breaking patterns by staying...

[yolioceanic]

Objectively open to feedback.
This is probably the 3rd BPD relationship blog I'm on. All are wonderfully optimistic and help in the de-stigmatizing of BPD, PTSD and SED. So I'm PTSD and I love a BPD. He ended it in a email during my NC. 60 days ago. It went from 0 to 360 in a few days. AS it began, we believed it was always a very honest relationship. Lots of baggage but we seemed to be facing it bravely together. Wrought with so many rebound hurdles and small but significant victories; we remained resolute with many long pauses and held breaths. When my BPD cycled "Leaving the Building" the stressors were all in place. After another of my waivering attempts to respectfully ask for intimacy escalated, he flipped into an epic episode and pushed me out, breaking the whole family up. He's still raging about stupid shit. When it began I asked for a moratorium to sort out the emotional reactions and went straight into NC. Instead he found & read my journal and confirmed and justified his hostile and eractic reactions. Except no one else sees it. He hasn't missed a beat in his FB and band life... I'm recovering my life daily; doing tons of work on myself yet still saddened and hopeful. WTF??? He's bipolar diagnosed in rehab 3 years ago and off all meds and psych treatment after replacing them with a handful of aminos and calling it good over a year ago. So on or off meds and not ever consistently stable ever in our entire relationship. BPD, PTSD robs so many incredibly beautiful souls of a loving and secure quality of life!! I honored his seemingly clear thinking at the time, that he would manage himself. He spent most of the past year abroad where he monitored his mental state subjectively. So instead of asking for help, the focus of the rising tension would be on me and why I was so insecure and lacking confidence, which by the way, I fully conceded to him. It became increasingly clear to me over the course of the relationship that I was the only one actually conceding to change anything. I was the one apologizing and he ultimately used every bit of my vulnerability to reject me. Probably before I could reject him...which I was always so close to doing. So I'm anxious and dealing with my PTSD triggers, hoping for a time when sanity returns and we can resolve and renew. I have had NC for 72 days and only broken it with limited text responses. Keeping it light and polite. Met with derision and then his conflicting responses: "I'm blocking you so don't respond" or "I love you and need to do the work on me I need to recover"... Clearly BPD markers. I want to believe that "what comes up will eventually come down" and the chance that he realizes the destruction his raging mania caused our family and friends. In the meantime I go to NAMI and learn all I can about my piece of this relationship. I grew up in a house with misdiagnosed BPD and SED I have PTSD and just want to heal and hopefully break the patterns by doing it different. Therapy and couples support told us that we will repeat this again and again and just reach for the courage to stay together and face the issues and heal together. I hold onto this hope like a life preserver. Thanks for listening.

[brave-girl-living]

Sounds like you are proceeding bravely and with as much awareness as possible. I am glad you are getting support and reaching out, I am sure it is the only way to be able to see straight and with any balance in this situation. You seem to be committed to your own growth and healing and I have only ever see good things come from dedicated internal work so keep it up and hang in there. Take care of yourself and do not compromise your needs or your authentic self.