The_Hero_of_Time's Diary

[The_Hero_of_Time]

Today I cried tears of sadness over something that should have been something to be happy about. Even if it was for someone else, I still put my emotions ahead of theirs and I feel so selfish and ashamed. Good thing they didn't see my reaction...I need some wine.

[manuel_moe_g]

You do not have to be a saint to deserve self-respect and self-love. Please take care.

[Mr.Chimney]

"Should" is a nasty thing that must be kept in its cage until the rest of the sentence is phrased such that that hateful little word can scurry about the words without spreading doubt and sadness everywhere. The fact that you let the dreadful word "should" out like that and just let it chew on you and your emotions worrys me. I'm certainly not criticizing your word choice - I just flag it as being a sign for something that needs to be read into deeply.

You can have many complex and sometimes contradictory emotions about things which "social grace" (the owner of the word "should" in this context, I think. To be less obtuse, I'm assuming that your shame and self-loathing are coming from an assumption that you should be strictly and wholly happy for this other person) has no place for. Jealousy, fear, confusion, upset - it's all there. A friend of mine mentioned on Facebook that she got "cum laude". I checked out of curiosity (the first time I have ever looked, I should add. I pride myself on that) and I was 0.2 (on a 10-point scale) shy of the designation. That really got to me. School is important to me and I felt like a huge failure. I really resented her for it, and then I started digging into myself because I have only one truly dismal mark on my transcript and it was for an elective. I really am happy for her deep down but my issues are getting in the way of that process. If some part of you is happy about the news and you want to be happy for this person, the little sliver of happiness is the real emotion peeking through all the crud. If you can't see it, that doesn't mean that it isn't there - it simply means that you are too busy beating yourself up to realize that people are far more incommensurable than we are told and that one person's success has no correlation with your state of affairs.

Good luck. Sending a hug your way.

[The_Hero_of_Time]

Today I thought about driving my car off the road into the next tree I saw. Instead, I pulled over and cried.

[manuel_moe_g]

Take care, The_Hero_of_Time. Every breakdown has the possibility of revolutionary change. My own breakdown finally helped me overcome the ego that was preventing my improvement. I don't want to push my own autobiography onto you, because that is disrespectful to you. I honor your sense of pain. Please take care, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.