Five Facts.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Not dead. That's all.

[manuel_moe_g]

Take care, keep the lines of communication open, HowDidIGetHere. You are a good contributor here, it proves you are a good and worthy person.

[oak]

I am glad you're alive. I hope things get better. Keep us posted.

[rivergirl]

Thinking about you today and hoping that you're okay.

[HowDidIGetHere]

2+ weeks on the Depakote. I'm not really sure how it's going because so much else is still troubling and up in the air.

I don't know how much y'all are on Twitter, but I've lately been getting hit really hard by a lot of things out in the world like the Google Memo and The Black Witch fiasco. Maybe it's the medication, but I find myself just quietly hopeless about the future of humanity and mankind's ability to not be shitty. I'm essentially a progressive, but it seems like there isn't anyone out there who isn't shitting on progressives—including the progressives. It's disheartening and demoralizing and it makes me wish I had never bothered with college or anything other than straight-up civil service, don't think too much kind of work.

I'm also dreaming a lot more than I used to and I'm not used to that. Previously, if I remembered a dream, it would be some weird kind of deja vu sort of thing where nothing happened. Lately, though, they've been these dystopian bloody things (possibly inspired by my "leisure" reading) that have me waking up quite unsettled.

So things are better, worse, and just different all at the same time.

But I'm glad I can come back and tell y'all that I'm still here and still at it.

[oak]

Thanks for posting.

So things are better, worse, and just different all at the same time.

Pure poetry! You're such a fine writer.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I don't really want to talk about me. I just came to see how y'all are doing.

I was listening to the podcast episode about classical musicians (I think) and all the surveys about childhood sexual abuse started getting to me. The things Paul was reading started to feel like they were hitting closer to home than they usually do. And now I'm wondering—is there really a chance that I was molested or something as a kid? It's been suggested that my mother has had an inappropriate interest in me as a male, but I always tended to shrug that off because, really, it's ludicrous.

But what if it isn't? This would be a really, REALLY shitty time for that to come up. I mean, there's never a good time for it to come up, but I think this might be especially shitty timing.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Sad memory.

Though I've always been musical, I've written one song in my life. A lullaby for my someday child. I just realized tonight that in addition to not having that someday child, not only have I completely forgotten that lullaby, it was never written down anywhere either.

Grieving is a process I do not enjoy.

[rivergirl]

This is a really beautiful and sad post. I'm sorry for your losses, HDIGH.

[oak]

Thanks for posting. Thank you for sharing.