I'm not ready to leave therapy

[Lilac]

The darkness is back. Fucking darkness. I will fight you. I will. I will throw all of the skills that I have learned at you. I will meditate. I will care for myself. I will exercise. I will eat well. Fuck you darkness. You may win in the end. In fact, I know you will. I won't give up without fighting. I will take my meds. I will work my ass
off to defeat you even if only for a short time. Fuck you darkness.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi, Lilac. I had a recent run-in with darkness - but I am better now. Please take good care of yourself. You are a good, worthy person. You deserve better than this darkness.

[Lilac]

I feel as if I have let the darkness rob me of all of life's gifts. I look around at the people I know and see the love that they have for their children and lovers. I can't tell if I do not have this love in my life because I don't want it or if i don't feel as if I deserve it. I feel as if i am missing out on one or more of life's greatest joys. The clock is ticking. What do i want? I can't figure it out.

[Applecider]

Sending you a hug, Lilac. I haven't read the whole thread, but I want you to know that I care and that I feel so similar to you right now.

I was broken up with back in September and it's devastated me more than I wanted to allow it to. I look at everyone around me with their lovers and families and feel so lost, and alone and that the clock is ticking. I feel stuck, panicky and as if my wheels are spinning. I have everything in my life going for me BUT the relationship. I keep failing in that aspect, time and time and time again and it's a lot of work to get into a new relationship. I didn't date for 4 years after my last breakup until this most recent one. I don't want to wait another 4 years just for a maybe.

Hugs and love, Lilac. My favorite flower.

[Lilac]

At what point do we take a step back. A break from therapy? When do we find the space that is as good as it is going to get? What is the goal? Where and how do we say "Ok. I am as good as I am going to get. I have a mendal illness. It is a part of me that will never go away."? Is it even ok to want to "coast" or tread water? I am so tired of chasing...I don't know what. Is it happiness? I'm not sure. What I do know is that I still have suicidal ideation but not a desire to die. I have tools to cope but still have depression. I have self hatred and also self hope. I am among people who profess to love me but I still feel alone. I am comfortable by myself. It is so much easier to be alone than with people who say they love me.

[Lilac]

Wow. It has been so long since I have posted. I feel like a different being. I have found a new tribe and am so very thankful. There are so many issues still to be healed but I actually feel human. I feel valued. I can see that none of us are perfect and that we all have a shit sandwich to eat in our lives. I can see that there are so many lessons to learn. I have also learned that my job is to take care of me. No one else will.

[AdmiralIndigoish]

That was an amazing journey for me to read.

I am so happy you sounded better in your last post .