YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi! I'm new to the forum so hopefully I'm doing this right.
Just thought I'd post to see if anyone has similar issues in maintaining healthy relationships because as much as I logically know that I am not doing the right things, I find (particularly) romantic relationships very challenging.
All of my past relationships have been very tumultuous and dramatic - which probably has something to do with my insecurity and anger/defensiveness related to this. I have also historically put myself into some pretty dangerous situations and have been sexually assaulted in the past which I hadn't considered as traumatic until recently, because at the time I was drinking and doing drugs quite frequently and not at all self aware.

I've been in a relationship for 3 years now and it's the first one where I've really wanted to try to make it work and thought it could be for the long haul. Others I think I always subconsciously knew were just too toxic.
However, this is all relative. I haven't spoken with any friends or even a therapist about a lot of what goes on in our relationship because I know some of it is toxic and I feel shame around this.

One of the major issues that keeps coming up is that my boyfriend feels unloved or unwanted because I do not want to have sex with him very often. I did in the beginning of our relationship, and I am not sure exactly what it is that has affected my sex drive but I have a suspicion that it may be because I don't feel as comfortable being fully exposed around him because we do argue quite a lot and sex for me is very intimate and emotional. I think he can easily disconnect from this - if we've had a fight he's still up for it, and he also thinks that some of the reason that we do fight is because of a lack of intimacy. I love him a lot but I am becoming tired of the drama as our arguments escalate very quickly. I think this is a fault of both of ours - I can be 'naggy' and critical of him quite frequently around things like cleaning the home and sometimes I think he reaches a threshold and will become explosive. I myself have a temper and I am very sensitive so then it just kind of spirals from there, us both saying pretty cruel things that we typically regret. I know that I have attachment and anger issues especially around feeling unloved or rejected by my partner in these moments and I will sometimes feel out-of-body rage and break things (ie. a few months ago I smashed a window) and other really horrible inappropriate things.

I know all of this is probably seeming pretty red-flaggy to those reading but we are really trying to work on both being better with our emotional regulation and conflict resolution.
Sorry for the super long read but I felt it needed context for my actual question which is- how do I get past these insecurities to try to build intimacy and be open to having sex with my partner, because I know it hurts him and makes him feel that I do not love him or I am not attracted to him. I have tried explaining that I feel strange because we are in a weird emotional place right now but he still seems to take it personally.

Anyway- if you got through this wall of text and can relate or have any advice for me (hopefully not too harshly judging because I am aware I have a lot of issues to work on in being a better partner) I would really appreciate it.
Glad this community exists. Thanks in advance.

Human,
Hi it sounds like you have a lot to deal with. There is no quick fix. My advice would be to try talking to a therapist. You seem aware that you have flaws and are willing to take responsibility for your part in the relationship. This is a big step. Many people can't do this. Let go of the shame. Everybody is messed up in one way or another. Just try to work on yourself. The relationship may or may not make it, but I think becoming a healthier person will increase your chances of having a healthier relationship. Just my two cents.

Hello Humankind,

Welcome aboard! Here's my quick take.

Your post says a lot of positive things about you. You're self-aware, seem to understand the dynamics of the current relationship / situation, and you're trying to work together to improve things. Very good!

Why do you think things "escalate very quickly?" Do you think you're not being heard?

And once things escalate, it's hard to retreat. And it feels so much bigger than the original disagreement!
So..... how to break the pattern? How to stop and take a breather?

Do you think your partner really understands what you've related here? And does he understand how the emotional baggage you're carrying affects you..... and you, his?

We have different levels of tolerance for cleanliness & order, right? Have you discussed this together? Made it clear what's important to you in this regard, and what might be allowed to slide a bit?
Maybe make a punch list of things to be done bit by bit during the week so chores don't pile up?
In order of importance, and according to personal preference? (I love vacuuming, helps my allergies ) Maybe this sounds too stupidly simple, but maybe it would help....

These days are pretty stressful for everyone, so don't discount that part of things either.

Wishing you well, and keep posting if it helps!

Snoringdog

Hey - I really appreciate your response.

