YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

First off, I'd like to say hello to the community. Awhile back the podcast caught my attention when Ashly Burch was a featured guest, and it always stuck with me. I love the idea behind the website and now I hope to benefit from it here...

To begin,
My friend and I have been through everything. Setting that aside, me and him are perfectly okay and he's very grateful for the way I've been reacting to this whole situation. They've been dating now for around 8-9 months. Before, I had only considered this girl as a friend. She was just a cool and funny person to talk to. Fast forward to not only 3-4 days ago... She decides that she wants to come over and hang-out for once since she's never been the social type either, and we hung out for awhile, had fun and talked about anything and everything. There seemed to be a connection, a certain bond building. The problem was, I never thought of it as a romantic one until 2 days ago... After hanging out a couple more times in the past few days, she calls me up and confesses. She'd been thinking about me ever since, she found that we just got along in a way that's rare to find. She was very open about everything, and let nothing go unsaid. She "wishes she could have two hearts to love (my friend) and me, but she can't.) Everything I said with her clicked, and it all felt right. I was giving her advice on problems that she was having left and right, and it was all working.

Things just got progressively worse that day...
After the eventful and heartwarming conversation I had with her, I call up my friend to talk about it. She had told him about the feelings for me, and how we all know her and I are not capable of hurting each other, we're extremely loyal and I feel like after what happened, it's been proven. Me and him are on the same level with everything, I'm actually very happy for them, and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. The problem arises only an hour later when I get another call from her. This time, she's asking for help.

My friend lives 15-20 miles out of town, and had no way of getting a ride for her to stay over at his house. She'd just been kicked out of her house, and was going to be sent to another family member's place to live for the time being. Long story short, her family is nuts. Regardless, the last thing she wanted to do was stay another night at her house. So here I am, 10 o'clock at night driving down to her place to pick her up, and take her home. The night starts off just fine, we talk some more as we always do, she needed to calm down after the day she'd had. As the night progresses there's no sign of us stopping, we stayed up until 6 am the next morning, discussing this whole situation and how it's worked out. We finally fell asleep after a long night. Her and I both went on and on about how similar we are, and complemented each other constantly. Sadly, I had to wake up at 10 this morning to work, so I ended up getting very little sleep. The only thing I was able to do before she left during the day while I was gone was hug her.

For clarification, I've only talked to this girl for a handful of hours. And in that time I've created a bond that took years and years to build with my best friend. She feels like something between us was meant to be, friendship or not. She felt like it was getting worse as well, and she had already had thought about me and her together... The only problem here now is, she also cares about, and loves my best friend to death, as she should. They've grown strong together and I can't say that I would want it any other way...She feels the same, and in the end we've all clarified everything. The problem arises here...

I'm still hurt, extremely hurt. I've never been a depressing type of person before, and I didn't plan on starting now, but it's really really affecting me. I finally feel like I've met a girl that wouldn't miss-treat me and not only wouldn't judge me for who I am, but love me for who I am. And she truly does... We both know it was meant to be. My mind has been running all day and I cannot stop thinking about it... I can't do or think of anything else except of what had happened this weekend. I feel more sad than I ever have in my life, because my best friend, the only friend who I can honestly appreciate on a deep level has the girl of my dreams. Now I'm left here, feeling more lonely than I ever have in my life. I've dated girls in the past and it was never the same. I had always wished that one day I would be able to find the one that was truly for me, and I really did, except now she's here, and completely out of my reach... I can't do anything with her. I've accepted the fact that it may never work out, but I really have no idea how to cope with this. I've lost ambition to do anything at the moment and I all I feel like doing is crying.

I realize after reading over what I wrote, I'm still in the moment. I'm still feeling the fresh wound from being so close and being pushed back...

There's another girl that likes me, and recently broke up with her boyfriend. The only problem is I'm not really feeling the same way about her. Me and her have also known each other for awhile, but it already doesn't seem like me and her have that next level connection my "soulmate" has. I wouldn't expect that of anyone, but at the moment I can't even feel happy for a small window of opportunity towards a brighter future. I've been single for awhile, and it's defiantly taken a toll on how I feel about relationships in general. I want to be happy that I might be able to get with this girl, who I admit, I can actually see me and her having some sort of connection, but it's never going to be the same... I'm stuck...

I want to thank whoever responds to this, I realize this whole post is in shambles and hard to understand. But at the moment, I just really need someone to talk to, and right now I haven't been able to get a hold of anyone.

I didn't think it was possible....

I went to see the other girl today, after waking up this morning I had come to terms that I would have to try with her. I asked her how the situation panned out for her, and she said she met another guy at a party this weekend. She says he's really sweet and they're liking each other a lot...

