desperate that I took what I could from each, even if it was one idea. I couldn't afford to reject any advice.

I also couldn't reject someone who was interested in me just because she didn't meet some "standard" I made up. I met some amazing women who weren't my type.

It certainly is possible to turn a situation like yours around. For me I had to:

1. Listen to people who were experts
2. Doing what they said to do, even if I didn't want to (at first)
3. Forget my "standards", especially since I wasn't perfect
4. Ruthlessly examine myself periodically to make sure I wasn't stagnating.

There is hope. There is success, and it is on the far side of action.

But it is worth it.

[cyanidebreathmint]

cpa85, I'm sorry that happened with you and your girlfriend. I feel like having to go through those issues alone, at a crucial time, just kind of crushed my chances in some ways. It's really hard when you don't really understand what's happening to you.

[cyanidebreathmint]

Did you find that potential partners were unforgiving about a lack of experience?

[cyanidebreathmint]

Thanks, oak. That seems like a really practical approach, actually. Plus, books aren't so scary. heh

[cpa85]

Did you find that potential partners were unforgiving about a lack of experience?

Well that's certainly the fear, but I haven't really had any "potential partners" since then.