I'm not ready to leave therapy

[Lilac]

I have a new therapist. First thing she did was add meds. I am not too sure of her. Not really comfortable. She is based in science. Not a bad thing but I believe in Universal Laws. I believe in God. I believe in the lives after death. We shall see how things go. I accidentally missed an appointment. Total flake out on my part. She seems to think I stood her up. Feeling offended. She is looking for the negative. I am telling the truth and don't think she believes me.

[Lilac]

That therapist was a big nistake. Cymbalta is a bitch to get off of. Withdrawl is terrible. Looking for a new therapist. Will go with my gut this time. NO. MORE. PILLS!

[manuel_moe_g]

Keep trying. You are too awesome and you deserve better!

[Lilac]

Thank you MM. You are always so supportive. It is good to know that there are good people in the world.

I am off of cymbalta. What a struggle. It sucks and I will never take it again. Left that therapist, too. I felt it wasn't a good fit from day one but didn't listen to my instincts. I won't make that mkstake again.

The plan... energy healing. Cut waaaaaay back on sugar- i am truely adicted. A new therapist. More volenteer work with animals. I just don't like or trust people. And hope. There is always hope to cling to. I hope that I will feel better someday. Amen sister.

[manuel_moe_g]

More volunteer work with animals sounds awesome. Please stay hopeful, and all the best!

[Lilac]

Thank you MM. Isn't hope a wonderful thing? I has kept me from giving up so many times. I has kept me trying every different therapy that there is. .Hope has helped me to hold on for one more day, and then one more after that. Hope has told me that not everyone is like that cruel person. Hope is the hand that I hold on my darkest days. I fear that one day I will lose hope. That will be the day I end this life.

It is of some comfort to know the way that I will die. I have no doubt that it will be at my own hand. I do not know when or where, but I do believe that I know the how. I will take my own life at some point. I have no doubt. I am not sad. It is not imminent. But I believe that this struggle can't go on forever. I am strong and I am stubborn but I do have limited energy. It is part of being human. For now, I will fight depression. She is a bitch and so am I. I will try to kick her ass as far down the road as I can. But I know she will be back. She always comes back, the sneaky bitch. If there were a drug or therapy or anything that I could do to kill her, I would. I would kill her with my own hands. I hate her that much. She is the only thing that I do hate. Viscerally. Deeply.

[rc409]

You method of death, and you knowing...Its a idea I once had, so may I please say, knock it off in a kind, loving way.

If you believe in a god, he has the plan for when you'll die..or she. If you try to do it on your terms, it wont work. Your life will be saved, and you'll come back with a shitload of medical bills, plus whatever is f-ed in the first place.

I mean, goddamn if death is'nt a final thing. We just don't know what could be great tomorrow.

I had a lot better results with therapy once I looked into a 9 year old girls eyes (granddaughter) and said, "OK sweetie..sorry..I WONT TRY THAT AGAIN...after this last suicide. I'll say suicide since I was officially dead for a small amount of time. I could post a pic of the burns on my chest.

Honest, its the deciding to live thats the thing. We dont have that long , anyway. We probably wont see 90, so subtract whatever you are now from that. Figure at least 30% of that time, we are sleeping.

Plus, they say many of us get better. That holding on to that "eject " button we have really screws us out of having to get better. Dont be afraid to tell a therapist, "listen, I'm not fucking around, or coming back ten times..lets see some action...

Its fun to say that, too. TRY IT!

No one cares? I cared enough to post this.

[rc409]

I do mean what I said with kindness. You just posted something that I understood, and that hit home with me. Please donttn kill that.

[Lilac]

Thank you rc. I take what you say in a kind way. I am fighting as hard as I know how. I fight the darkness every day. I know lots of people do. Some days I get tired and angry. I ask myself why am I fighting so hard. It seems so much easier to give in to the darkness. It is much less effort to sit in a dark room and sob and wail at the world.

I have days and weeks of close to happiness. I am thankful for what I have. I love my dogs so very much. I don't understand where the darkness comes from and why it appears when it does. I have had a few good weeks. I have not had fantasies of killing myself for three weeks. And now, in the last two days, they are back full force. I can't understand why. I am doing the work. I am eating well and sleeping well. Excercise? Yes. Meds? Yes. Human interaction? Yes. Fuck! I still feel just plain old fucked. I HATE the darkness. It is a hot, blinding hatred. I would like to take a bat to the darkness and beat it to a bloody mess. I would like to do the same to my molester. He is the fucking darkness. He is de a d but he is still lurking and waiting for any chance. I fucking hate him. I hate that I wasn't protected from him. I hate my family of origin for going on their merry way. No one talks about the painful things. Fuck them. They can live their sad little lives. I won't do it any more. I won't be small for them. I won't be what they want. I WILL be me. I will live for me. I am so confused.

I will keep on fighting the darkness. I will. Go fuck yourself darkness. Leave me alone!

[Lilac]

I have seen instant love. Well, maybe not instantaneous but pretty darn close. I drove some puppies to their new families. The experience was magical. That is the only word for it. I took the frightened puppies out of their crates, one by one. Handed them to their families, one by one and saw the magic. The pups went from shivering little things to wriggling wagging balls of love. All within about 30 seconds. All it took was the kindness and love of their new families. I saw the same thing happen 11 times in a row! It felt like witnessing a miracle over and over again. I am honored to have seen this and overjoyed to know with absolute certainty that love is real. Love can heal in the blink of an eye. How is it that I have never seen this before? How is it that I didn't know how powerful love is?