Relationship epiphany
Posted: December 26th, 2014, 6:24 pm
I haven't posted in this forum in for frickin' ever, but I just had an epiphony and couldn't think of a better place to share it and hopefully get some feedback.
Well, maybe not quite an epiphony. More of an epiphonic question. Is that a thing? Maybe it needs an answer to be a true epiphony, and I don't have that yet. Anyway...
I've been saying for years that I don't do "serious relationships," because I've tried them in the past and they've all ended horribly, and eventually I just gave up. With only one exception, I remember everyone I refer to as an "ex-girlfriend" as a horrible human being whom I wish I'd never met. They were all manipulative pathological liars who cared only about what they could get from me, and my life would have been better if I'd never met them.
So, friendship-with-benefits became my prefered relationship style, and has been ever since. And I remember all my ex-friends-with-benefits fondly and still stay in contact with some of them. I cherish the memories of the time I spent with them. They were all wonderful, sweet, kind women who genuinely cared about me and demonstrated it in ways that can't be faked.
And so, I've come to see "serious relationships" as a model that just doesn't work for me, and "friends-with-benefits" as a model that does, and I've spent most of the last decade embracing that. But what if it's not the relevant distinction? Because there may be something else at play here that seems obvious now that I've thought of it: Psychological maturity. Both my own and that of the women in my date-able age bracket. All my terrible "serious relationships" that ended horribly were in my 20s, and all my awesome friendships-with-benefits that I remember fondly were in my 30s. It's a pretty safe bet that my own psychological maturity has changed for the better in that time, and I'm sleeping with a more mature demographic of women than I did in my youth. Maybe that's why relationships feel more healthy and fulfilling. Maybe I'd do just fine with a "serious relationship" at this point in my life, if I allowed myself to get into one.
Which is a scary thought, because I've spent so many years thinking of myself as "not a serious relationship kind of guy" that it's become part of my identity.
Well, maybe not quite an epiphony. More of an epiphonic question. Is that a thing? Maybe it needs an answer to be a true epiphony, and I don't have that yet. Anyway...
I've been saying for years that I don't do "serious relationships," because I've tried them in the past and they've all ended horribly, and eventually I just gave up. With only one exception, I remember everyone I refer to as an "ex-girlfriend" as a horrible human being whom I wish I'd never met. They were all manipulative pathological liars who cared only about what they could get from me, and my life would have been better if I'd never met them.
So, friendship-with-benefits became my prefered relationship style, and has been ever since. And I remember all my ex-friends-with-benefits fondly and still stay in contact with some of them. I cherish the memories of the time I spent with them. They were all wonderful, sweet, kind women who genuinely cared about me and demonstrated it in ways that can't be faked.
And so, I've come to see "serious relationships" as a model that just doesn't work for me, and "friends-with-benefits" as a model that does, and I've spent most of the last decade embracing that. But what if it's not the relevant distinction? Because there may be something else at play here that seems obvious now that I've thought of it: Psychological maturity. Both my own and that of the women in my date-able age bracket. All my terrible "serious relationships" that ended horribly were in my 20s, and all my awesome friendships-with-benefits that I remember fondly were in my 30s. It's a pretty safe bet that my own psychological maturity has changed for the better in that time, and I'm sleeping with a more mature demographic of women than I did in my youth. Maybe that's why relationships feel more healthy and fulfilling. Maybe I'd do just fine with a "serious relationship" at this point in my life, if I allowed myself to get into one.
Which is a scary thought, because I've spent so many years thinking of myself as "not a serious relationship kind of guy" that it's become part of my identity.
