YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

How do you know when to break up with someone? How do you know enough is enough? How do you know when that is the healthier option for you?

My boyfriend struggles with anxiety, depression, and anger. Also honesty... which is one of my biggest issues. You can have all kinds of problems as long as you are honest about them, I have a ton of patience and loyalty. But I struggle when my entire reality is being altered by someone who lies. Anyone get this way about lying?

I am also anxious, self-"diagnosed" with sensory processing sensitivity (I put that in quotes because technically it's a trait), and have control and trust issues. I also struggle with catastrophic and paranoid thinking.

When we talk it feels like he tries to minimize his problems. He's tired of feeling like I think the way he "copes" (or doesn't) isn't good enough. He almost attempted suicide a week ago and it felt like he tried to play it off as an isolated incident, not indicative of underlying issues. He approaches his self-care with self-medicating using alcohol and prescribed medicine for anxiety. He says he is going to go to the doctor and get a referral for a counselor, but I am no stranger to people with depression and I know that you have to clear A LOT of obstacles before actually getting help. This could be a long road. But I don't want him to get better just for me, because that's not healthy, right? And I want to be there in his time of need. I love him and want to be with him in general.

So anyway, how do I know I'm done? Where is the line?????

A lot of people you might choose to go into a relationship with will have problems; problems that are going to undermine, scramble, hurt and confuse you. I guess the question is, are they problems brought with them or, are they involving you now as fuel in their problems, intentionally? If it's the latter, you might be done. If not, relationships are not about what goes wrong; they're about whether you can sort it out between the two of you afterwards. Negotiation, shared decisions; can you engage each other in negotiating a shared experience for both of you? Lying could indicate he's trying to reclaim his privacy; but it may be something he's had to do in the past without being conscious of the need. If you can negotiate with the other around what is a healthy level of privacy to give each other, that's a step on the right road. It might require each taking responsibility for their own healthcare but, if you can negotiate at that level and given time, well. Welcome.

You've given me a bit think about. Thank you.