I am codependent and I am sick
Posted: May 28th, 2014, 12:23 pm
My latest relationship just ended 4 days ago. It was only 7 months long but it was crazy. I think we broke up and got back together at least once a week. The relationship started inappropriately at work. He was involved with another woman and told me it was ending but was so attracted to me and so in love with me. I held my ground at first, but then his charm and compliments won me over. We went out together over drinks a number of times and then he told me he and his ex broke up. Anyway, that's just how it started and in the meantime there were fights, promises, tender times, me helping him and trying to fix everything by doing everything. He told me he wanted to get me pregnant and begged for me to take out my birth control.
I am 35 years old and I have never been married or had any kids, though in my heart I really would like a healthy relationship and to be a mother. I took my birth control out at the end of March and we were not too careful. He knew. I wasn't keeping any secrets. Then about a month ago he expressed a need to move out to Portland, OR, (the same city where his ex girlfriend moved to after they broke up) because this area we live, rural NW Washington, was stifling his creativity (he's a musician and trained chef). I said that sounded great and how could I fit into this move? That's when it got really bad. He told me I was controlling and asked too many questions. He insulted me, said the most horrific things and called and texted me incessantly to the point where I actually felt like I was having anxiety attacks. He also relapsed on heroine, which he had struggled with in the past. See, I knew all these things, but I thought it was going to be different if he would just let me love him and take my advice. I have never been in a relationship where someone has talked to me so cruelly. I allowed it to happen and excused it because he was drunk or emotional or depressed. At least he was more messed up than me, I guess was my mentality!
So many red flags waved themselves in my face but I could not stop. I have struggled for years with my body image, body dysmorphia, and bulimia. The older I get the more I have accepted myself. I am beautiful and I have a nice body. My ex was so into my appearance and my body and being intimate. I felt free and uninhibited with him in the bedroom. The rest of the relationship was totally unpredictable and out of control.
I listened to Women Who Love Too Much on a short road trip over the weekend and I am classically obsessing about an unhealthy relationship. I see how I used my helpfulness and control to manipulate him. My dad used to give me gifts in attempt to win my love. It was not unconditional. I think I thought if I could just show my ex unconditional love and give him new socks, buy delicious steaks and seafood and pick him up when he was too drunk to drive that he might just love me in return. I really stopped taking care of myself. I stopped regular exercise in the mornings. I ate with him late at night. I drove places after we had been drinking at his demand.
Through all this he kept on telling me we are destined to be together and he loves me and wants to have kids with me. It has been emotionally exhausting and so damn confusing. I just don't know what to believe. I wanted to text him to see if he made it safe to his new place so bad when I got home last night, but I resisted and I journaled and cried some.
It just feels better getting this off my chest. I know it's cliche, but I gotta focus on me now. I have got to deal with my emotional scars/trauma from my childhood and my unhealthy pattern of relating to men.
I am 35 years old and I have never been married or had any kids, though in my heart I really would like a healthy relationship and to be a mother. I took my birth control out at the end of March and we were not too careful. He knew. I wasn't keeping any secrets. Then about a month ago he expressed a need to move out to Portland, OR, (the same city where his ex girlfriend moved to after they broke up) because this area we live, rural NW Washington, was stifling his creativity (he's a musician and trained chef). I said that sounded great and how could I fit into this move? That's when it got really bad. He told me I was controlling and asked too many questions. He insulted me, said the most horrific things and called and texted me incessantly to the point where I actually felt like I was having anxiety attacks. He also relapsed on heroine, which he had struggled with in the past. See, I knew all these things, but I thought it was going to be different if he would just let me love him and take my advice. I have never been in a relationship where someone has talked to me so cruelly. I allowed it to happen and excused it because he was drunk or emotional or depressed. At least he was more messed up than me, I guess was my mentality!
So many red flags waved themselves in my face but I could not stop. I have struggled for years with my body image, body dysmorphia, and bulimia. The older I get the more I have accepted myself. I am beautiful and I have a nice body. My ex was so into my appearance and my body and being intimate. I felt free and uninhibited with him in the bedroom. The rest of the relationship was totally unpredictable and out of control.
I listened to Women Who Love Too Much on a short road trip over the weekend and I am classically obsessing about an unhealthy relationship. I see how I used my helpfulness and control to manipulate him. My dad used to give me gifts in attempt to win my love. It was not unconditional. I think I thought if I could just show my ex unconditional love and give him new socks, buy delicious steaks and seafood and pick him up when he was too drunk to drive that he might just love me in return. I really stopped taking care of myself. I stopped regular exercise in the mornings. I ate with him late at night. I drove places after we had been drinking at his demand.
Through all this he kept on telling me we are destined to be together and he loves me and wants to have kids with me. It has been emotionally exhausting and so damn confusing. I just don't know what to believe. I wanted to text him to see if he made it safe to his new place so bad when I got home last night, but I resisted and I journaled and cried some.
It just feels better getting this off my chest. I know it's cliche, but I gotta focus on me now. I have got to deal with my emotional scars/trauma from my childhood and my unhealthy pattern of relating to men.