Had a suicide attempt, several actually

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Tristus, we care about you. You are heard.

[Tristus]

I know I'm crazy. I don't have to read through my posts to know I'm not well. I haunt myself every day. In the past no ghost could compare to how much I scared myself. It's because of that I can't imagine going on. When I think about my dreams, my future; it isn't there. Even a crappy job and being able to do that isn't there. There is no house with a little family and pets. Imagining something for myself is blank.

All I see are the crazy things I've done. I see the crazy that I am. When I look at myself I'm a joke. If I picture you looking at me after getting to know me; I become this distorted version of myself which is incapable of doing anything correctly. I couldn't even kill myself, level of failure.

I see the burden that I am, the embarrassment that I must be and the shame of my existence.

I wonder if I ever stopped wanting to die. Was that just the meds? They certainly don't work all the time.

How can a pill make decades, even a lifetime, of self-hatred go away? What amount of talking and acceptance will give me peace?

As I see it now, I will never reach that point where I am grateful I didn't kill myself. I will never look back and think, "Wow, look at how far I've come. Look at all I've done since then." I hear about people who do great things after the worst times of their lives. I can't do that.

I hate so much of who I am.

[manuel_moe_g]

I read your post. I can remember when I hated myself so much. Please let in the tiniest sliver of a chance that your hatred for yourself will end. Just the tiniest sliver of a chance. Wishing you relief that will allow you to continue on. Please keep the lines of communication open.

[Beany Boo]

I read your post, thank you.

[Tristus]

She finally did it. She presumed to tell me about photography. What they do and don't do. I was talking about one specific artist and she blew me off. Then she sees my problem with staying in focus (I have astigmatism). She tells me that I can't photograph kids because I would get too frustrated.

Then she tells me I need to enter one of my photographs into a contest. What am I supposed to believe about my skills? All weekend I was trying to defend myself. When I said I didn't want to talk about what I want to do I was told basically not to act like that (she tells me often how I act like a child and over the years I act like one around her). When my sister would talk to me like a kid no one said anything. That's probably because they always talk to me in that manner.

I'm just not smart. I'm forgetful and that means talking to me in a condescending manner, as if I know nothing. For all the schooling I have I'm still a moron. That voice in my head tells me all my flaws and they are always fatal.

I tried telling Mom I'd thought about doing transcribing, just to pay the bills, real low-rung stuff as I don't want to go to school for it. That turned into her telling me how bad I am at spelling and grammar. I said I'd worked hard over the years to get better at that. She kept shooting me down, "I don't care, you still..." And on it went. And she's right. I could never be that.

I just do as I'm told. Go where I'm asked to. I don't even care. I mean I lack emotion as I go through the days, not that I don't really care because I care too much.

Now, Mom thinks I should do 20 hours a week working from home for Amazon. Is it any wonder I spent so long being so afraid to major in what I'm good at? Is it any wonder I don't want my family to know the dreams I have for myself?

I'm so broken and so fragile that I can't handle having a dream because I cling to it like a life raft and one wrong word or one wrong step and my raft will pop. If I am really ever going to stop wanting to kill myself I have to live my dream but I need solid ground first. I need real support. And everyone just keeps telling me there is no help.

I feel I should be grateful for the help I have had. And I am. Because of this I feel so spoiled and selfish for needing more. I've asked the VA for more over and over and been rejected over and over even as they have done the unimaginable and paid for my hospitalization from my suicide attempt.

I'm supposed to go in tomorrow and ask for more help. I don't even want to go. But I need my medicine. I'm so tired of trying to advocate for myself. I'm tired of sharing intimate moments with doctors who don't know how to react and thus hating myself all the more for being what I am.

I'm done with dreams and done with hope and done with believing I can do better.

[Beany Boo]

Hey Tristus, I read your post.