Why are you being nice to me?

[Snotrag]

I am so used to people being unkind to me that when someone is actually nice to me I wonder why. How fucked up is that? I am so sad that I can’t seem to accept kindnesses without wondering why that person is being nice to me or doing something kind for me. It feels so odd. People just don’t do nice things for me no matter how basic and simple the things seem. What I am accostumed to is having to owe others for favors. In the past, I have never known a person to do anything for me without expecting something in return. It didn’t mattter if it was someone in my bio family or a ‘friend’. I was always expected to pay people back for everything. I got so used to it that I thought that was just the way the world worked.

Now that I have some therapy under my belt, I have been deliberately choosing different ‘friends’. I have been happily trying to be very selective with who I interact with. I have been kicking a-holes out of my life and it feels terrific. I love super smart people. I am fascinated with thinkers and creators. But I am still very much an introvert. I still cherish my alone time. And I am still very suspicious of anyone who is actually ‘nice’ to me. My mind goes immediately to...what do they want? It is a fearful reaction. I know this to be true. How do we shake our past that seems so ingrained? How do we open our hearts to the possibility of goodness when all we have known is unkindness? I want so much to accept the kindnesses offered to me without reservation but my past is telling me to watch out. I wish I could tell my past to quiet down but it seems so wise. So experienced.

[bigeekgirl]

I relate. Kindness is often manipulative from the kinds of people I used to have in my life. Trusting is hard, but with practice we can figure out how to pick the trustworthy people. It's also very important to balance time to rest and recharge.

[Snotrag]

Ahh yes! What to do, what to do. Fuck,fuck,fuck. I HATE that I don’t trust anyone. I hate that I am constantly wondering what others want from me. I hate that I only think that you want something from me, otherwise you wouldn’t call. But that is my reality. As far as I can see, people only contact me when they want something from me. They do not know that I am an empty well. They do not see that I have nothing more to give.

I am getting better at setting boundaries but that has left me more alone than I have ever felt. A people pleaser telling people no and setting limits is a lonely person indeed. Keeping energy for myself is an odd position. It feels good and crappy at the same time.

Fuck’em is my new mantra. Fuck you all who have been energy sucks. Fuck you all who have expected me to be who you wanted me to be. Fuck you all who do not see who I am and who do not respect my individuality..

I promise myself that I will always put myself first from this point forward. I promise that I will figure out what makes me happy and follow that path no matter how selfish I feel. I promise to care for myself first. I promise to peruse love and joy for myself. I promise to protect myself from those who would wound me and belittle me.

This or something greater...

[Snotrag]

Thank you bigeekgirl. It is good to know that others are in the same boat. I can’t tell you how much it means to know that others feel as I do. I feel horrible that I think that people suck. I much prefer the company of my fur kids. No expectations. Just love. I so wish humans could be so kind.

[Snotrag]

How do we figure out who to trust!? How do we know who has hidden motives and who is kind to us solely because they are kind people?!

[brownblob]

I don't trust anyone. I had so much negative experiences when I was young that I grew up to be paranoid and am always on guard when dealing with people. Kindness seems to be a rare thing and it confuses me when someone is kind to me.

[bigeekgirl]

Snotrag, it is hard to relax when you are wondering when the person you think you can trust is going to show their true colors. I have tried to go in with a spirit of taking people at face value with the knowledge I can decide to opt out of relationships at any time, or simply say no to anything that doesn't work for me. I know that sounds easy and almost stupid advise, but I have to work hard as a codependent to not be "all in" with everyone who requests even the smallest thing from me until there's nothing left.

[Snotrag]

I totally get that bigeekgirl. The people pleaser in me should get overtime pay. It is just that I have been burned a bunch of times. I have been working with a counselor to set healthy boundaries. The first thing I need to do is to decide what my wants and needs are. What?! This is so new to me. I do not know what my wants and need even are. I know I want others to be kind to me and one another but how do we ‘make’ others be kind? Using my voice is something new to me as well. Saying, out loud, how I feel has never been acceptable or acknowledged. Everything had to be happy, happy, joy, joy.

How does one set healthy boundaries? And how do we say no without offending others? Or is it inevitable that some people will be offended? Is it a fact that we will disappoint some people and that we must weather that storm and be ok with our decisions?

[Snotrag]

Brown blob, I get you. I see where you are coming from. I have experienced a shit ton of abuse as well. Physical, mental, sexual and emotional. Perhaps I am an idiot but I do see kindness in the world. Sometimes it is hard to find. Sometimes I do not see it for a very long time. But just when I am about to give up on humanity and become a hermit, a hoomans does a kindness that I appreciate. One example was a few days ago. I was driving home from work and happened upon to women on the side of the road. I stopped to see if they needed help. As it happens, they were trying to help a turtle across the road. In our neck of the woods, turtles often cross the road to lay eggs. It is important to help them out so that they are not hit and killed by asshats. The women let me know what they were doing and needed a bit of help. I was so happy to be of service. I had a rake and bucket in my car for that specific reason. We all corralled the beauty, speaking kind words to her, and got her across safely. What a beautiful moment. We all were so happy and in awe of this turtle. To me, that is kindness. It is not big or showy. Nor does it need a large fanfare. It does not want attention. It simply wants to exist. It wants to live and breath and just...be. Brown blob, I hope and pray that you can experience something like this. These little moments save me. They save me from hopelessness. They save me from the pit of despair that ,I know for a fact, is out there drawing me in.

This or something greater.

[Snotrag]

Holy fuck! Father’s Day. I think I might just hate my farther. Hate is such a strong word. I rarely use it. I know that I hate my bio brother. He is such an unrepentant asshat douchconoe. But he learned it from our ‘father’. Larry is not a dad or Dad. He is not a father either. He is a sperm donor who I had to live with. He is terrific on paper. He shows up for the public events. He insults me at them but he is there. He is charismatic and a drunk. He is caring to people who he likes but completely ignores those who he does not like , even for the most banal and silly reasons. Cross him or tell him something that he finds uncomfortable and you have earned the silent treatment. He does not deal with emotions at all. Feeling sad or vulnerable? Larry will call you a wimp. Don’t like something he does or says? God forbid you call him on it! He will blame and reject and shame a person into a sniveling ball of uncertainty and self loathing.

Oh Larry. For 50 years I have be subject to your asshattery. I will no longer be treated as if I am less than. I will no longer allow you to treat me as a servant or minion. I am a fully autonomous human who deserves respect. If you can not show me that respect, we will part ways. I will not be treated as if I do not count in this world.

This or something greater.