Five Facts.

[Beany Boo]

I said something here it was half-baked. I withdrew it. It had a tone of encouragement.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Honestly, I think the real reason I decided to go back to meetings is because I'm looking for an anchor and daily meetings were once that for me. I got sober the first time by going to 7am meetings 6 days a week. Basically, going to a meeting before my craziness was properly awake.

I had also forgotten how much I hate my meeting self. It's like I force myself to always be on, to always have something brilliant to say. I'd like to just be somewhere. Some day.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Crazy Person Pro Tip.

When you feel like your grip on reality is getting a little tenuous, do not pick up Waiting for Godot.

[oak]

Thanks for posting!

I meant to post here earlier this week, but I was sad and tired.

You're going to make it.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Interesting things that only happen in the city.

On my way to a meeting this morning, I walked through a movie set. The kind of low budget guerilla movie shoot that only happens in a few select cities around the world. It was a nice reminder of the movie sets I volunteered on in college.

Also interesting was that the star of said movie, who is well known to me for his portrayal of an addict in love on TV, was also in the meeting the other day.

Many circles intersect in the city.

[hobojungle]

Good for you going to meetings & how cool to walk through a movie set on the way.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Made some calls to psychiatric clinics yesterday. It is extremely difficult to persevere in this. The last time I saw someone, I had to rehash the painful story of the past three years, only to have my bipolar diagnosis questioned and what turned out to be a very difficult medication regimen prescribed. I definitely acknowledge that there are elements of complex PTSD involved by now, but I would like to actually try being treated for the bipolar before we dismiss it.

I hadn't planned it, but I think I might try to do 90 meetings in 90 days. It's an old standby for when the shit really hits the fan in recovery. I've done six of the last seven days, so I could get started today.

I feel very uncomfortable sharing that I'm coming back in meetings. I haven't taken a drink in at least six months and I haven't been drunk since 2009, so I feel like I'm being dishonest saying that I've been "out there." At the same time, it's only been a matter of months since I tried to kill myself, so I absolutely haven't been sober by any means.

And so it goes.

[oak]

I am pleased that you are making those calls. Well done.

[HowDidIGetHere]

You know, what's really troubling me now—more than the sheer bureaucratic absurdity of the whole thing—is that I now feel like I'm worrying people. I keep calling clinics, telling them that I tried to kill myself two months ago, that I haven't had any treatment since then—and then I hear the worry start to creep into their voice. They know they can't get me seen any faster than they can, but they have someone telling them what I'm telling them, so of course they're worried. Maybe it's just in a liability kind of way, but it's there.

What bugs me about it is that it's pointless worry. As I was told on more than one occasion, "someone who wants to die doesn't tell anyone about it. They just go do it." That's not really me. I'm an impulse person, just like any good borderline, and I don't have access to any kind of impulse-friendly means, so I'm not going anywhere. Sure, it's in spite of myself, but it is what it is.

On the upside, I have an appointment to see a psych the day before my birthday—in October.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Fun event for today.

I love old books just because they're old. Today, I touched a book of Moliére plays that was 158 years old, published in 1859. I get stupid pleasure from that fact.