YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I wasn't really sure whether to put this here or under family issues, sorry if it doesn't fit. (but the issue now is my relationships with others, not my family)

My parents have always been pretty emotionally absent, especially my mother, who can be extremely self centred. Long story short I've always felt she resents me on some level because I am the result of an unplanned pregnancy that got in the way of her education and career goals. I love her but we've never been very close.

Since I was a little kid I've seeked out the attention of people older than myself, especially girls and women. In grades 7 and 8 I was in a multi-age choir and I used to tag along with the girls from high school because they thought I was cute and would give me positive attention. Now that I think about it a definite pattern emerges of me seeking nurturing and caring attention from female people older than me. From school teachers to a particularly memorable dance instructor, I've always felt a kind of warm energy that's difficult to describe when a woman or girl (especially one just a bit older than me) expresses affection or caring towards me. It's pretty obvious that I'm seeking the nurturing that I didn't get from my own mother.

A month ago I moved away from home to attend university. I'm living in an apartment with two other female students. They're very sweet, and they're both around three years older than me. Since they're kind and I'm new to the city they've been helping me out, showing me things and helping me practice my French (the primary language here). I'm so grateful for their attention and I can already feel myself gaining this maternal attachment to them. It's very comforting to me but I'm worried that in the long run it might be negative. I'm already worried about when I have to move out and lose this connection. In the past when I've lost contact with the people I see as maternal figures I feel a sense of abandonment.

For example, the other day I came home from socializing with some school friends and I was pretty drunk. My roommates made sure I drank water and got to bed safely, and I felt really overwhelmed (in a good way) because my mother (as far as I can remember) rarely gave me this kind of caring attention.

Is forming this kind of attraction something I should try to avoid? I can't really control it but the feeling of being nurtured is kind of addicting. My only concern is that I'll end up altering my behaviour in order to encourage the attention or overstep my boundaries (which has happened in the past and was embarrassing).

I want to be clear that none of this is at all sexual, strictly platonic love and caring.

Can anyone relate? Any advice/thoughts?
Thanks!

This is totally understandable and I don't think it is a problem so long as all involved consent and no one feels used, except...

You ultimately always feel abandoned. People move on with their lives, get jobs or educational opportunities that aren't going to coincide with yours. Not only that, people pull apart for all sorts of reasons. We change, we grow, we can be dicks to each other in the process.

Finding family in friendships is completely healthy. It's all many in the LGBT community have when our families disown or otherwise reject us for who we are, and who we've always been. Finding support in friends is a necessity for many people. I wouldn't be surprised if later you did develop a sort of kink around this dynamic as a way of sort of working through the issue (it's not uncommon); there would be nothing shameful in that. There is nothing shameful in your platonic search for maternal love in others either. These girls sound willing to work with you and even excited about taking you under their wing. At some point, though, they may not, they may want to see you grow and not cling to them so much (as a mother would want for her child, I'd hope).

Don't resent girls who no longer wish to play this role for you as rejecting you. This abandoned feeling is my main concern for you. Understand that just as they entered into this role willingly, they also have the will and right to leave that role. I worry that you will retramatize yourself into feeling your initial sense of abandonment over and over again. Perhaps working through your issues with your mom with a therapist will help you in dealing with these feelings. For now though, if you feel positively in this dynamic, enjoy it. That is my unprofessional opinion.