Floradrenaline's Diary

[brownblob]

I think you made a great decision. In a tough situation, you've taken a step to take care of yourself.

[floradrenaline]

I think I'm developing a drinking problem and I think I'm starting to be a danger to myself when I drink.
I'm not taking my Lithium, but I don't think that's what this is about.
I'm pretty drunk right now, to be honest.
Trying to say this here so I can say it to my therapist tomorrow.
Wish me bravery.

[Beany Boo]

It's okay to hold onto secrets. Trust can grow slowly. If anything it's just as important to notice when you're trying to bring words to something and the person you're sharing to, seems to be stopping them forming. Trust that.

[brownblob]

Wishing you bravery. Take care of yourself Flora

[floradrenaline]

My therapist is actually a pretty wonderful human being and I trust him a lot... I've seen him for about a year and a half, with a couple month break when I moved, and in that time he's seen me through a lot of really hard times, as well as some pretty good ones. And we had a good talk today... He said I'm at a pretty high risk and the drinking increases the risk. He also said he really wanted me to take the Lithium and that we could circumvent a hospital admission if I would take it on my own. We both agreed that all the hospital would really do for me at this point would be to make me take the Lithium. He said that while I didn't see it necessarily he saw that I was more negative and more suicidal than usual when I wasn't taking Lithium, which kind of caught my attention b/c I know that my judgement about myself is not good when I'm unwell and I know I need to trust what he says he's seeing. He also said I seemed a little manic, in the way that I was clearly suicidal, but with noticeable energy. At the end he said he hoped he would see me next week (I'm assuming he meant as opposed to in the hospital, not as opposed to being dead) and I almost cried a little bit. Because I know I'm not doing well, and I keep drinking, and I keep not taking the Lithium, and I am so damn stubborn at this point that not being medicated is as much a point of pride as anything. It's like I'm attached to this idea of myself as someone who suffers and suffers but keeps fighting on and keeps showing up week to week with this scrappy kind of unbeatable energy. Kind of like the energizer bunny of moderate-to-severe mental illness. I told him I am aware of how cliche this all is, that "bipolar person says they're not bipolar and refuses to take Lithium" is not by any means a newsworthy article. But it doesn't matter. It's still so real to me, what scares me more than anything is making it, getting BETTER, and then dying at 45 of kidney failure anyways. I would rather burn out young and save myself the false hope, you know? But no one else seems to see it that way, which makes me the crazy one, which pathologizes me. I get that I could just take the pills and make this all go away for a few years at least but I've never been one to put off the inevitable. And I told him too, same thing I told my NP last week, I don't think I can take "just one dose", I think at this point I take nothing or the whole bottle. I almost want someone to say to me, you need to go to the hospital, because I'm so sick of dealing with my own brain on an outpatient basis. haha. I hate going day to day in so much psychic agony and feeling like I am so alone through most of it. And i know I need to get a grip. Stop drinking. start medicating again. go to school. be a human being. But I just want to opt out... To confuse everything further I started dating this wonderful girl I met when I was living in the city and I feel like I need to be a person for her. She has her own mental health struggles and totally gets mine, but still. I'm drunk tonight but not sad drunk just tired drunk. I want to go to bed and wake up in a different life. ):

[rivergirl]

Hi Flora,
How are you doing now? I hope you've been able to share your struggle to take your medication with your therapist and other people who care about you. You mentioned dying at 45, and I think you mean from the side effects of Lithium? I don't know if it would help to think of it this way, but there are new medications being developed all the time and I think there's a pretty good chance there will be better medications and treatment available long before you reach that age. I totally understand how when you're in the midst of the "psychic agony" even a minute can seem too long to wait. I just hope that you'll be able to hold on through this current bad time and get some relief soon. Please take care of yourself.

rivergirl

[floradrenaline]

Thank you. I'm doing OK. I'm actually doing pretty awful but I did reach out to the nurse practitioner I see this afternoon and I have an appointment literally first thing tomorrow morning. She said it will be an hour as opposed to half hour like usual which makes me feel nervous that she has some kind of agenda, like she's going to hospitalize me or something like that. The last time I talked to her she said to me "you'll take these meds right? "And I said yes which was a lie, I stopped taking them again that afternoon. And now she knows I haven't taken them in about three weeks, give or take a few days on them here and there, and I think she probably isn't happy about that haha. I called her and got voicemail twice this afternoon and was actually just getting up to go to the emergency room when she called back, I felt like I couldn't handle being inside myself for even one more minute, but knowing I can talk to someone tomorrow kind of got me through the rest of the day. I don't want to go inpatient I've been so many times it's just boring but I am worried she'll say I have to go in because I feel basically constantly suicidal and I need to taper on the lithium again as it's been like I said three weeks since I've had any kind of consistent dose. I call the crisis line last night because I was worried I was going to hurt myself and I made it through just like I always make it through, white knuckling it at times but making it nevertheless. They're actually supposed to call me back tonight and I'm nervous about it because I don't want to miss their call sleeping because I don't want them to worry or call an ambulance or something but I' also have this appointment first thing in the morning and I don't want to oversleep because they would panic or at least be mad. I'm self-medicating and I think about dying like all the time. There's this tiny paranoid part of me that worries I'm going to get there tomorrow morning like my therapist will be there with her and they'll just like ambush me with court papers and haul me off . i I have had intervention style therapy pulled on me like that before and I know I'm in a different place now emotionally and my team gets that but still it was a bad enough experience before that I still worry about it. I'm starting to realize how bad I fucked up when I stopped taking my meds now I have to wait for therapeutic levels to build back up and I was supposed to start school next week and I don't want to put my education off another semester, I just can't. And I feel awful, all up-and-down, going from goal oriented to suicidal in 30 minutes flat. I just want to feel better. I'm so nervous about this meeting too I keep cracking dumb dark jokes and I feel wired like I get when I manic but I also get like what I'm really just anxious. I really appreciate all the support on here it means a lot to me. <3

[brownblob]

I hope the meeting in the morning goes okay. Hopefully, it's not an ambush. I know you have concerns about taking lithium long term. Have you ever asked if there is any other med you can take? I know lithium is the old faithful med but maybe there is something else you can try. Wishing you safety and wellness.

[floradrenaline]

It turned out to not be an ambush at all; I was actually surprised at how much of a non-event it was. She basically told me it was safe to resume my full dose of lithium as long as I could "tolerate" it. I really appreciate too how much the clinicians I see value retaining my ability to choose for myself and how they don't rush to put me in the hospital. I say really concerning things and they know somehow that I'm OK and will be OK and actually I really trust them too to know when i'm actually not OK. Anyways. I'm back on everything and it's only been a day so it's too soon to tell but I feel OK and I think I'll keep taking everything because it's been really terrible to feel so terrible and feel like I have no control over myself. I ran 4 miles tonight to prove to myself that I could do whatever I decide that I was going to do.

as for lithium versus other medications at this point I'm scared to try anything else because lithium just worked so well for me and it was hell finding a medication combination that was effective that didn't make me feel totally nonfunctional. Which seems like crazy rationale when I am on and off considering not taking it at all. So maybe something else would be better than lithium but I also don't trust that other drugs are safer just because they're newer and have had last time to be studied. Just my thoughts.

[manuel_moe_g]

as for lithium versus other medications at this point I'm scared to try anything else because lithium just worked so well for me and it was hell finding a medication combination that was effective that didn't make me feel totally nonfunctional

I know this feeling well

Please take care, flora!