YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I had a realization a few weeks ago that I have a bad habit of coming on too strong when I'm interested in someone romantically. It's been an ongoing problem, most notably towards a guy I was mildly obsessed with in high school. I asked him out about once a month despite repeated nos, based my extracurriculars around his interests, and even slipped notes in his locker (which, P.S. is not as cute as it sounds). I feel extremely guilty about it today, and I'm trying my hardest to break the cycle.

I've finally allowed myself to get back in the dating pool, and I'm having trouble finding the balance between coming on too strong and not coming on at all. I second-guess myself a lot, and it winds up paralyzing me in dating. I am so worried that I'm being "crazy" by going after people I'm interested in. Or, worse, that I'm being a crazy stalker who can't take a hint. I'm looking for advice or commiseration or something.

Example: I have a crush on a friend, and I'm pretty sure I've made it clear that I like him. I'm pretty sure he's not interested in me romantically or sexually. So I've stopped hitting on him, but I do still invite him to things and try to remain friendly. I do still like him, though, so I'll be a little flirty when we hang out. I hung out with mutual friends this weekend, and he didn't show. I also invited him to an unrelated event and he declined. I'm just really worried that I'm still not laying off enough and that I've turned back into the crazy bitch who he sees as stalking.

So, basically, what can I do to ensure that I'm not being crazy while still making my wants and needs known?

Thanks for posting. I appreciate your willingness to express yourself!

Caveat: everything I post below will be sadly heteronormative, gender binary, and grossly dated and regressive. That being said, it is also what I actually experience as a straight guy who occasionally gets flirted with.

First up, I encourage you to give yourself a little grace regarding your behavior in high school. I encourage you to make peace with yourself, however that works best for you.

Okay, for the regressive advice.

I suggest you:

1. Send all the classic, time-tested signals that were ancient when the first woman tried to attract the first man. You know all the classics: touching your hair, leaning over, laughing just a bit too much at something he says, touching his forearm.

A together, interested man will see these signals and respond. An oblivious man will never notice any of them.

2. Failing these honored signals, I feel reprehensible in suggesting the hot/cold game. Don't invite him out next time, and be sure that word of the good time had by all (except him) gets back to him. Having his buddies communicate this is particularly effective.

3. Above all, be sure he sees you talking to other men. The old jealousy plotline.

Much of the above comes from several reviled (but I've got to admit, effective) books. Particularly "The Art of Seduction" and "The Rules".

To offer one perspective on your last question, you can make your wants and desires known. In fact, that is awesome and brave for you to do! I totally suggest it! Go for it!

The risk you face is rejection. Oh how rejection hurts. It is the bedrock of the game of love, taking that chance.

Here is what I suggest you do: go on dates with ten of the next decent men who invite you out. If any guy isn't dangerous (trust your intuition) or completely reprehensible (other than hygiene issues, I encourage an expansive spirit), go on a second date with him.

After going on dates with ten different men, review if this original guy is so special. If yes, word will have gotten back to him about your high value. If not, you found at least one new man who is already pre-disposed to be attracted to you.

All this is just my two cents! Feel free to take or leave any or all of it. Good luck.

I agree with Oak about going on the dates! Also, I think it's great that you "go for it". I was always too shy. Just keep being yourself, I would say! Also, I would say, you could develop a few questions where you ask a certain question and if you don't agree with his answer, just make a mental note that he didn't meet your standard then you can take him down a notch (only in your head) if he doesn't reciprocate. When I say this I mean something lighthearted. I always used to find out what guys thought of Steve Martin. People usually love him or "don't get him". I would make a mental note that they don't get Steve Martin and I could talk myself out of REALLY liking some guy (who didn't like me back). Of course you can think of your own questions. It's late, so sorry if I am not making clear sense. Good luck and enjoy every minute of your single life!

I bet you could go back to school and ask the people/guys who got your notes how it felt. I can just about promise they will tell me how it felt with a smile on their face, and say it felt good.

I've been married for a lot of years, almost 26. Going back to High School it was a place where we learned surprisingly little about academics, but developed our social skills.

I also know I spent a ton of time, like you, trying to force relationships that just were not there.

Once I met my wife, there really was not any of that. It just worked, with very little effort.

It was crazy. Once I realized I was ok, on my own, I started meeting girls that liked me.