How I Continue to Struggle with Recovery in Relationship

[TonyM_Guest]

Despite feeling like I had a decent amount of recovery under my belt when I had my appearance on the show, the past year -- particularly the time in stay-at-home due to COVID-19 -- has produced so much more recovery. As part of this recovery I've started attending a new 12-step fellowship that really helps me work on (what I now know are) my real root issues. Even in the past couple of weeks, speaking with my sponsor on a regular basis and openly sharing about a lot of the traumas of my family of origin (some of which I got into on my episode but there was a lot more I didn't get a chance to talk about with Paul) has allowed me to really start making progress. I've also made some significant progress with my therapist. And, I've finally found a philosophical/spiritual practice that resonates with me in the form of secular Buddhism.

So, now I'm at a place where I am much more comfortable setting boundaries. What I'm not good at is feeling in my body that setting and maintaining them is the "right thing" to do. I know that I'm not being "childish" or "petulant." I know what is healthy for me and I am generally okay with saying it openly. Still, I am running into situations with my partner where she doesn't "like" me setting boundaries and treats me like I'm being "childish" or "petulant." For example, a situation resonating because it happened today is that I expressed that I was upset about something she had done. She immediately began to explain her side of it and I must have had some kind of expression on my face (inside I was feeling invalidated) because she said "Well, can't I explain my side of thing?" I said "no, because I just wanted to express how I was feeling." After I said this, she got really quiet and just went about the rest of her morning routine without talking to me (the cold shoulder treatment). In the past she has said that she clams up like this because she says "obviously she can't do anything right and will just upset me" and turns things back around on me. I felt devastated on the inside because that codependent part of my brain felt like I had "destroyed everything" and that I am the source of everything wrong in our relationship dynamic. A few minutes later, though, the part of me with recovery was quite proud that I had spoken my truth and set that boundary. I wanted my truth to be heard without being justified away. I am trying to string more of those moments together on a daily basis.

This up and down is constant with me. A never-ending cycle every day of me trying to use what I've learned in therapy or program and then having strong push back on it from my partner. I am trying to be "in my power" and speak my truth but it is really difficult when the one person whose opinion means more to me than just about anyone else invalidates and steamrolls me. I guess that goes back to having a strong relationship with self and I know that I certainly have more work to do there.

I hope this resonates with someone else. I am a little concerned that this is coming across as "therapy" which is not what I'm trying to do. I am just trying to put out some truth about a daily struggle I have in case someone else resonates with it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, it is weird how mental progress accelerates; recent breakthroughs blow older breakthroughs out of the water measured by significance. I have been on this metal work train for 25 years since the age of 25, and breakthroughs that I had in the past few months put decades of metal work to shame.

I wanted my truth to be heard without being justified away. I am trying to string more of those moments together on a daily basis.

Powerful stuff

Live your truth. It is difficult for many reasons - but it is so worthwhile _because_ it is difficult.

People prefer a familiar dysfunction to a healthy change, just because people hate change so much.

I am really proud of you, Tony.

[TonyM_Guest]

Thanks, MMG. This means a lot to me. I see you as one of the "elder statesmen" of these boards so your thoughts mean a great deal to me.

I think one of the things that is most frustrating to me is that after these types of interactions I turn every negative in my own internal self-directed talk. I get very down on myself and then this builds into frustration which I sometimes (used to be often) lash out at others later. I am not proud of this pattern. It is certainly not all the time so I guess I should remember that the focus is on progress, not perfection.

[manuel_moe_g]

I think one of the things that is most frustrating to me is that after these types of interactions I turn every negative in my own internal self-directed talk. I get very down on myself and then this builds into frustration which I sometimes (used to be often) lash out at others later.

I know what you mean. This was especially my pattern in my college days, when I was consumed with very angry self-hatred and shame at who I was.

Even now it can take me several days to process a negative relationship communication. I have to turn up the self-compassion and self-forgiveness big-time, because I only have recent history using these two tools.

It is certainly not all the time so I guess I should remember that the focus is on progress, not perfection.

This is a good reminder.

[Beany Boo]

You’ve started taking your turn to have your emotional response more fully. That’s created a rupture that your partner wants to repair immediately, and can’t.

You’re getting it wrong. She’s getting it wrong. It feels like the only opportunity to get it right.

Just repair the rupture.

Then later, let her have a turn (she says how she feels without you explaining your side, but somehow you hold the space for her for a while). Set up and get into the swing of that cycle - your turn, her turn. And the idea that there are countless chances to tinker with the way you share feelings between you’s; no more getting it right first time once.

And in the midst of that cycle, there will be rupture and repair.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Tony, this sounds like you're doing fantastic. It's going to take time for those around you to realize you mean what you say. Just keep reinforcing.
I am a recovered "silent treatment" giver. I learned it from my parents, and it took some time to realize it wasn't getting me anything but stuck in anger.
Heather