Abuse and Moving Forward

[CAS12]

My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years now. We are both PhD students with busy workloads. I have struggled with my mental health, particularly since the COVID lockdowns. I am anxious, in and out of depression, panic attacks are often, and now I am really struggling with anger issues and feelings of inadequacy. Through all of this, my partner has been extremely supportive. She sacrificed so much for me (time, energy, plans).

For some reason, I decide that an appropriate reaction to her expressing herself and looking for support is to try to solve her problems, talk about my experiences, or defend myself if she is feeling upset with me for some reason. Ultimately, I am not doing a good job respecting her side of things and supporting her through her struggles as she did for me. My previous behaviour would go something like this: once I am done defending myself or trying to solve problems and realize that it is only making her more upset, I start to hate myself. I call myself names, I have hit myself, I get so upset to the point where now the focus is on getting me to calm down and feel better. I usurp the interaction. I never consistently adjusted this behaviour, and now I am doing something far worse. I have become physically abusive. This started over a year ago and was infrequent. Now it is happening with most interactions that are difficult/conflicting. I am ashamed to admit this. Even one instance is unacceptable, and here I am repeating the behaviour.

What is wrong with me?! I am in therapy, but I only just admitted this behaviour to them last week. I certainly don’t do enough journalling or CBT practice. Does that mean I don’t care about changing this behaviour? I hate myself so much right now – how can I say I love someone and then turn around and hit them? I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I don’t want to hate myself anymore.

I desperately want to repair and move forward with her. I know it will take time. I know she is really hurt and angry with me – she makes that plainly clear and she has every reason to feel that way. In spite of that, she says she still loves me and cares deeply for me and wants to make this work. Only just the other day did we finally have one productive conversation after what has felt like an eternity where she felt supported and heard and that the focus was on her feelings. It felt great to do that, but it still took some arguing until we got to that point.

Am I a bad person? How can I move forward with her? What do I do about my abusive nature?

Thank you for reading if you made it this far

-C

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you for being deeply honest and taking accountability. You yourself maybe need to remove yourself from the relationship for a bit to seek deeper therapy and get to the source of your emotions. The relationship with her and yourself doesn’t just stop there, it’s the relationship between the people around you both and family.

Not an expert but there needs to be boundaries all round.

[snoringdog]

Hello CAS12,

Welcome to the boards. Here are a few thoughts-

My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years now. We are both PhD students with busy workloads.

SD – Congratulations to you both. That takes grit and determination. May I ask what your thesis might be?

I have struggled with my mental health, particularly since the COVID lockdowns.
I am anxious, in and out of depression, panic attacks are often, and now I am really struggling with anger issues and feelings of inadequacy.

SD - Covid has been tough on everyone. There were times I felt like the world was ending.

Through all of this, my partner has been extremely supportive. She sacrificed so much for me (time, energy, plans).

SD – Let her know that, and how much you appreciate it and her.

For some reason, I decide that an appropriate reaction to her expressing herself and looking for support is to try to solve her problems, talk about my experiences, or defend myself if she is feeling upset with me for some reason.

SD – That’s very typical, and is a well-meaning, but “man” thing. (That’s always my first response as well). Maybe you can ask something like “I’m here for you. How can I help? Do you just want me to listen, or are you looking for ideas?”

My previous behavior would go something like this: once I am done defending myself or trying to solve problems and realize that it is only making her more upset, I start to hate myself. I call myself names, I have hit myself, I get so upset to the point where now the focus is on getting me to calm down and feel better.

SD – Where do you think this anger and upset is coming from?

I usurp the interaction. I never consistently adjusted this behavior, and now I am doing something far worse.
I have become physically abusive. This started over a year ago and was infrequent. Now it is happening with most interactions that are difficult/conflicting.
I am ashamed to admit this. Even one instance is unacceptable, and here I am repeating the behavior.

SD – Admitting this is the first step toward change. Physical violence is never called for, and she would be well within her rights to walk away from the relationship.
Where did you learn this? Was your father or someone else abusive to you?
You need to make a serious promise to her to never do that again.

