littleraincloud's diary

[littleraincloud]

AND NOW I find out that I only get four point five fuckin' hours of work per week with the university. That's barely lunch money (if they're paying minimum wage, which, ha, yes they are). This whole deal is starting to feel like a fucking scam. The school is crap, the teachers are crap, the students are crap, I'm crap. I'm really tempted to just not go. Just not go! After all this work I put in! But I can't feel proud of myself going to a stupid state school where I get little support and I don't know how I'm going to live once I get there. Like I'm going to show up at some publishing party ten years from now and say, "Yes, I went to [state university where all the rejects go]." Talking to a bunch of fuckers with Ivy League degrees, probably. What will they think of me?

I fantasized today about calling the whole thing off, working on my writing intensively for a year (still living at home, still working this stupid fucking job that I hate but hey it pays), then applying for a much more prestigious school that's in the same state. Which I probably wouldn't even get in to if I did, because it's maybe in the top twenty or ten schools in the country for creative writing programs. I didn't even look into it when I was applying to schools, but it's part of the same statewide university system, so it's hard not to compare my school with the fancy school and see that they get much better visiting professors (people I've heard of!) and stipends that are POSTED RIGHT THERE ON THE WEBSITE AND NOT LEFT TIL THE LAST MINUTE TO FIND OUT WHAT THEY ARE.

It's my own fault for being such a shitty writer. I don't know. I don't feel good about this, but I never know when my instincts are right and I should turn something down, and when I'm just freaking out for no reason.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are not a reject. You just have a manageable disease that makes the negative pop into your head constantly, but it can truly be managed. Keep the lines of communication open.

[HowDidIGetHere]

You know, the best thing about writing stuff down—whether it's my stuff or someone else's—is being able to see where what starts as a relatively average train of thought takes a hard left turn into ... whatever it is that brings us all to this board. See? It's right here:

The school is crap, the teachers are crap, the students are crap, I'm crap.

It actually makes me really sad to read that because I identify with it so damn hard. I used to hear people in recovery meetings say "God doesn't make garbage" and my automatic mental response was "yeah, but the devil does." I still think that an awful lot. But that's the left turn. The school may be crap, as may the students and the teachers, but it does not therefore follow that you yourself are crap. The two are not at all logically dependent on each other.

I realize that I kinda made this about me, but all I'm trying to do is say "me too."

[hobojungle]

Keep using your words cloud. I've found it helpful to make lists of pros & cons or benefits/drawbacks. Good luck.

[littleraincloud]

Thank you for the support all. I hate to only post on here when I'm unhappy, but I think most diaries suffer the same effect.

I still don't officially have any place to live in the new city I'm moving to in September. I've tried meeting up with a few different potential roommates, but the situation was always sketchy or I was rejected. I do have an old college acquaintance who happened to wind up in the same city and offered to let me sleep on his couch for half rent as long as I need to still find a place, which is nice.

I don't know...I feel like I'm always wasting my time no matter what I do. Just one minute after another. Today was another completely useless day. Had things that I should be doing, but didn't do them. Had to content myself with doing the laundry, taking a long walk in a park (procrastinating), wasting more time than I needed to spend getting food for meals, dropping my brother off, watching stupid YouTube videos. Now it's ten at night and I have a wicked headache. I'm not going to do anything. Sometimes I wonder why I bother pushing myself to try and do better things. I could just live in a "minimalist" kind of way - go to work, pay the bills, nothing else. And in a way I think that would be easier. But being here in this "I'm trying to get shit done" mindset doesn't make me any happier. It's hard.

The only good thing happening right now is that I lost 5 pounds recently. Now to obsess over what's going to happen to me when I inevitably get old and nobody will love me because my looks are the only thing even remotely valuable about me. Incoherent post? I'm hungry and tired.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks for posting.

[littleraincloud]

Things are going well for me right now. I've finally connected with a group of three roommates who are using a realtor to get an apartment. It's really coming down to the wire - we all want to move in by September 1st. We actually almost got a place last night but at the last minute one of the roommates asked if we could back out because it was far from the city center and only had access to bus routes. I was happy to okay that decision, because I would much rather we find a place that's closer to reliable transportation. Since we're working with a realtor, I'm confident that we can find something soon. Mostly I'm happy that I'm not [Jean-Ralphio voice] technically homeless~

I also applied for a 20 hr/week job at the university library, and they asked me for an interview on Friday. So I might have some money!

The extra good news is that my supervisors were not mad at all when I told them I'm leaving (which I was nervous to do) and they're 99% sure I can continue to do freelance projects for the company. More extra money!

I'm okay right now. It's going well for me.

[brownblob]

Glad to hear that things are going well for you.

[littleraincloud]

deleted my twitter account because i can't stand getting any criticism ever, cool cool cool

[littleraincloud]

I have a place to live! I have a freelance job! YAAAAAY!!!