YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi Everyone, I'm looking for advice. This is a scenario that plays out in different ways with my partner. Here is the latest version:

I bought some apricots, put them in a bowl on the counter and have been having one every day or so. I noticed I was the only one eating them. I asked my partner, don't you like apricots anymore, and their reply was "I know you like them, so I left them for you". I find this so irritating, this presumption that I need to be pleased and catered to. I explained to them again that food is our house is for everyone and that if I want more, I can simply buy more.

It also happens fairly regularly when I ask, what do you want to do tonight? I can see that they're trying to figure out what I want to do, seemingly unable to access their own desires.

My reaction is anger, irritation because it's so hard to deal with someone who isn't being honest. Can someone help me find the compassionate response here?
Heather

Hey!

Thanks for posting. I'm glad you did.

Two thoughts to consider:

1. Having lived with someone else, I can understand what, and how, someone eats can be fury-creating. Just rage, of long-simmering resentment

2. Like with all things, I encourage you to give yourself a little grace and patience: these are times of unparalleled trouble. We've never lived through a pandemic and resulting quarantine, so the reality you are living right now is the best you can do. There is no other reality, if that makes sense.

Still, goodness do I understand your frustration. Food is a very emotional issue.

I don't know if I can offer anything other than a view from the irritating person who leaves the apricot. I do leave things for my partner that I know she enjoys. I consider it one of my biggest missions in life to give my partner whatever kind of life I can give her. I cannot offer much, but if I know that there is some small thing that brings her joy then I want her to have that moment of joy. As irritating as it may be I am attempting to be nice. It also probably stems from being brought being told I was selfish all the time, so I have a problem looking out for my own needs because the inner voice is telling me I'm selfish.
I also put it on her to decide what is for dinner every night. I am unable to access my own desires. This is a me thing. I am full of self hatred and don't really believe I deserve to have desires.
I have probably hijacked your post again. Sorry.
All I would say is that as irritating as this is to you, your partner probably means well. I don't know how the two of you manage to balance these things out.

I suggest saying, “I bought apricots. They’re delicious but you definitely can’t have any; that is, unless you give me something equal in trade.”

Or, “I’m going out tonight by myself to do something super-fun. You can come but just don’t get in the way. If you do decide you want to tag along, you have to decide what we eat, whether I like it or not.”

Unfortunately, ‘we’ is a separate, connected entity from you or I. So in order not to encroach on or drag up the shit of you and I, you’ve got to put attention into negotiating for and in we-time.

What do you want to do, I thought you might want, and incidentally, what do we want are not negotiations. I don’t know, I guess you need to assume you never know what we want until you’ve gotten practice negotiating in different moments. Negotiate. We wants to negotiate. Endlessly and over and over.

I guess the thing is, Brownblob, that for me half the joy is in the sharing. Like if you go somewhere with a beautiful view and you have someone there to say "Wow" to and they say "Yeah".
(I don't want to suggest this is true for you and your partner. She may greatly appreciate your gesture. I think there's something to the Love Languages idea.)
It's just a real misfire for him to think he's doing something nice for me and it's actually making me irritated. It seems to be important to him, so I have to find a way to be gracious, when it feels like he is robbing me of joy and connection.

Beany Boo, can you explain further? I'm not sure I understand.
Oak, it runs through everything, not just food. He wants to please, I don't like the feeling of being treated like I'm more important.

People don’t like to be offered food in certain ways. Being asked what you want to do tonight can be triggering. For them to say so requires a conversation with a level of intimacy you need to negotiate your way into; a vulnerable ‘us’.

Their resistance may indeed be part of a negotiation; to take a step back, to find a comfortable position.

Heather,
There are times when I irritate her doing things like this. With me, part of it is also my self hatred. I don't believe I deserve nice things or joy.

Hello Heather,

On the face of it, it seems like it should be easy to discuss and resolve with your partner. (But we know things are usually a lot harder than that, right? )

If you've tried, I imagine you get push back or non-commital response or something?

This seems a bit familiar to me, and could be some mix of anxiety and indecision.

Does some kind of co-dependence on their part apply here?
(Haven't dug down, but I think I may have a bit of this myself...)

Regards
SD

Thanks for all the replies. Each and everyone has been helpful. Some thoughts:

It's helpful to see in writing that I believe he's doing this to me. He's really not.

We did a special thing we do from time to time where we drive to a distant town to go to the best bakery and the best coffee shop. We indulge in one treat to have with coffee, and one to go home, each. He surprised me by not getting a choc croissant, his must have. I decided to get one as my take home treat. As he was going into the best coffee place, he turned to me and said "I'll have my choc croissant with coffee". I playfully said "your croissant?" and we laughed as he knew I would happily give him that because it makes him happy. So this thing does work both ways.

A reminder that I cannot make him, or anyone, see that they deserve the best the world has to offer them.

Intrigued by Boo's concept of the "we" as separate from me and him. (Or my interpretation of Boo's concept). The separate negotiations required for the We. Will let that roll around a bit.

Sometimes I am mean and I think the majority of the time it's because I think someone is taking something from me, or making a statement about me.