What is wrong with me?! I am in therapy, but I only just admitted this behavior to them last week. I certainly don’t do enough journaling or CBT practice. Does that mean I don’t care about changing this behavior? I hate myself so much right now – how can I say I love someone and then turn around and hit them? I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I don’t want to hate myself anymore.

SD – I’m sure you’re lashing out is due to your self-hatred, It’s like misplaced anger. This is surely something to start exploring within yourself, and with your therapist. It’s difficult, but try to pause and do a bit of breath work. Learn to say "I'm sorry, but I'd like to take a break, and we can talk about this later". Learn to walk away for a bit.

Only just the other day did we finally have one productive conversation after what has felt like an eternity where she felt supported and heard and that the focus was on her feelings. It felt great to do that, but it still took some arguing until we got to that point.

SD - Great! Again, congratulations. You’ve made a start.

A book I just found is called “The 5 Love Languages”.
Title sounds a little strange, but it describes the different ways that people say makes them feel loved. We need to identify and “speak” our partners love language, otherwise there’s miscommunication, just as with actual speech.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

• Words of affirmation (compliments)
  Quality time (together)
  Receiving gifts (not necessarily expensive)
  Acts of service (household chores, etc.)
  Physical touch

There are questionnaires to help determine which love languages you and your partner respond to.

Am I a bad person? How can I move forward with her? What do I do about my abusive nature?

SD – No, but you’ve let yourself lapse into a bad habit. You can do better!

Thank you for reading if you made it this far

SD - My pleasure. Wishing you both the best.

[CAS12]

Thank you, snoringdog. I appreciate the time you took in responding to my post.

SD - That’s very typical, and is a well-meaning, but “man” thing. (That’s always my first response as well). Maybe you can ask something like “I’m here for you. How can I help? Do you just want me to listen, or are you looking for ideas?”

Absolutely! I know about that approach, and it is something I need to work towards.

SD – Where do you think this anger and upset is coming from?

I am certain it comes from feeling inadequate, being a "pushover" in my childhood where I got nervous/anxious and would get myself into bad situations probably feeds into that. I also had a bad end to a relationship a few years back where I felt thrown aside while my then partner was doing what made her happy regardless of how I was feeling ignored. Mostly I feel like a bad person.

SD – Admitting this is the first step toward change. Physical violence is never called for, and she would be well within her rights to walk away from the relationship.
Where did you learn this? Was your father or someone else abusive to you?

My father would punch holes in walls, blow up in anger, hit himself (in the thigh usually) and shut down when he was upset. I see a lot of that in me. I never was hit by him, never saw him hit my siblings or my mother, and have no reason to think he did. I was told by my therapist that seeing someone punch walls is still a form of abuse because the fear of physical violence is there. So I guess I learned that from a young age.

You need to make a serious promise to her to never do that again.

SD – I’m sure you’re lashing out is due to your self-hatred, It’s like misplaced anger. This is surely something to start exploring within yourself, and with your therapist. It’s difficult, but try to pause and do a bit of breath work. Learn to say "I'm sorry, but I'd like to take a break, and we can talk about this later". Learn to walk away for a bit.

I know I need to make a serious promise to never do it again to my current partner (or any future partner, for that matter). It can be so overwhelming that I do not even know what I have done or am doing when I am in my biggest rage. It is scary. I know I can control myself if I really try hard with breath work, with acknowledging my hot feelings that are bubbling up in me, and calming down to a point where that behaviour is not going to happen. I have done it before, I can do it again, and I can find another way to express that anger than with physical violence towards her, myself, or my walls. Walking away is a great suggestion, as long as I communicate it as you write out.

Thank you for the book suggestion - I am familiar with the 5 Love Languages but not well versed. I will take a further look. And thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. You have given me a glimmer of hope.


Mental Fairy, thank you for your thought. Taking a break/step back from this relationship has been something I seriously considered but I become so scared at the thought of abandoning this relationship. At the same time, sometimes things aren't meant to be and we are better off otherwise. Ultimately, I have a lot of thinking to do, a lot of therapy to do, and a lot of growing and healing to do.