@snoringdog I think things escalate quickly because yes, I feel as though I'm not being heard and I take it quite personally (even though I know that our ideals are different when it comes to keeping up a home, and there could be other factors at play such as him having a bad day etc). We have talked about this and he believes that the state of the home is 'fine' and this is how he lives, and 'I knew that when I chose to move in'. Which I think is unfair because there does not to be compromise in a partnership. I also don't have a very high standard of cleanliness, I'm not a 'neat freak' by any means. I am just affected negatively when the house is very dirty as it exacerbates my depression/low mood when I walk around the house and there's crumbs all over and dishes filling the sink. I asked to make a chores list several times and he refused to take part in that. I hate the feeling of being disregarded, which I'm sure stems from insecurity and spirals into feeling generally unloved.

I think it's difficult because I say everything that is on my mind and I am very communicate whereas he is very shut off and never tells me if things are bothering him or if he's having a difficult time. Sometimes I can tell his mood is low and he will refuse to tell me why saying that he doesn't want to talk about it because there's no point and he'd rather forget about it and move on. I like to talk things through so it's very foreign to me. I feel as though if we could communicate around these things it would help with my empathy and not taking things so personally. He thinks I communicate too much and overthink things, so we have very different styles of communication in that way. I think I could do better with letting things go and not communicating every negative thing that has happened in my day. I also work in social services and experience a lot of vicarious death and trauma and he never wants to hear about it. I don't talk about it much because I understand that can be difficult for some people to hear, but I feel that he never entertains it. I don't think it's bad to be different but I think it's important to respect each other's differences, which I think we are struggling with.

@brownblob To clarify as well- I have spoken to several therapists but can't afford it at this time. I also tried .. ~5 different therapist and didn't feel I connected with any of them in a real way, spent a lot of money and genuinely do not feel that it helped. Exercise, meditation, and reading more into buddhist/yogic philosophy (which is free) has recently been much more beneficial to me. But to each his own! Thank you for your kind words.

On a positive note things have actually been better since I wrote this post, and we have been having sex more because I know how important it is to him (and I do genuinely enjoy it as well once I get over my anxieties and insecurities around it). We had a long talk very recently about how my sexual trauma has affected me and how I think I find things different/difficult with him because I've never had a relationship where sex isn't about power or control, and it is hard for me to be authentic. I believe he did understand me more after this. We had to take MDMA to have this conversation though - for the sake of transparency. I wish we could have open honest conversations without the aid of a substance.

Another long winded post but thank you SO much for responding. The advice around the to do list in priority order is helpful and I probably will do that- have been trying to organize my life to be less overwhelmed in general. Have a great day and you're both wonderful!

Hello Humankind,

Happy New Year. It's been awhile, and things are a bit hit-or-miss here.

(Please don't take any of these comments as criticisms, I can only respond to what you've posted)
The description of your interactions sounds so stereotypical when you think of it - the closed-off male, the over-emotive female. Almost something you'd think Paul could do a routine on, right?

Your partner sounds pretty depressed, and probably a bit defensive as a side effect. ("Don't bother me", "Everything is a burden", "It's too overwhelming" etc. I can relate to this, and also saw some of it in my father. He could be friendly & funny, but also stand-offish and peevish when he was in a mood).

Also understand the part about not wanting to talk about things that are bothering him. If conversation doesn't seem to help, you just get the feeling of wallowing, and that doesn't feel good. Also if you think you'll just be lectured somehow or made to feel inadequate...

Have you seen any of the interactions he has with family or friends? Could be illuminating. Also, what is his mental burden / struggle?

I can only imagine some of the things you deal with in your work, and it can be too much to have to absorb, especially for someone who's not regularly exposed, or may not have the mental preparation or tools to deal with such things...

Maybe when you want to talk about it - if you let him know that you need a bit of support from him by having him listen without having to *fix* anything (showing vulnerability on your part), and to set a time boundary on the discussion?

You've mentioned that things have improved a bit, which is great.
I don't have any experience with MDMA (as with any drug of this sort - please be careful), but if it can be used carefully as a temporary tool to make progress, that's good.

Not sure how to wrap this up, so there it is....

Be well.

SD