elephant shit

[brownblob]

E,
I live in that vast gap with you. I know what you mean.

[hobojungle]

I can relate. I set a boundary with my sister & am now dealing with the fallout. It's a challenge to acknowledge that someone we love seems to so willfully sabotage our well-being. Anyway, I read this article you may enjoy too. It's written for parents who want to help their children deal with toxicity in relationships, but because it's written from that viewpoint, I find the writing style helpful, as it is a completely foreign concept to me. Take care.

http://www.heysigmund.com/teaching-kids ... eople-out/

[E is for Elephant]

Today's "hitting a little too close to home" from the novel I'm reading:

It's amazing, she observes, with her hand on the drawer's porcelain knob, just how much you can stuff down inside you. Just how much will fit, if you force it.

The Insides by Jeremy Bushnell

[Imissmysun]

E

You are very brave and journaling is scary - seeing the demons in your brain out on paper is scary - but what helps me is just to open the tap and let it out - just free form let it out - forget that there is an audience - KNOW that we understand your fear - we understand your apprehension - we want to hear from you

Your experience could help someone else - honestly that was one of the most healing things I have heard myself - my therapist said when I was little and I wasn't given what I needed it gave me a wish list of what I wish had been said to me - my step daughter had some issues with a boy at school it was definitely sexual harassment and she needed to know she was safe and that her feelings were ok and that she was heard - and because I had been through what I had _ I could give her those things - I knew just how much she needed them -

Let some of your pain out - writing it out is like opening a tap and letting some of the pressure out - and this is a no judgement zone - you are not a burden you are a compassionate - beautiful living awesome being...

Keep sharing please

[E is for Elephant]

Fuck. The fantasy addiction talk on today's episode. Fuck. I mean, this is something that I knew about myself. But hearing other people talk about it...fuck. I don't know. It's both a relief (I'm not alone!) and terrifying, because yes, this actually is a problem and something that I should be working on. Fuck.

[Imissmysun]

Sugar beats -

Well thanks for the heads up because I live in a fantasy world - that is my go to - I don't do drugs I don't smoke I don't drink - but I like to day dream that I am a warrior princess and that I am waaaay cooler than I actually am and muscled and skinny -

Shee-oot

well fluff it all

[E is for Elephant]

Freshman year of college. So almost 15 years ago now. Jesus. Was it really that long ago? Fuck. (Part of this is directly copied and pasted by a survey fill-out, because I typing it all out seemed overwhelming. Before this, I've only ever told one other person. My best friend, a couple of months ago.)

I was definitely drunk beyond the point of being able to consent (near the point of alcohol poisoning. I was sick for two days afterwards). But he was also drunk (though not as much as I was) so I don't know what to call it. Actually, that's not entirely true. If it happened to someone else, I'd be calling it sexual assault, but it happened to me...so I pretty much brush it off and blame myself. (Also, there were friends around. Not just around, but in the room where is happened. While it was happening. Again, they were also drunk. But still, nobody stopped it. We didn't have penetrative sex (I don't think?). Oral was definitely involved. Both giving and receiving. I was blackout drunk, so there are just flashes of memory. Mostly I remember waking up naked the next day. Surrounded by people who were supposedly my friends.

I wish I could look back at this and feel angry. But what I really feel is shame. And then I feel worse, because it happened over a decade ago, and why I am making such a big deal out it? People face such worse trauma then this all the fucking time.

[Beany Boo]

E,

Good evening

When you’re a group of freshmen, things can escalate quickly; where you might be consenting to one thing and don’t have time to not consent to some new thing you didn’t even expect, going in.

So that's not on you.

15 years later.

I’ll tell you what I know.

It is never too late to withdraw your consent.

You can say “I didn’t get the chance to consent because I was not in a safe place and nobody I trusted, either warned or protected me, and who I am now is deeply ashamed of them."

For me, this required a lot of help. But my dignity is coming back. And my body is thanking me. The shame is subsiding. My anger is working.

Finally, I am truly sorry you had to wake up naked after what happened. My blood boils reading that.

[Imissmysun]

I feel like you are speaking words directly out of my mind.

Here is the thing i dont care what the circumstances are non-consent is non-concent. Your drunk perpetrator knew better. He does not get a pass.

Your feelings and trauma are real and valid and you zhould not feel badly at all for feeling the after effects of it. Society has a way of minimalizing assault victims blaming and shaming them. Its disgusting and wrong. You did nothing wrong. You have no blame.

If an experience seems to be more about power, about what someone can get away with, about takung advantage of a weakness its assault.

Consensual sex is about a shared experience about intimacy, love, agreement and shared power dynamic.

Even in BDSM has shared power the sub has a lot of power the rules are agreed upon before anything happens.

You never consented, you never agreed.
, you were not in a level of shared power. It was assault. That is clear the surrounding contributions are irrelevant. This is a hurt a scar that was never healed.

They have a way of resurfacing i still have recurring panic attacks after 30 years of things that happened to me. I havent processed them yet. Until you can get new tools and really work through and forgive yourself. The trauma will still bubble up.

I know the feeling regarding how my stuff isnt that bad that im a whiny stupid girl for allowing my piddly crud to keep bubbling up. But my therapist reminded me that its not a contest. Pain hurts trauma hurts. You are feeling valid important deserved feelings.

Thank you for sharing you are not the only one that feels this way. It makes me feel better to know im not the only one who does this.

Thank you for being brave.

[E is for Elephant]

Thank you both for your replies. I'm so grateful that I have a place like this where I can be heard, and heard by people who understand.