duck's diary

[duck1]

so, whose going to win today, me or the junk food?

Yesterday there was a party at work, I ate and ate and ate, choclate cake and dounts..., yesterday the junk food won big time, if I'd like that every day it would be a catastrophe, so whose going to win today?

[duck1]

ok, so so far I'm winning but I came pretty close. There is so much food, no one is touching it. It is appealing and it is free. I forget that afterwords I feel so fat and I'm so preocupied with my "sin"/

[duck1]

So now what am I supposed to do? My favourite shrink(a psychologist not an MD), from all the 3, the man who really gave me tools for life, is SO against meds.
From the looks on his face, the fact that I have been taking for more than 10 years prozac (I didn't mention that I'm also on ritalin) is catastrophic, the damage that it does to the brain is horrible.

I was like what! and I'm paying you for this fucking rant! What am I supposed to do? Just get of them and return to my depressed disfocued self?

[manuel_moe_g]

That is sad to hear, duck. Meds are overprescribed, but for people like us, they are a worthwhile tool to use to fight our illness. I hope your therapist at least agrees to disagree about meds, for your sake, duck.

[duck1]

Thanks manuel_moe_g!

[duck1]

I want to give some examples of how I am an oversensitive person or critical person I am.

I mean just like the most mundane things that people say and do can really hurt me.

I'll give this example: suppose I send an email at work, I write in it "see attached", but I forget to attach. As a reply I'll I get in the email is a question mark. I find that aggressive, cold, alienating. Obviously, I made a mistake? can't you point that out? what is this like some sort of code.? I feel stupid.


Another thing is in conversations, I many times turn mute, not say my mind, be passive a. Then after the conversation is over, long after the conversation is over I feel defeated.

There was this one time when I was in a meeting. The director was talking among over things about the fact that they were recruiting someone to replace me while I was going to be on maternity leave. Some smart ass iditot says with a smile on his face "will this be a temporary replacer or a permanent one"? I was mute.

The boss said in the calmest, most matter of fact voice, to the iditio " at first a replacer and possibly permeant"/

why was I mute? Why couldn't I have said " don't you think it's kind of personal?" that's just an example.

thanks for listening.

[duck1]

p.s I just remembered another thought in this vain.

I think the world is just full of rigidity and aggression. Maybe it's the part of the world where I'm from I don't know. Maybe my mentality is somehow not compatible.

But just looking at what people write anonyamously and non anonymously on line...

ok, enough ramble for now.

[duck1]

my daughter is celebrating her birthday today in day care.
I have to be there, beautiful, perky, sweet, happy.

I don't feel that way at all. I'm down. I compare myself to the 2 other moms who are celebrating as well, and I feel inferior.

Her dress has some small stains .... i feel like a bad mother.

I really just want to have some to jog before the party begins, so I hope I will be a bit happier.
have to really keep the act for my baby. :)

[manuel_moe_g]

You are an awesome mom, because you are awesome!

[duck1]

Thanks manuel_moe_g!

The party went well. I had tears in my eyes when the kindergarden teacher asked my baby what she likes to do best with me and she said to read stories.
Thant's the thing I love to do most with her- read.