Trying to break the cycle of short lived relationships

[drzdude]

I am having a difficult time with initiating healthy relationships. Relationships are scary and I have trouble trusting people. Once I do let someone in they are in but I still feel very insecure from time to time. I know there is no perfect person out there but I worry a better one will come along and if I am in a relationship I will miss out because I am unavailable. I think I am over concerned with hurting the person I am in a relationship with.

So I end up doing 1 of 2 things. I date women who are not that interested in me who pursue me. Since they are not that interested in me the relationships tend to be brief and fail. This way I don't feel responsible for their emotions and feelings. I get hurt and I stay alone. I don't have to assert what I really want. These relationships are disastrous.

The other scenario is I befriend a woman and think of her like a girlfriend. We may or may not have a physical relationship. The relationship is very grey and undefined. The woman knows this and doesn't stick around very long because she doesn't feel like I am able to commit or am not that interested in her. In my mind I am on the fence with expressing interest because I have doubts the relationship will work. Part of me feels all relationships will eventually fail and I don't want to deal with that slippery fish.

I met a girl a couple months ago named Stephanie. She is pretty but a little bit bigger because of this I have not pursued a physical relationship with her. After a few weeks of spending time with her I told her I just wanted to be friends. Since then we have spent a significant amount of time together and I have grown fond of her. I like her and feel invested in her as a friend and maybe more. She on the other hand seems to be distancing herself greatly from me. I think she has given up on me and doesn't seem to be interested in anything anymore. Damn how I wish things were easy and less complicated.