Troebia's Diary

[Mental Fairy]

Gosh yes, Oak was so valuable with knowledge and looked at things from so many angles. Miss him every time I log on. Same with rivergirl.

[snoringdog]

Hello! A few comments from my Covid-muddled brain. (On the upswing now)

There seems to be nothing truly friendly in between teenage angst and old people's cake recipes.

That gave me a chuckle. What a wasteland then.... say it isn't so!

yeah, really miss Oak

Yes, and I've had a short well-wish message to him stuck in the Outbox (not picked up) since Aug 30. Maybe he'll swing by and see it....

there’s little space left for playfulness, curiosity or exploration

Yeah, that sounds familar to me on the homefront. We're both a little too serious in our interactions. A bit of defensiveness and wariness....

It's sad that this forum is mostly defunct now because it's been filling a gap for me.

Well, we'll be here, to do what we can....

[Mental Fairy]

Absolutely agree we will be here.

Hoping we can get through this year supporting each other best we can

[troebia]

get through this year

That is my existence now, "getting through" and a constant simmering sadness and feeling out of place.

I sincerely wish I could be more positive and helping to others. I did some volunteer work for people in need last year but discovered it takes a special mindset and a truckload of patience with others in an organisation (in this case the Red Cross). A couple of years ago I helped out at the local dog shelter but realised I'm not cut out for seeing that level of suffering. Still, that gnawing guilt of not being useful for something...a skilled profession of some sort...but I'd crash just as I did during my burnout. I can't take responsibility for anything any longer, especially "work". I'm a derailed wagon, an NPC, a character on a quest without purpose. The immense privilege of living in Europe and having health care. And duh, not spending more than what's coming in.

My hearing has become so funky and changing almost every day that I'm starting to ignore it, with all its squealing and ups and downs. I'm not adjusting my earbuds for each side yet out of sheer spite.

I finally finished the winter pruning in the grove and burned almost all the residue. Next up is mildew and fungal treatment but it has to be done after a few days of dry weather. I should also slaughter three of our hens.

Not drinking as much and my gut is feeling less bloated and irritated. There's lots of stuff to do but lately feeling lethargic and exhausted as if I'd climbed a tall mountain. 2 hour daily naps.

I'm ignoring and avoiding MIL as much as possible and it brings me some peace. Sometimes I sense her frustration since she now has her own bedroom and can't dominate the open living room/kitchen space from the couch anymore. Her influence has been reduced to faking a limp, dragging her feet and sighing theatrically on the way to the bathroom, only when I'm within sight of course. Life lesson: I will never permit myself to turn into that kind of despicable person.