Self-Compassion and Self Forgiveness
Posted: November 4th, 2020, 7:12 am
So, I imagine that many people had a similar day to myself yesterday. Watching election results come in apparently triggered some low-lying anxiety in me that I was not consciously aware of. In retrospect, I think I was also feeling a bit "off" yesterday because the 2nd is my mother's birthday and there is still unresolved pain there.
In the midst of the evening with results coming in, my kiddo started asking some questions and I started losing my cool. I didn't even realize it at the time. Then, my kiddo and my wife had a tense interaction and I tried to help them cool it down but all that happened was that things escalated wildly. Eventually, I felt like both of them turned on me and I lost my temper. I lashed out at both of them and said very hurtful things. Everyone in the family ended up crying. It was not good at all. I did what I typically do and I turned in on myself and started my cycle of self-loathing. Eventually I went to bed.
When I awoke, I meditated like normal but I feel myself really pre-occupied with how disappointed I am in my behavior. this is particularly hurting me right now because I am trying to follow a Buddhist path and be a lay practitioner of that spiritual tradition. I feel like I really fell off the wagon.
I have apologized (multiple times) to everyone involved. I _do_ feel a bit like I want some apologies from them for their part in the situation but I'm trying not to "take their inventory" and focus solely on myself. I think I've made enough amends for my own actions but I'm now stuck in that pit at the bottom of a "bad" situation where I know only time will relieve the pain.
Just putting this out there in the community so that it doesn't stay bottled up and perhaps it might help someone else in a similar situation feel less alone.
In the midst of the evening with results coming in, my kiddo started asking some questions and I started losing my cool. I didn't even realize it at the time. Then, my kiddo and my wife had a tense interaction and I tried to help them cool it down but all that happened was that things escalated wildly. Eventually, I felt like both of them turned on me and I lost my temper. I lashed out at both of them and said very hurtful things. Everyone in the family ended up crying. It was not good at all. I did what I typically do and I turned in on myself and started my cycle of self-loathing. Eventually I went to bed.
When I awoke, I meditated like normal but I feel myself really pre-occupied with how disappointed I am in my behavior. this is particularly hurting me right now because I am trying to follow a Buddhist path and be a lay practitioner of that spiritual tradition. I feel like I really fell off the wagon.
I have apologized (multiple times) to everyone involved. I _do_ feel a bit like I want some apologies from them for their part in the situation but I'm trying not to "take their inventory" and focus solely on myself. I think I've made enough amends for my own actions but I'm now stuck in that pit at the bottom of a "bad" situation where I know only time will relieve the pain.
Just putting this out there in the community so that it doesn't stay bottled up and perhaps it might help someone else in a similar situation feel less alone.