How?
How did my one fucking chance of getting out of this just slip away. It doesn't matter what I tell her now, she's already trying with another guy. Even if I told her everything, she'd only be choosing me out of pity... She told me to lighten up, and just go home and drink my problems away. I thought better of her too... I didn't think she'd be that fucking stupid to say something like that, let alone just brush off how I was feeling and tell me to get over it. I don't even feel upset right now, I don't think I can comprehend this level of sadness... I really don't. I have no idea what to do now, I was thinking positively about this whole thing and it just gets thrown back down AGAIN.

I can't even feel sad right now, I can't feel anything. I don't know what the fuck to do.. :/

I feel for what you are going through.

The one thing I never knew when I was young, and still struggle with now, if that each day is like a partially completed book. We get handed one page, we stack it on top of the old one, and that becomes the past, and builds a book...

You and I can scream, cry, and wish all we want and tomorrows page wont arrive until tomorrow.

Try this. Shut off emotion, worry, and all that stuff for just one minute. Lets be logical.

Grab a calendar, and go back one year. At this date, last year, could you have imagined yourself going through what you are now? For me, no way.

So, if this is true, its probable that we cant predict where we will be one year from now, right?

With that in mind, this soulmate thing. When its real, not only will you KNOW, there wont be one thing you can do to stop it. There wont be any mistake, choice, option, or event you can do to stop it...it just happens.

I was sitting on a booth one afternoon. Bitching to a friend about my two girlfriends. I was really ready to commit to the one....AND...

Out of fucking nowhere, some girl leans over the booth edge and says, Your such a dick!..she rolled her eyes at me, and went back to her math book...

To make along story short, I married her two and a half years later, and we've been together for the last 26 years.I'm not even 100% sure of the names of the other girls I was soooo interested in.

Yes, she still says I'm a dick.

So, my LIFE changed, and a real chapter completed in about 5 seconds.

If your living it, and participating, it will happen.

Damn... now I want to find me a girl, that thinks I'm a dick.

I've never been great at the dating or relationship game, so I know better than to offer those annoying words of wisdom such as: "Fish in the sea" and "Time will heal" yadda yadda yadda, but I feel like there's maybe so much at stake than instead of having fun dating, it becomes all or nothing, which can put a lot of pressure on both yourself and on the girls.

I remember those mini-episodes Paul did with Guy Winch on rejection or loneliness, where he said something about social skills being like muscles and if you don't use them, they atrophy. That if you want to get better in social situations, job interviews or dating, you might want to start practicing, instead of going straight for the job/girl you want the most. I've been struggling just with the basics of social interactions, so I haven't even dared to think of what's going to happen, when I start dating again, but when I'm ready, I think, I'll use the practicing mindset there too. If you practice, you don't have to be perfect and the relationship you seek doesn't have to be perfect either. A perfect soulmate is wonderful, but it's also scary and stressful.

Wow! Someone commented!

This is getting worse and worse by the moment..

Also thanks again for the input, it's actually helping and me reading this gives me some hope. Especially you rc409!

My "soulmate" called me again today. She asked me how I was doing after what happened today, and I told her about everything and how it's all panning out and, god damnit this girl is testing every part of me.

We stopped talking after I explained what happened and she feels bad, but there's nothing that can be done about it.

She then messages me
"Couldn't say this on the phone, but my feelings for you are definitely growing. Fast. And I don't know what to do about it, I feel guilty and confused and my heart is torn in two.

I can't stop thinking about you! Why can't I stop thinking about you!? I'm not supposed to do that. I'm stuck between what I want and what I have. Me and (my best friend) are in the process of reconnecting, but there's a huge part of me that can't stop feeling the way I do about you. I need to stuff it, but...yeah...I don't know. I'm trying. But what if? What if me and (my friend) was supposed to lead me to you? What if its supposed to be (me) and (her)? What if this and what if that, I don't know I just keep thinking things that make me feel guilty and excited all at once.

I love (him) though, I love him so much. But if I really loved him that much how could I be falling for you too? Feelings, man. Feelings happen. And they are confusing and wonderful as hell. (My friend) has my whole heart. What's meant to happen will happen. I just don't know if that bad side of me is patient enough to figure out what's right and what's wrong. And I feel like a terrible person because of it."

My friend, who lives in Utah, me this wife on a New York City subway. For whatever reason, they met, talked, and exchanged phone numbers between three subway stops.

Start thinking about that for a moment. How fate, timing, or whatever you call it had to line up for that to happen.

OR....

We are somehow programmed to think there is one, and one only persons in this earth who will love us. Maybe thats really not true? Maybe there are thousands who could possibly end up being THE one?

Either way, I get this feeling like you are going to be just fine.