duck's diary

[duck1]

I'm so fat. And I just want to eat and eat and eat.

I'm so tired and I have so much to do (need to take my daughter from preschool soon, dad's coming for dinner, laundry, laundry, laundry).

I'm dealing with "breaking up" with a new fried of mine. I feel subtle hints that she just doesn't want to get together and things like that. We were friends like a year and a half or so. I met through my daughters previous preschool. I like her and find her super smart and felt there was a good connection. I don't want to confront her about this, I fear she will say something painful like "you're too self centered".

It was very helpful for me to write all of this.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, I really related to this writing, duck1.

Pain makes people more self-absorbed - if you think about that it is a perfectly normal response to being in pain. Even in the worst case scenario where you friend says "you're too self centered" she would only be making a statement about your pain, and not about you as a person. I have looked back at my life and found places where I was too self-centered and I have forgiven myself, because I was in pain during those times, and forgiving myself is the compassionate thing to do and forgiving myself leaves me in a more capable state. Please don't negatively judge yourself for a natural reaction to your pain.

Also, your friend may be going through something herself unrelated to you that is making her less of a good friend.

The main thing is to be compassionate to yourself - you deserve it!

All the best, cheers, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[duck1]

It was the last day at work before 9 days of vacation. YIKES!

I like routine so much, and scared so much of the change and being a full time mom (that is - mom all day).

Really scared that I will lose my patience, and end up letting her watch too much tv instead of really doing fun stuff. I did some planning hope it will work.

Hubby is with our daughter in an after kindergarden thing, last minutes of clam....

Was really bummed out for a few days. Just before entering the car after a day of work I bought a package of cheap waffles from the vending machine. Like 200 grams.

I threw out abut half (I hope not less). Ate the rest.

I spoke with a friend of mine about how lonely and rejected I feel. How I've been trying to capture other mommy friends. She said something very wonderful to me. She said she knows me for years, and there is nothing appaling about me, the only thing may be, is all the anxieties will cause me to appear like someone who is not me.

I took that data along with the fact that I get along well with most of the people at work, and understood that when I am natural, agendaless, and confident - I am actually a fun person.

I felt much better and I'm glad I didn't eat the entire pack of waffels!

[manuel_moe_g]

I felt much better and I'm glad I didn't eat the entire pack of waffels!

Boy howdy, do I know this feeling!

[duck1]

a double blow. I cried today a short week cry after I hadn't cried for years.

There is a lady at my work who is retiring. She is very talkative and I wasn't always patient. But I do like her and I tried to be polite and respectful.

Today was the the day before he last day. she pointed out to me some mistake I made (very minor mistake if at all but it had to do with her work) and it seemed to me like there was some anger to it. I don't want to go into to much burdensome details, but I felt that she was unusually quiet. maybe I am projecting to much, but it seemed like she had a grudge.


When she was training her successor she went on her soap box and said " check yourself. I am from the generation that checks themselves before moving on. Not like you youngsters which assume they don't need to and just make mistakes" (she looked at me as well, mind you- I am not that young- close to 36).

I felt horrible, but didn't want to apologize as I felt I did nothing wrong and she was just looking for an opportunity to go "told you so".

On my way home I had this funny thought that I wish I could "punch the clock" when I arrive home, and do my "job" as a mother. Someone would see that I am working.

At home, my daughter is so energetic, it don't meet my energy level at all. and I was saddened by her loudness and saddened by the fact that I could not respond well.

I cried after my husband criticised me for something I did. I feel that he is rapped up in his own issues and has zero empathy for me, zero ability to give a hand.

I was a bit overwhelmed by my baby (3.5 year old) I asked my husband for 15 min. break before I go back ( He helps SO MUCH- don't get me wrong).

Time is up and I feel a little better.

[duck1]

So a couple of things.

How do i explain when the day comes to my baby (3 years and 9 months) that I don't want anymore children. There are so many reasons and they all make me look so vaulenerable? Will the answers make her think that I didn't want her?
I am overwhelemed by parenting (washing bottles, the endless energy of children, lanudry)_.
While hubby makes a lot of money, my salary is below average and will probably never be high?
That I took prozac during pregnancy and although she came out healthy and smart, I don't want to do this experiment again?
That I probably will not breastfeed (because of the prozac) and I am very pro-breastfeeding?
That I am overweigt, my mom died of diabetes, and I don't want to gain even more weight during pregnancy and have diffuclty losing weight and maintaing a healthy diet after the pregnancy- due to fatigue, lack of time to exercsie and prepare healty food.

If i were to give a completly honest answer it would be.
"Sweety, I love you, you are my angel. Mommy finds adult life overwheleming, just being rational, planning ahead, putting other people needs before mine. She is also moody and needs a lot of time for herself for sleep, exercise. SHe also doesn't make a lot of money.

Therefore, she concluded after having you, that she has limited resources for parenting, and because it was so important for her to raise you properly, she decided she could not have another child".

Thanks for listening.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello duck1!

Not spreading yourself too thin, and doing right by _yourself_, is the best gift you can give your child.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, you kick ass!

All the best, cheers.

[duck1]

thanks, manuel_moe_g, you are very sweet!

[duck1]

can't stop eating,

It happens to me every Friday.

I ate an ice cream while waiting for the bus.

I had 2 Börek 1 with potatoes and mushrooms, the second with sprouts.

and now some pasta with tuna and a sweet soy sauce.

All this is on top of breakfast ( a bowl of cereal).

I guess I'm tired, but I really have a lot to do and can't go to sleep.

[manuel_moe_g]

I also have a problem with overeating. I eat to manage my anxiety.

Please be self-loving, duck1. Do small course corrections instead of massive changes to your behavior. Maybe have a greek yogurt instead of cereal, and enjoy the ice creme, but throw half of it away in a gross trash can before you take the first bite (I have to throw portions of food away in gross trash cans because I will try to grab it out and eat it anyway otherwise )

But don't try to make a massive change in your eating habits, because that is rarely self-loving, and you deserve self-loving. Please take care, remember that you rock!