Five Facts.

[Beany Boo]

HowDidIGetHere

Good morning

Repeat yourself

If it means you keep making space with your writing then it's worth the risk.

[Imissmysun]

LIke I said - this is journaling - for me anyway - and you are letting out a lot of things that have been tieing you up - and there is an audience that will get you out of your head in a way that journaling does not - that and your feelings are validated in a way that journaling does not - I mean it is self validating - which is awesome - however a lot of us have not had many feelings validated - we have been minimalized and criticized - told not to feel not to exist in whatever we exist in -

wash rinse repeat - you can write the same post twenty times in a row if it helps you - as scary as it is sometimes our moods are repetitive - sometimes our days get repetitive - I think that is what is causing our mental illnesses to keep keeping - because we are bored we are understimulated - we are subject to the same thoughts and feelings on a daily basis - and with no outside stimuli - we get stuck in the cycle of "the I suck voice" -

its ok we are all neurotic here - just read my journal - I am a walk in crazy park half the time

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I noticed this morning that I don't like to walk in front of cars that are waiting to make turns, even if the drivers wave me on, and I wondered if it's because some part of my brain doesn't think they'll wait for me to cross and I'll get run over.

2. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and came to learn that the only way to keep from getting my ass whooped was to learn the rules and follow them to a T.

3. I'm now terrified to learn that not only do people not agree on what those rules are, we may not even agree on what's real or true.

4. Every time I start to look at the idea that my mother might have abused me in ways that she didn't abuse my siblings, I shut down and just tune out with a book, a video game, or something else.

5. I'm pretty sure that shutting down is killing me. And my partner.

[brownblob]

I relate a lot to #2 and #3. I think it's great you are able to become self aware and express these things.

[oak]

This is good. Thanks for sharing. #2 is especially trenchant.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I've been journaling on paper again for the last few days. 20 minutes at a time. The unremitting negativity of the writing is really hard to look at.

2. I've noticed for a long time that when I journal, I always write "you" when I'm being terrible to myself. Like, "you're such a screw up. What are you still doing here?" But I always say "I" when I'm being neutral or positive (like, "I like the thing I drew yesterday").

3. Sometimes, it makes me wonder if I've actually got dissociative identity disorder or something, because I can't always stop doing it even when I try.

4. I replaced my avatar with a recent street photo that I took because I thought I would have a better time if I gave myself something to be proud of when I came here.

5. My last avatar was a map of Google location data from the year that I spent making my partner drive from one hotel to the next from one side of the United States to the other. Every time I see it, I just can't make sense of it and it makes me feel extra hopeless.

[Imissmysun]

I think that the tendency to write things in the directive of "you are such a screw up" or that type of thing (as I do the exact same thing when I journal) I think it is externalizing the negative voice - the one in our head that tells us these things - it speaks to us that way - I think that you are examining it for what it is - look at the lie of it - and remember that you are not your actions - not completely - you are a cumulation of many things and many experiences - some very awesome - some very unawesome - that voice is really the external voices that said these things to you at some point - an ex girlfriend - a teacher - a parent - that is why it is a "you" - because it is not your voice - nor is it a fractured you sepaking to you -

I try yo remember that when I go on the "you are blankedy blank (fill in all manner of negative thought) inner ramblings" - I *try* to remember its not really my voice - and they are lies - because I am not any one thing I am many things and I have acted lazy and I have acted selfishly and I have made poor stupid decisions - but I am not lazy, selfish or stupid - that is just the voice talking - the accumulation of negative things said to me that I give large spaces in my mind to for free - and why? because its a bully and I never learned how to deal with bullies -

Then again maybe both of us have mild personality issues I don't know I am not a therapist I only have an almost minor in psychology (took a lot of classes as an undergrad because I had no direction and no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up - I still don't know what I want to be)

My point is.. (after all my babbling) - is that I think your journal style is normal - I do the same thing - I think that if you can look at all the vitral on the page and see it for what it is a bunch of bollocks that you would never spew at anoter human being maybe you can purge some of those thoughts as "not my stuff" - this is how that person saw me - and they were probably only projecting their own fears on you - it was their ownm stuff not even yours that caused the mean chatter -

burn those pages - (in a safe way) seriously super cathardic

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks, sun. I suspect that asking "what's normal" on a mental illness forum may not be the most useful question to ask, but I guess it's at least good to know where I fit on the continuum.

Unfortunately, my partner already read my journal and is already throwing what I wrote back at me, so I won't be continuing that. I knew it would happen the second I let my notebook out of my sight, but I forgot yesterday and didn't notice that she had moved my backpack.

At least I got three or four days into it.

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. I'm trying to appreciate the irony of the fact that the first words my partner read when she read my journal yesterday were "I know she's going to read this the second I let my guard down."

2. I think I've reached the point where I've read too much about my possible diagnoses. I really think that some amount of inpatient treatment might be needed to deal with my (possible) bipolar, but I've also read that patients with borderline will often manipulate their way into inpatient treatment as a kind of "vacation from life."

3. I hate that the only time I have a sense of self is when I'm working on something. Or maybe what I hate is that as soon as the project ends, so does my identity.

4. I deactivated my Facebook and Instagram accounts because I'm tired of being accused of "pretending everything is okay" when what I'm really doing is pretending that I have something to offer to the world.

5. I saw a call for submissions for addiction-themed horror stories. I was thinking about writing something for it, until my partner pointed out that I always get "manic and creative" at this time of year.


(I should say that even though I'm bagging on my partner a lot today, she's not a bad person or even a mean person. I've just been abusing her for a very long time, so I think her behavior is completely reasonable, even if hurtful to me.)

[HowDidIGetHere]

Sorry. Just can't do it today. The only fact for today is that guy who owns the place I was staying asked us to leave. I don't know whether it's because I asked him to turn down his music this morning or because my partner lost his house key or because we were fighting yet again and maybe he heard us, but the bottom line is I'm fucking on the street. Again.

I'm really over this life. I really don't see what the big deal with living is, really. All these moral systems make it seem like life is the biggest deal ever.

I don't buy it.