Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

I maybe heard somewhere along the line about a posited correlation between artistic style and possible sensory deficits or mental struggles the artist was dealing with.... Do you know?

That's practically how Edvard Munch developed as an artist, an extremely talented but tormented person. His biography is hair-raising.

[Mental Fairy]

I’m going to pick up my sketch pad tonight. Fight off the “I’m not good enough to sketch” narrative in my head

[troebia]

I’m going to pick up my sketch pad tonight. Fight off the “I’m not good enough to sketch” narrative in my head

MF, if you permit me to practice my newly acquired rational-vs-emotive ABCDEF skills on you then the "I’m not good enough to sketch" would be a textbook irrational Belief that you then fear will have emotional Consequences ("Oh, I'm useless at this! Now I feel worse than before!"). It follows an Adversity that in this case is also imaginary/irrational since there is nothing at play: if you don't like the result you can simply tear out the page, and at least you have practiced and you'll have felt the pens, markers, crayons or brushes against the paper. Maybe you will then want to look up artwork in different styles on Pinterest or tutorials on YouTube, which would be a rational behaviour since nobody was born with perfect skills: we acquire them slowly through exploration, imitation and repetition. You would Dispute your own initial “I’m not good enough" and instead enjoy your gradual progress ("Oh, I really like this color! This sketch I'm doing now looks better than the last one I did. I also don't have to be afraid of messing up since I don't have to show it to anyone."). That creates Effective new rational beliefs about what sketching is really about. You'd lose your fear and uncertainty about sketching, leading to new Feelings about it.

All this is theory that I'm still struggling with. Like I mentioned earlier, the logic behind these steps seems clear enough to me but applying it to my own particular anxieties and irrationalities is definitely a challenge.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you so much for this post. It snapped me out of the negative loop I’m currently battling, even just for a few minutes

[troebia]

New observations of self:

• Maintaining concentration now for more than half an hour at a time is now possible.
• Alprazolam/Xanax down to 0.25-0.50 mg daily and my mind is clearer.
• Still waking up with anxiety but it blows over as soon as I put myself to work on something.
• Realizing a mistake or that something is broken does not send me into a death spiral: shit happens, and I try to correct.
• The darkness hidden inside is pulling itself up slowly, getting closer to my outer "masked" self I use socially. They will never meet but not having to put 100% through a filter (while for example with friends) is easier on the brain.
• These positive changes have come quickly and there may be downturns ahead but hell, I'm going to enjoy this while I can.
• [will complete as new stuff comes to mind]

[manuel_moe_g]

The darkness hidden inside is pulling itself up slowly, getting closer to my outer "masked" self I use socially. They will never meet but not having to put 100% through a filter (while for example with friends) is easier on the brain.

Fascinating way of describing it. What would happen if the "darkness" was exposed to the general public, not just good friends?

[troebia]

Fascinating way of describing it. What would happen if the "darkness" was exposed to the general public, not just good friends?

If we're talking about really, really pulling out all the stops:
I'd probably get into a bar brawl when all I wanted was a glass of beer. Or if I went to the supermarket alone, I'd somehow end up in bed with a goth or hobo woman. I'd get picked up by the beach police while walking nude by the seashore. I'd make amazing art during the day and burn it all at night in the wood stove. I'd drink a whole bottle of Jack and dance with the donkeys near here by the road. I'd call everyone in my phone's adress book and tell them to go f**k themselves. I'd get a seedy hotel room down by the station and sleep and stare at the ceiling for days, and just wait until they found me. And worse. Much, much worse.

That kind of stuff is down there in my mind and I'm slowly rising away from it, to less frustration. There are a few friends who know I'm not OK and I feel I have their support although we don't have to talk about anything. Human life is so absurd. I look at my dog and envy his happiness chasing hares and squirrels in the woods. He's totally unaware he's going to die some day, just like that.

[manuel_moe_g]

oh, gotcha, Troebia

i am sorry you are dealing with that

does playing with your dog help? it helps me, i love how sweet she can be

[troebia]

does playing with your dog help? it helps me, i love how sweet she can be

This dog is a rescue that doesn't really act like the "normal" dogs we've had. He's extremely shy, likes to be on his own around the house and often escapes and goes rambling by himself. Only in the morning he'll jump up on our bed to play and cuddle for a minute, then he goes to the front door and waits for the walkie. It's a bit like having a wild animal, and I miss our old dogs that loved human contact and did tricks in exchange for treats.

[troebia]

Maybe some of the "zombie" symptoms I had a couple of weeks ago were due to the mix of vortioxetine and also a medium to high dose of alprazolam:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization
After lowering the alprazolam to about 0.5mg daily this strange sensation stopped. I was surprised to read that this effect is sought after recreationally, because I thought it was hellish.