brownblob

[brownblob]

I need to forgive myself for not being perfect. I cannot change all of the mistakes I have made in the past. I just need to let them go. I wish I could. I know rationally I can only try and work on myself in the present and not in the past.
I don't feel human. I feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere in my youth and didn't develop into the human I should have been. Instead I am this creature that looks human but I don't belong in this world.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, brownblob.

[hobojungle]

Self-forgiveness is a very worthy pursuit. I wish you the best bb.

[Beany Boo]

I feel pain when you say these things.

[brownblob]

I've just been existing. I'm trying to figure out what being well will look like for me. Just existing. When I started this med back in October, I felt great right away. After about a month, I kind of leveled off. We're increasing the dosage and I hope I can get back to how I felt in October, but if I can't maybe I'll have to accept that this is as good as it gets. Existing. Don't get me wrong, I am doing better than before I started the med. Before I started this one, my spare time was spent napping. I could just curl up and spend days in bed if I was allowed. I've also been able to read lately, which for the last year I haven't been capable of. So I have to decide, is existing enough? Maybe.

[brownblob]

Sometimes I wonder if being numb is such a bad thing.

[brownblob]

I'm scared that someone will see me as the poor excuse for a person that I am. If I can only blend into the wall and be invisible I will be safe.

[Beany Boo]

You are invisible to me; and free to be as poor an excuse as you need to be. Your safety matters more.

[brownblob]

Nothing makes me feel more isolated than a holiday. I went to my sister's house on Christmas Eve and felt like I didn't belong. I am alone in the universe. I sat quietly on the couch and waited for it to end. I am in a very negative place today. I hear the line "It always gets better" and I don't believe it. My life is what it is and I don't see anyway that I will ever change. I sit here wondering why life has to be so long.

[brownblob]

I've got an appointment with the shrink on Wednesday and I don't know what to tell him. I keep hoping something changes, but I don't see anything changing. I had a brief period in October when I felt okay. I just wish I could feel like that. I don't think I ever will again. I've just got another 20-30 years until I die of natural causes and nothing else to look forward to. Sorry to be such a downer.